Hey gals and guys 😁,
HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY 🥂Hope all you ladies out there had a good one.Mine was quite boring as I was working from 5am(😪😫)until 2pm.I am not a morning person and having not slept during the night (panic attacks 😣)I was in a foul mood.The guys cheered me up with their usual brand of banter.As much as I dislike my job,I do love the people I work with❤.Today I found out another one of my work besties quit 😭Aoife was like my grumpy twin soul sitting on the tills 😂I was so tired from work I came home and napped until 7pm.Naps are LIFE!!!
Last night was awful.I was alone in the apartment and my mind wouldn’t stop racing.I can never sleep the night before a 5am shift anyway for some reason but last night my mind went into overdrive.The guy I was seeing just after I got out of my 6 and a half year relationship lives in the apartment below mine (very convenient I know).He was partying last night in his apartment.Through out our situationship I came to realise he has a problem with drink.He isn’t an alcoholic but when he does drink he can become verbally abusive.He constantly rings me telling me how much he loves me,how he wants me to be his girlfriend and then he’ll get verbally aggressive if anyone else(guys mainly)talks to me if we are around other people etc but I know its all just because he likes to think I’ll come running back to him (like I used to).If I dont answer his texts or calls he’ll bang on my door until I let him in.I feel sorry for him and I still care about him.Believe it or not,it was him who made me believe in love again.”Kevin” complimented me everyday until my confidence and self esteem grew back.We went on adventures just the two of us to places around Galway.He showed me I deserve better and that included even better than him.He brought the smile back to my face when I needed it the most and supported me through my anxiety after Dad was released from hospital.”Kevin” seemed like the perfect man until months went by and the drink binges took over.I think the worst was when I found out he was having sex with other women 😡We had promised that even though neither of us were quite ready to be in a relationship we didn’t want to be with anyone else (though funny enough the musician would always come into my mind from time to time).Once that promise was broken and the illusion of perfection faded I was done.I don’t need perfection but trust is a must.
As I lay in bed I could hear someone at my front door and assumed it was him.I heard what I thought was someone sliding down against my door and thought he was probably to drunk to even knock the door.I was in no mood to be dealing with him after how my encounter with the musician had went on Tuesday.I waited a half hour and then went to the front door to listen for anyone outside it.I found a note and it was from the rental company letting me know they are putting my rent up by €76 😡As if I wasn’t worried enough.Not long after he text asking if I was around and of course he was looking for a booty call but I am in no way interested.I just wanted to try get some sleep.I went back to bed and all I could think about was where is the musician?why hasn’t he snapchatted like he said he would?Then I snapped out it and began panicking about the more important issue of how am I going to be able to afford to live in Galway as I am just about making enough to cover bills.After much agonising I decided my best option was to move back to Ballyshannon to my parents house,get my old waitressing job back and save to go travelling.I cried at the thought as back home there is no prospects at all.My social life would consist of staying in all the time as all my friends have either gone travelling or are starting their own families.
With that decision made my heart felt heavy at the thought of never seeing the musician again (but I have a feeling he wouldn’t care or would rather I was gone so he didn’t feel the need to be nice to his one night stand which is now clear to me that is all I was to him).Unlike all my other crushes though I had a moment of clarity and decided that I would ask him out for a drink before I leave.At least that way I would know 100% how he feels if he didn’t reply or if he said no then I could move on.If we are mean’t to be which I doubt it(from his point of view anyway) then it’ll work itself out eventually.Then the crazy side kicked in and I decided I couldn’t cope with the possibility of not seeing the musician so I made a plan in my head to come to Galway for a few days every month to catch up with friends and hopefully have some alone time with the musician 😉
This morning during my break at work I rang my parents to discuss my predicament with them.I informed them that I could continue living in Galway but I would not be able to travel as I would have no extra money to save.My parents understood but advised me to hold off because my step-grandfather had left me money when he died and it was more than enough to go to Australia ✈My parents know how much I love living in Galway but more importantly they have seen how being here,especially in the last year after my relationship broke down,made me independent.I used to be crippled with anxiety especially in social/group situations,I never went out,I had one friend and was extremely unhappy.Now I to go out to social events even if I am alone,I’ll do what is best for me,my friendship circle has increased and I am the happiest I have ever been.Of course suffering with depression and anxiety I still have my bad days but there is no more dark thoughts of ending it all because I know I can get through anything.
My transformation since my Dad’s accident astounds me.It took something so horrific to put everything in perspective for me.As my Dad lay in a coma I realised this was the time my mother and sister needed me to be the strong one.My mother always had to be the strong one.I never remember her showing any emotion apart from anger when I done something wrong growing up.She was never the giving hugs and telling you how much she loves you type when I was a child.I think this was partly due to how young she was and dealing with making ends meet as a single parent is VERY difficult.Don’t get me wrong I knew she loved me because she stood by me when I done some awful things(nothing illegal).My Dad’s accident changed my mother beyond recognition but like myself for the better.She is more fun,more open emotionally and is more relaxed.I am lucky to have my mother as a female role model because I learn from her mistakes.I think the most positive female influence in my life has to be my younger sister Grace.
Grace is 15 years younger than me.I never thought I would get a sibling and I felt like I was missing out.There is no bond like it.I would do anything for her👭.I was diagnosed with depression not long after she was born unbeknownst to my parents as I went to the doctor myself.I didn’t want to worry them and felt like they wouldn’t believe me.They only realised how serious it was during my Dad’s time in hospital.Over the years I was prescribed many different types of anti-depressants but I felt they never worked but truely I was just looking for a quick fix instead of dealing with my issues.During the times of my suicidal thoughts the only thing that kept me alive was Grace.I couldn’t bear to leave her grow up maybe wondering if it was anything to do with her.I want her to have the best life she can and I knew that was only possible if I stayed.Grace makes laugh like no one else can and she is my biggest protector.At 13 years old she is way more mature than I am now,she is ambitious,head-strong,confident and is full of love.Between my parents and I we got it right.She was my rock during Dad’s accident and recovery which I have always felt guilty about.It should have been the other way around and eventually it was.She kept my head above the water.I am so immensely proud of Grace.She is my saving Grace and thats why I got a tattoo tribute to her of the the words “By the GRACE of God” because I believe he sent her to our family at time when I needed to be saved from myself.
Another woman in my life that I could never imagine being without is my granny.When I was just beginning school my mother was sick for a number of years and spent months in hospital at a time.My granny was there doing the job of a mother and that is probably why we are so close.I think aswell I value her so much because she will always comfort me first,then tell me how it is and give advice.My granny had it hard losing my granda to cancer at a young age and she was left to raise 6 children on her own.At a time she should have crumbled she remained a constant source of love and strength to everyone.I admire her will to never give up and to enjoy life to the fullest because you never know when your time is up.I know I will be utterly devastated when she passes away and its becoming a greater possibility now she is sick.Instead of moping about it though I just want to make as many memories as I can with her and I cherish every moment I spend with her.Not many people get to their late 20’s and still have their grandparents around so I am extremely lucky.
With all these bad ass women in my life I feel bad for pining over the musician to be honest.Its his birthday on Saturday and I’ll be out for my work besties leaving party.I am hoping we cross paths but we never usually go to the same bars/clubs unless we specifically agree to meet.I know once I take a few shots I’ll end up in the women’s bathroom crying to Lauren and Aoife about how much I like and how it hurts he doesn’t feel the same.Then I’ll probably think its a good idea to snapchat him and it will all go downhill until I wake up full of regret the next morning.I am going to snapchst him to wish him a happy birthday to let him know I am thinking about him.He is out tonight around Galway as he has been putting snaps up on his story and he was out at a gig in Dublin last night.He has a great social life anyway haha.Social media is a blessing and a curse when it comes to crushes.I need to get a fucking life 😣I can’t wait for this crush to be done haha!
Positive vibes always,