Hey gals and guys 😁,
Hope you are all doing good 😄I certainly put in a long one last night 😫😡After writing a blog last night I was exhausted and was looking forward to getting a good night’s sleep.Before I fell asleep I could hear banging in my former lover’s apartment below mine but put it down to his brother having come home late from their parents house.The noise quietened down very quickly and I went out like a light 😴
Suddenly at 3:30am I heard my phone vibrating rapidly and hard on the wooden surface of my bedside locker.It was my former lover and he was extremely drunk🍻.When I seen it was his number I let it ring out because I just couldn’t deal with the drama.He proceeded to call me another four times before I finally answered.I knew he would just keep calling and if I didn’t answer he would come up here banging on my door to be let in.When I eventually answered he asked me to come down to him as he wanted to just put his arms around me (so cute😍) but I lied to him and said I was asleep as I had to work at 5am again.In reality I had reached the end of my tether with this toxic situationship 😕He continued to beg me to please come down inbetween bouts of hiccups 🤣I remained strong and persistently declined.
Then my former lover asked “What would you do if I asked you to be my girlfriend right now?”and I replied with “You made your choice when you had sex with those other four women”.Many times whilst he was drunk during our situationship my former lover would ask me this question.The first few times I was naively delighted but morning would come,he’d sober up and claim to forget everything that was said.This time for the second time and with more conviction than ever before I denied his request.I felt so empowered 🙆He stated that he knows deep down that I’ll never want anyone else 😂I was going to tell him about the musician but in his drunken state and knowing how verbally aggressive he can get I decided against this.
I tried getting off the phone with him by repeating that I needed to sleep to get up for work.He said he would let me sleep if I answer one question so I granted this request.He asked me what I wanted from him and I said “To cop the fuck on,stop having sex with every woman who looks at you and love me the way I love you but thats never going to happen”.There was silence for a few miutes and he asked me if I had sex with anyone else besides him recently which I replied to with honesty(the musician and I had a brief fling with a younger man)My former lover took this news very well but I took the high ground by informing him these sexual encounters only took place after I ended our situationship.
Then something happened that has NEVER happened before.My former lover had genuine emotion in his voice.I informed him that I wasn’t fully over him but I couldn’t go back to him.I relayed to him that even if he made drastic changes it is now to late as I am leaving Galway permanently in June.I thought he was going to start crying as he quietly said “It can’t be happening”.My heart broke a little and i wanted to comfort him but I knew if I gave in the cycle would never end and I would be right back to square one with him.Thats when I think he realised it was time to lay his heart on the line…
There was a time during the first 6 months of our on/off situationship that I could see myself marrying this guy and having children with him.I thought he felt the same even though he NEVER said it.His actions showed it to me before the debauchery kicked in and I seen all his true colours.I never told him how quickly I was falling for him until the situationship was beginning to crash down.To this day I have NEVER told him that I thought he was “The One” and I never will.I think I went into shock for a few minutes after I heard his next words…”It doesnt matter where you go you are a part of me.I know for sure we will get married one day.I care about you so much.I never want to see you hurt and I would hurt anyone who did anything to you.I just want you”.For nearly a year I yearned to hear him say something like that but I had to snap out of it.I was determined to show him that I am moving on.My sharp reply of saying “to be married to someone you have to love,respect them and not have sex with other women” made him give up and he said he would let me sleep.I hung up the phone somewhat proud at how strong I remained but also apart of me died inside for what could have been.I went back to sleep quickly.
I didn’t get to enjoy my slumber for very long.I was awoken by the noise of banging and his loud voice from down in his apartment.I checked my phone to see what the time was (now 4:39) and noticed I had a further 3 missed calls and a text from him stating “You are not kind for me”.Just as I was about to put my phone down and go back to sleep he starts calling again.I answer it(I can hear him stomping around and I am afraid he might come up here)He pleads with me to forget the past mistakes we made and for me to please come down to him.For what seems like the millionth time I deny his request so he decides he is coming up here.I raise my voice a little this time and tell him he cannot come up here as we will only argue which will anger my flatmates.He gets a bit angry now so hangs up the phone.I wait half an hour before going back to sleep to make sure that its safe.
At 5am I finally fall back asleep 😪😓I sleep soundly and better than I have for a while.I was so exhausted in every way!Then my sweet slumber is disrupted by my phone going off yet again.Its my former lover.I check the time and its just before 10:30am.We spend hours texting over and back.He is still drunk from the night before.This time he is being quite rude.He keeps telling me my pussy belongs to him (charming 😒) and that he knows I’ll only ever want his cock.This is what I call his ego stage and the stage I hate the must of his drunken binges.I get so angry that I text him back saying “My pussy doesn’t belong to you.I can’t wait to go to Australia so I don’t have to hear or see your sluts and I can finally get the fuck over you”.Then he came out with the most big headed thing I have heard in a long time “You can travel the world and you’ll never meet anyone like me”.Before I even had time to stop myself I quickly typed back “Thats the point.I don’t want to meet anyone else like you”.
This upset him greatly and he laid the blame firmly at my feet for why we never became serious.I told him I wasn’t ready as I had only gotten free from my 6 and a half year relationship.He promised to wait but as far he could see I was showing no signs of commitment anytime soon.He can never accept responsibility for his actions 😠I replied that was the case for the first four months but I did tell him continuously for the rest of our time together that I changed my mind and he was the only guy for me.I stood up for myself against him(for once)and told him on no uncertain terms that we are done.He seemed to accept it as he said “Fine let someone else have you because I know you’ll always want me”.I lost it like never before 😠I let him have it by texting back “When I am half way across the world you will realise how badly you fucked up in letting me go and now its to late” to which he quickly text back “I’m not the one leaving”.I don’t know how he does it but those words made me want to cry 😭.It was as if he was saying that I was giving up on us without even trying but I know that is not the case.I fought to be loved by him until it became unhealthy and I had to walk away for my own sanity😖.
The forth and back continued until I decided I was going to pay him a visit to let him know that we are done.I stormed down the stairs and knocked on his door after he sent me a photo of him arranging to meet up with one of his sluts.He looked happy to see me and it dawned on me that I played right into his trap.I shouted at him about being sick in the head and why he was always trying to hurt me.He sat on the bed and put his head down like a lost child and asked me to stop shouting as he is hungover.I calmed down and just wanted to comfort him as he hugged my leg like a little boy.He took my hands and pulled me closer.He hugged me and started to feel my ass.I knew I had to get out of here before my feelings of love rushed back.Then he pulled me down onto him for a proper cuddle.As I lay on top of him with my head on his chest and our arms wrapped around eachother I felt a sense of belonging.I couldn’t fight anymore.I just lay there in silence for a while enjoying his embrace before the urge to resist kicked in.I said to him “I hate you” jokingly and he replied seriously “If I were you I’d hate me too”.Then I got off him.As I turned to walk out the door, he pulled me back and we kissed passionately.
That was it I was in serious trouble😯.I couldn’t stop myself.I had missed his kisses so much but then the musician entered my mind.I immediately stopped kissing my former lover and told him that the kissing should never of happened.He refused to take his arms from around me and began to kiss my neck😘.He knows my weaknesses.Before I knew it our clothes were coming off and he bent me over his desk😉.It was some of the best sex we had(we had a really great and adventurous sex life to say the least 😍) but as we were really starting to get into it my mind started screaming at me that if there was any chance with the musician I had to get the fuck out of my former lovers apartment.I pushed him off me and pulled on my clothes.He was very confused and I said “This can never happen again,that he made his choice of sleeping with those sluts and that this was the last time he would be seeing me before I go to Australia”.I was full of regret as soon as I left my former lover’s apartment.
I went to work and tried to put it to the back of my mind.I spent the day on the tills serving customers and organising Lauren and Aoife’s leaving party via snapchat.We have arranged for pre-drinks at my apartment and then out to a bar called ‘Seven’ at 8pm tomorrow.In the meantime the only manager who we invited out messaged to say he couldnt make it as he is sick🤢.The guest list is getting smaller by the minute so I am not even sure if it’ll go ahead now.I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t because I was looking forward to a final wild night out with the original Lidl crew and the possibility of bumping into the musician (who I noticed might actually be out celebrating his birthday tonight instead if his snap stories are anything to go by)but if it does and it’s just us three and Ellen then we’ll still have mighty craic 😄
Just after mid-night tonight I decided to snapchat the musician to wish him a happy birthday.I didn’t use any love hearts as usual because I didn’t want to appear too keen due to his lack of messages recently.He didn’t open the message until an hour later and my heart started beating way too fast when he started to reply.He snapped back saying “Aww thank you so much Shauna 😍❤”.I thought it was best not to reply after that.He looked incredibly hot in his snapchat stories tonight 😍If we do go out tomorrow night I hope he is out too and we bump into each other.With liquid courage I might just walk up to him and kiss him 😙I’ll keep everyone posted as per usual.
Positive vibes always