Hey gals and guys 😁,
So as there was confusion on who my ex of 6 and half years is and Keith who I am seeing on/off is so I thought I’d write a blog about the two 😊.I already wrote a blog about Keith called ‘The Situationship’ explaining that whole scenerio so now I will tell you all about William.
William and I met when we teenagers (17 years old I think?).The first I heard of William was when he started dating one of my good friends (at that time)Aisling.For ages our friendship group thought he was made up because Aisling had been talking about this William she had been going out with for weeks but he was nowhere to be seen 🤔😂After much persuasion,Aisling finally introduced William to our friendship circle😊.I don’t remember our first meeting to be honest.He was my friend’s boyfriend so I didn’t pay much attention to him but he says he was instantly attracted to me 😂At that time I was back together with my first love Mark (I will also do a blog about him at some point 😊)and I didn’t have eyes for any other person ❤
As the months went by and William began to hang around with our group more I got to know him really well.He was funny,good-hearted and loyal😁.He became my bestfriend and the person I went to when Mark and I were having problems 💔We hung around together with our other friend Vanessa all the time and people were always making up rumours that he was cheating on Aisling with one of us 😂
There was one night we were both staying in Vanessa’s house.I had been out drinking with Mark and his friends but we had an arguement so I left and went to cry on William’s shoulder at Vanessa’s house as per usual😭.Aisling and William had also had an arguement because he had left their date to come look after my drunk ass 😓William put Vanessa into bed and I climbed in beside him in the spare room.This was no way a sexual thing as I had slept beside him many times before.We spent most of the night talking and I don’t remember how but we ended up having a tickle fight which ended up with him touching me inappropriately(by accident!).However that was when things changed😮.It was when I first saw William in a different way 😉
After that night we pretended nothing happened.Mark and I continued to have furious and jealous fuelled rows about the other person flirting with the opposite sex😠.Our relationship was becoming toxic as he would cheat on me so I would “forgive” him but go out the next weekend and cheat on him😫😭😠.I started drinking more and more to numb myself to the fact I was losing my first love and the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with🤑.As always William was there to pick up the pieces when I finally ended my relationship with Mark for good.
A few months after Mark and I split,I headed off to university🤓🎓.I had been single for 8 months(longest I’d EVER been single)and was learning to love myself again😀.I had no interest in finding love again for quite a while 😏William and Aisling subsequently broke up during that summer also and our friendship group had turned our back on her due to her awful behaviour😒😲.William decided to come back to Portstewart for a few days to see where I was going to University and check out the nightlife🍻.After us both suffering heartache over the summer we just wanted to have a few drinks and hang out.
When we arrived in Portstewart I introduced William to my housemates Eleanor and Fiona (he already knew my other housemate Sarah as she was in my friendship group in secondary school).We all headed out to my student union bar where we met up with Conor and Michael 🍺I ordered a bucket of beer which at that time was £5.00 and being the lightweight that I was back then I was quickly drunk😆.William also had quite a bit to drink that night 😂All night Sarah and Fiona kept whispering in my ear how right and perfect they thought William and I were for each other 🤔I kept denying there was anything more than friendship but in the back of my mind I started thinking maybe they were right.I always chose the wrong guy and here was this amazing guy who treated me like a princess so maybe I should give it a try.Maybe they could see what I couldn’t and William actually was the one for me all along 🤔
When we got back to our house that night William and I headed off to my bedroom🛌.We were talking and cuddling.We decided to play truth or dare.It was very innocent questions and dares for a while.I can’t remember who amped it up but I remember William daring me to kiss him on the lips so I did and then the dares kept getting more sexual until finally we stopped daring each other and just had sex 😯Afterwards I excused myself and went to the bathroom.I locked myself in there and burst into tears 😭I immediately regretted crossing the line with William.When I returned to my bedroom we both just said goodnight,turned our backs to eachother in shock and went to sleep 😪
The next morning was quite awkward as you can imagine.I dont know why but I woke him up to have sex again 🤔I think I was trying to figure out that maybe after the intial shock wore off if there was feelings between us.When the sex was over I remember just feeling like I needed a shower as soon as possible🚿.We decided to go into Portstewart for a look around the town and we discussed what happened.He made it clear that he really liked me but he didn’t want to put any pressure on me.I was so confused 😣In my head I had a voice saying “No this isn’t right,you’re still in love with Mark and just tell William you want to go back to be being friends” and another voice in my head saying “This guy has all the qualities you look for in a guy,all your friends and family already approve and you may grow to love him so give it a go”.I went with the first voice in the beginning but then we got drunk the next night and had sex again 🤔
I decided to try give this a go with William.It made sense.So when he asked me again to be his girlfriend on Rossnowlagh beach I agreed👫.I started to develop strong feelings for William after two months and things were going from strength to strength until we hit the 6 month mark.I had by then realised I was not in love with him despite telling him I was (I was a coward and didnt want to hurt his feelings when he said those 3 words to me so I said it back 😯).I kept praying that my feelings would change until I eventually convinced myself that it takes more than love to make a relationship last so I would focus on the other aspects of our relationship.As the years went by our sex life dwindled as I gave every excuse under the sun to avoid intimacy with William as much as possible and he put up with it because I swore blind I just had a low sex drive.I would put out when it could no longer be avoided.
We moved in together after two years of dating as both of us could no longer bare living with our parents👨👩.At the time I didnt have a good relationship with my mother and William’s family home was feeling a little crowded for him.We got a nice one bedroom apartment in Donegal Town🏡.Living together was quite an adjustment!We drove eachother crazy with all our annoying little habits but we soon got into a routine.I don’t exactly know how or why but we began to row nearly everyday a few months after living together😲😡.The main issue he felt was that I put my family first above everyone and everything else.William resented that fact because my mother treated me so badly.He wanted me to stand up for myself for once but its easier said than done.
Soon our rows became physical😭.I am so ashamed of this😦.It was NEVER him,it was me😩.I would get so blind with anger that I would lash out😡.I am only 4ft 11 and not very strong so luckily I never managed to hurt him despite throwing objects such as shoes,lamps and tv remotes at him.I would punch him repeatedly and he being bigger always managed to pin my arms until I calmed down but this disgusting behaviour pushed him to the edge and he then began to lash out😡.He never lay a finger on me but he would become so enraged he would punch walls and doors to avoid hitting me.We both realised we needed help if we were going to stay together and make this relationship work so he attended anger management and I went to councelling.William completed his anger management but I gave up the councelling a few weeks in😧.I was in denial that I was in any way wrong and had convinced myself William’s disapproval of my parents was what drove me to violence😒.
We decided to make a fresh start by moving to Galway.I found a job and an apartment for us (William had decided he wanted to relax a few weeks before getting a job in Galway).When the day of the move came,our apartment was not ready,so we stayed with our friend’s Beckey and Chris who had moved to Galway a few months beforehand.I hated my new job so I quit after a few weeks😑.I was only on the dole 2 weeks when I got another job thankfully and I loved it(only problem was it was a confectionary shop so the weight piled on🍩🍰)We moved into our one bedroom apartment and life was good😊.The violence subsided and we were happy.Our new neighbours Elaine and John introduced themselves.We quickly became firm friends.We would have dinner parties and I would go on shopping sprees with Elaine 🎁
After a year of living in Salthill,Elaine announced herself and John had found a bigger place so had decided to move.I was so sad (excited for them though)as Elaine had become my closest friend.It was hard knowing I wouldn’t be living downstairs from her.On the day they were moving I cried my eyes out but promised her she would see me just as much 😊As their aparment was nicer and a tiny bit bigger we moved from the downstairs up to their old place.William had by then gotten a job and was quickly moving up the ranks.He loved this job so much,he was very good at it but it quickly began to take over our lives.We started spending less and less time as a couple🙉.He would come home,eat dinner and go to sleep.He had put on a serious amount of weight too so his snoring was horrific.We would row ferociously and again the violence started to creep in.I got frustrated as I had no life outside of his job.I started comfort eating to deal with my problems and slowly me own weight crept up the scales too🍕🍔🍟🌭🌮🌯🍲🍿🍝🍦🍰🍫.All he ever talked about was work,all our friends (apart Elaine and John)were from his company.I began to feel trapped by his job.
Despite the problems in our relationship we began to discuss marriage🏩👰💍.All my friend’s from back home and my school days had begun to get engaged,married or have children👶👰🤵🤰💏👪👨👩👧👨👩👧👦👨👩👦👦👨👩👧👧💍🏩💒.By that time we had been together nearly 5 years.I was particularly pushing for an engagement despite knowing deep down I wasn’t in love with William.I was asking for this because it felt like it was expected of us.Everytime a friend announced their engagement or got married I felt sad that I was settling for security instead of love but still I thought its better than being alone😕.William wanted to wait a few years more until we were more financially stable.
As we were both earning a bit more money we decided to move into a bigger apartment🏘.We wanted a two bedroom place so that we could have guests stay over or I could kick William into the other bedroom when his snoring was bad.We didnt have enough money for the deposit so my parents kindly gave us the money for it.I loved our new apartment and again harmony returned into our relationship💑.William took a promotion in another branch of the company he worked for in Ennis.This took a major toll on our relationship.He was gone all day and by the time he got home he was so tired all he do was get dinner and go to bed.He gained even more weight so his snoring became unbearable so I began permantly sleeping in the spare room.At first I would get into our bed,watch some Netflix with William and try sleep beside him but even with ear plugs I ended up waking up at some god for saken hour to go into the spare room.The broken sleep left me irritable and exhausted😒😴
We never spent anytime together anymore.On our days off together all he wanted to do was sit in the apartment,play video games and catch up on sleep🎮😴.I wanted to go out and make memories.I felt lonely and trapped.The resentment quickly set in and by then I had given up all pretenses of even wanting to have sex with him yet we still continued to talk about getting engaged💍!I used to dread to see him coming home and would make every excuse not to be in his company.I was so angry that when I was working and he was off he would never lift a finger around the apartment (dishes piled up,laundry not done,no dinner on etc)yet he expected all this done for him when I was off work and he was working 😐We were becoming just two friends living together.Eventually he moved permantly into the spare room but we still struggled on.
In August 2016 we were visiting our families back in Donegal for a few days.We went to my granny’s for a few drinks on the 16th of August👵.On the morning of the 17th of August my mother rang me to say my dad had been involved in an accident on the motorbike but it wasnt serious.She was going to the hospital to go get him or so we thought.I informed my granny of the news and we headed back to my parents house.When we got there my relatives who had been staying with us were out for the day but not long after a Garda car pulled over🚔.They informed me of my Dad’s accident but I knew something was wrong when they told us to get to the hospital as soon as possible🏥.I was due back into work at Lidl (I had started there just a few months before)the next day so I rang them and informed them of the situation.My mother rang me and detailed how bad my Dad’s accident really was and told me that he was being transferred to Galway University Hospital🏥.
We waited for her to return home to pack up her stuff and we headed straight for Galway.I went into a state of shock when we arrived at the hospital.I have very little clear memory of that time.I will discuss the accident in a separate blog but we were not given much hope of my dad surviving (he did by the way)and my whole world turned upside down😖.William done his best to be there for us all but I pushed him away.All I wanted was my family around me.My mother moved in with us while Dad spent months in the ICU recovering but she would go home at weekends to be with my 11 year old sister.During those months William and I became strangers practically.I spent every waking second at the hospital and when I was at home I barely acknowledged William only to keep up appearances when other people were around.I don’t know why I was treating him so poorly as he couldn’t have done more for us all during this time.When we did speak he would talk of planning our engagement for when Dad was better😰💍.I knew he had started planning already.Dad’s accident made me realise life is too short and that I would rather be lonely than in a loveless marriage.It wasn’t fair to either of us.
After a few months Dad was transferred to The Royal Victoria hospital in Belfast.My grandparents had left my Dad a house there when they passed away so my mam moved there.I missed her terribly as we had become so close during this time.My Dad’s accident had changed us both and repaired our relationship.William and I were now back to having our apartment to ourselves.I went back to work a few hours a week and he went back full time.I found solace in Elaine and John.They knew exactly what I was going through as John had lost a sister in a car accident years beforehand🤧.I leaned on Elaine alot and I couldn’t ask for a better friend.I went over for a meal and a few drinks to Elaine and John’s new house one night shortly after my Dad has been transferred.The topic of course turned to marriage at one point.For the first time,I admitted that marriage with William was not on my radar any longer.I think Elaine and John were taken aback but just assumed I meant not anytime soon and not that I meant not at all.
I spent weeks agonising over the decision to end my now 6 and a half year relationship.One day I was determined to do it and then the next day I would talk myself out of it persuading myself that it was just a reaction to my Dad’s accident.Not long after Elaine and John announced their engagement 😁💍William and I went around to their house a few days later to drop off a gift and to have a catch up.William spent the whole time talking about his work (well complaining about it).Everytime someone tried to change the subject he would bring it back to work.Everytime Elaine or John would try to ask me a question William would answer for me.Maybe he got used to doing this while I was dealing with Dad’s accident as I was not capable of much but it angered me.
In the run up to Christmas I decided to take the time to think about the future of our relationship.I didnt want to make any rash decisions.We put on a united front but as my family would latter inform they could see the cracks showing 2 years before our split.After a lovely Christmas and New Year I met Elaine for lunch🥗.I asked her all about the wedding planning and we had a laugh about all the stresses of it.She made a comment about how it’ll be my turn soon no doubt but I kept quiet.Elaine then explained how she isn’t that fussed about the whole big white wedding and that it was about their love for each other.She then said “I am marrying John because I couldn’t imagine my life without him”.Little did Elaine know that hearing those very words would be the catalyst for me ending my relationship with William.As I sat there after hearing those words all I could think about was how I didn’t feel that way about William and how I could imagine my life without him.Those words rang in my ears for the rest of that lunch and by the time I returned home I had decided to set about ending it.
There is never a good time to break up with someone let alone someone you are living with,been in a relationship with for 6 and a half years and someone you were making plans with to get married soon👰🤵.I had decided to do it in two weeks time after my aunty had gone from her visit to us.I slept on the sofa while she was here but blamed it on William’s snoring but she could see right through that excuse.I went to work and before she left my aunty spoke to William to ask if everything was alright between us.He was honest with her and told her we were having problems but that we were trying to work through them(little did he know).I came home from work a few hours after she had left.I turned on the tv and just stared blankly at it.William asked could we talk so I muted the tv.He told me about his earlier conversation with my aunt and he asked “So are we going to be ok?”I hadn’t planned on breaking up with him for a few more days but I just blurted out the words”I want to break up,I don’t love you anymore”.It was brutal.My heart broke for him💔.He still was in love with me.He started crying.I tried to comfort him but I didnt know how.I apologised.He asked how long I felt like this and I said “Quite a while”.The next few days were a blur.We spoke at length about how long it had been going wrong and how best to proceed with splitting up.
We informed our families first.My family were not one bit shocked nor were my friends but William’s were.They kept asking if he wasn’t sure that this was temporary and just a reaction to my Dad’s accident but he told them that he could see there was no way back for me.As we both had no money we decided to stay living together until one of us was able to move.We agreed not to date anyone while living together and that if one of us found someone we would move out.We wanted to try salvage a friendship so living together seemed like a good way to do this also.William asked me not to change my relationship status on Facebook for a while until he was ready which I begrudgingly agreed to.I was ready to move on with my life immediately and felt that this was some form of him trying to control me.When I sat and thought about it I realised I had years to grieve the end of this relationship while we were still together so I needed to be more understanding because for William it felt like his whole world has fallen apart suddenly.
Of course our arrangement turned sour very quickly.Its never a good idea living with an ex.We fought over everything😠.There were times he would beg me for sex so that “he could forgive me” especially when he eventually found out about Keith and I.A few weeks after my split with William I began secretly dating Keith as I knew William would not take it well.I had no plans to date seriously.I was only on the online dating apps to see what they were like.As my confidence soared and my self-esteem returned I gained the ability to go out by myself and make new friends.I started going to the gym,going out to social events and gatherings more.I became the person I always wanted.No longer isolated ,crippled by anxiety or trapped by what I now realise was an controlling (him)verbally and emotionally abusive (him)and physically abusive relationship(me)William on the other hand became a recluse who would spend all his spare time smoking weed.I tried to encourage him to get out more with his friends.
I got councelling for months during my Dad’s hospital stay and after my split with William which helped show me a different way of dealing with anger and how to communicate.I know I will never be physically abusive in a relationship again because I have learned to love myself.My situationship with Keith has tested me and pushed me to my limits but never once have I ever even thought about lifting a finger to him.Once William found out about Keith and I,he did become physically violent with me.I forgive him totally because I understand it especially in these circumstances.He would threaten both Keith and I.He woud ring my family and everyone who would listen to tell them about how disgusted he was by me when he found out Keith and I had been secretly dating for four months before I told him.I won’t dive much further into it as its all detailed in the blog about Keith.
William eventually moved out and has since moved on with his new girlfriend (who he met when she moved into his new place as one of the new flatmates).We talk,text and occasionally meet up but things will never be the same.I miss our original friendship but I just dont think ex’s can be bestfriends and to be honest I dont want to be.I just want to move on and for everyone to be happy.William seems to be getting there thankfully.There is no more bitterness,just acceptance and lessons learned.
So now you know all about my 6 and a half year relationship with William.
Positive vibes always,