The First Cut is the Deepest

Hey gals and guys 😁,

Hope your week has got off to a good start.It was my first day back yesterday after being ill and it was not too bad 😏I was only working 12pm-4pm so it wasn’t as high stress as usual 😂Anyway as promised,I am going to blog about my first boyfriend,my first love,Mark.Its going to be another long one so grab a cup of tea and get comfy 😋

I first met Mark when I was just 12 years old.I had transferred from another school to St.Davog’s as the standard of teaching was far better.On my first day I remember being stood in front of the class and being introduced to everyone by the teacher Master Kelm.All the other pupils stared at me like I was a new shiny object or a prize to be won 😯I put on a front and smiled confidently😁.Master Kelm sat me with a group of girls whose job was to show me around and make me feel welcome.

At break time these girls brought me to a seating area where they explained the whose who of the school😎.The seating area was right beside the football pitch where all the boys would go at break time⚽.It soon came to my attention that I was in fact being recruited into the popular girl group.It was totally like a scene from the ‘Mean Girls’ movie 😂The group consisted of Laura,Aisling,Patrice,Tracy and Vanessa.I got along with these girls perfectly and they seemed to think I was this cool,older (I was only a year older)kid.They hung on my every word and followed me around.

At the end of my first day my parents were due to collect me but as we lived in another town which was 10 minutes away I had to wait around⏳.My new group of friends lived right across from the school so stayed with me except Vanessa who went straight home.As we stood chatting Patrice asks me “So…did you see any boys you fancy?😉”to which I replied”Not really😕”.This answer was not satisfactory as Patrice informed me”Not really means there was someone😜.Nearly everyone has a boyfriend.Just tell us or shows us and we will ask him out for you”.I seriously hadn’t spotted any guy but I knew they were not going to drop it and I wanted to fit in so I had a quick look around.I pointed to a blondey brown haired small boy with a cheeky grin👱.I thought if I had to have a boyfriend he was the best out of a bad lot🤔.The group of girls started giggling hysterically which left me confused until Aisling finally told me”That’s Laura’s twin brother Mark”.They seemed eager to impress me so Patrice said”We’ll talk to Mark and see what he says”.I didnt really care what he had to say but off they went to seek out this boy.

My parents finally showed up and I was relieved to have got my first day over😥.It was by no means the worst first day to have had but it was alot to take in.The next day as I walked into class Laura,Patrice,Aisling and Tracy came running up to me excitedly.Aisling said”So…we talked to Mark yesterday after you left and he thinks you are cute too😉.Do you want us to ask him out for you?👫”I was so embrassed but also excited that a boy thought I was cute.I was full of bravado so said coolly”Yeah suppose so”.They hurried off and class began.I could feel the eyes of the group of popular boys on me as they huddled around Mark giving advice and the sounds of the group of popular girls making plans for Mark and I to have our first meeting.In the canteen at lunch I was joined by Laura,Aisling,Patrice and Tracy.I noticed Vanessa sitting with Mark.She was talking to him but he kept looking over at me.I wasn’t listening at first what they were saying to me but then Patrice tapped my shoulder to get my attention and she said”Did you hear what I said?Mark wants to know will you meet him after school on Friday?You can say you are coming to one of our houses for a few hours after school”.It looked like I had no choice in the matter anyway so I just agreed to their plan.

The few days leading up to this meeting the school was buzzing with gossip about Mark and I😝.So much so that the popular groups in the year above mine got involved.They introduced themselves to me and from that moment on the groups of popular kids from the year above and ours hung out.I’m not sure what was happening!Friday came very quickly and my nerves were shot as 3pm rolled around.I had told my parents to come collect me at 5pm from Patrice’s house as planned.There was a back lane from the school leading onto the other side of town which had overhanging trees.I was instructed to meet Mark in the middle of that lane straight after school.

When the final bell went I seen Mark hand his school bag to Laura to take home.He looked over at me nervously and then walked out of the classroom.Patrice told me she would look after my school bag and to meet them after at the seating area beside the football pitch where they would be waiting (no mobile phones back then😂)As I headed off to the lane I seen the girls head off with the group of popular boys in our year (Mark’s friend’s Joey,Sean and Paul)and two of the popular kids from the year above (Nicole and Massey who were the “it”couple of the above year).

I got three quarters down the lane when I came face to face with Mark properly for the first time😮.It was not love at first sight or even like at first sight🤣.He talked first”Hi I’m Mark” so I introduced myself.He then said”Patrice,Laura and Aisling said you like me and want to kiss me”to which I just simply replied”Yes” so he asked me”Will you kiss me?”.I was so scared.My heart was racing as Mark nervously came closer to me.He put his arms around me so I done the same and you could tell we both just wanted to get it out of the way.Thankfully there was no awkward incidents of banging teeth or someone’s head going in for the kiss at the wrong direction.We gave eachother a innocent peck on the lips😚.When it was done we kind of just stood there in silence for a few minutes.I said we should go find the others (as I knew they were literally waiting on the edge of their seats to hear what had happened😂).As we started to walk back up the lane Mark held my hand👫.When we neared the school again we could hear giggling and whispers of “Sshh here they come”so it turns out I had a hidden audience for my first kiss ever 😳All the boys patted Mark on the back and giving him cheers of “Good on ya Mark”and I could overhear them asking questions such as”What was it like?Is she a good kisser?Did ye use tongue?”and the girls approached me excitedly with similar questions😂.

Once all questions had been answered in our seperate groups Mark and I were marched over to eachother.I can’t remember who asked but as Mark stood there sheepishly someone asked me out loud”Mark wants to know will you be his girlfriend?”I had never been anyone’s girlfriend before and he was the most popular boy in my year so I said”Yes we are boyfriend and girlfriend💑”.The next day at school it was like I had become a celebrity overnight.Everyone wanted to be my friend,to be seen with me,to hear about me and know every detail about me.Mark and I were the new “it”couple not only of our year but our school😶.It was all anyone could talk about especially since I found out that evening after we had our first kiss Mark went home and broke up with his girlfriend to be with me.That girlfriend turned out to be Vanessa but she didn’t seem to care.At 12 years old you dont get heartbroken I suppose😏.

As part of the “it”couple of the school I somehow automatically became the leader of the popular female kids in and Mark was already the leader of the popular boys.I would spend every Saturday at one of the girl’s houses so I could spend time with Mark.A typical Saturday consisted of me getting dropped off at one of their houses,we’d have a girly catch up on all the school gossip(by this time another girl had joined our group now called Emer who was dating Mark’s bestfriend and the second most popular boy in our year Joey).Mark would head out to meet the lads for a game of football at the school pitch so after a while we would go to the seating area to admire the boys and gossip.Then the boys would come to the seating area when the game was over and hang out.After a while Mark and I would head off for a walk to a secluded area as would Joey and Emer for some alone time which involved lots of kissing with tongue now haha😘.Then that evening youth club would be on (there would be games nights or discos).

It wasn’t long until my parents figured out that I had my first boyfriend and they done their best to keep the relationship very pg,for example,Mark and I wanted to go on a date to the swimming pool🏊.Usually parents dropped their kids there and came back in an hour but not my Dad.He stayed in the spectators gallery and when driving Mark home afterwards he wouldn’t let us sit in the backseat together.I was made ride up front with my Dad (so cringe).They were livid when they were called one evening to come collect me from youth club because Mark and I had been caught making out but not only that we were passing sweets to eachother using only our mouths (way to sexual at our age!)Of course this was the equivalent of tabloid fodder and it spread like wild fire at school.My parents were called to the school as my behaviour with Mark (holding hands in school,kissing behind trees or classrooms during school hours)was influencing other kids to do the same (Emer and Joey,Nicole and Massey)so my parents tried to break us up but we just got better at hiding our relationship from the adults.

Looking back it wasnt much of a relationship but first boyfriend’s usually arent.We just met to make out,made small talk and then went back to hanging out with our friends😂.Mark and I barely knew eachother in all honesty.I wasn’t even in love with Mark at all during that time.Yet I always had a place in my heart for him because he was my first boyfriend,my first kiss,he gave me my first Valentine’s day card and present,first boy I hugged,first boy I cuddled and we had alot of other firsts together (nothing sexual first time round)We dated for 9 months before I broke up with him😔.Mark didn’t date anyone again until he went to secondary school.I moved onto my next boyfriend while in my final year of primary school,one of Mark’s good friend’s Sean.Sean was not good-looking whatsoever but won me over with charm and humour.What was different too was that we were also friends.We hungout alot instead of just meeting up to make out 😂To this day Sean is still one of the funniest people I know🤣.Little did I know that my dating Sean would spark a love triangle years later.

I started my new secondary school in September 2002.I wasn’t nervous as I was going to the same school as all my friends.Mark and Joey however ended up going to a different secondary school.Sean and I split up after a year of dating a few days after we started secondary school but remained good friends😅.Secondary school opened my eyes and I quickly stopped hanging out with popular girls from my primary school as they were bullying people.I am not proud but I joined in at first bullying the fat kids,the emo kids etc.I made a new group of friends(some of whom are still my closest friends to this present day) in my second year of secondary school,the so-called geeks (consisting of Emma,Aisling S,Vanessa G,Helena,Sarah,Aisling G,Paula and Sinead)who despite being bullied by me forgave and excepted myself and Vanessa with open arms.We kept to ourselves yet the most popular boy in our year took a real liking to me😉.I was never short of male attention and even though I hung out with what was considered the “geeky”gang I was still considered the most popular girl in our year which is why my former group of friends hated me even more😬.They thought I would be nothing without them.

As the years went by I lost touch with Mark but I always kept the first present he ever bought me and I still have it to this very day(A teddy bear mouse🐭).When I was 17 years old I was attending a music festival which had started up the previous year in my home town🎤🎸.I still attend that music festival every year.I was there with my friends Sarah and Paula.I had been drinking all weekend (festival is from a Thurs-Mon)🍺.I have not much memory from it but apparently I randomly started fighting with a phonebox which the two girls found hilarious so left me to it😒.Suddenly someone walks by and I hear a male voice saying”Shauna,is that you?”It was if I sobered up instantly.I remember the moment I heard his voice clear as day.It was Mark.

I ran over to him excitedly and hugged him.He had not changed much apart from his hair was now completely brown,he was a bit taller and more filled out.I couldn’t believe it was him😮.I instantly fell in love with him as soon as I saw him😍💑❤.My whole life and world changed in that moment.I never felt anything like it.After we caught up briefly,Mark handed me a can of beer before he headed off,our hands touched and he looked up at me with a warm smile and said”It was so great to see you Shauna and I hope I’ll see you at some point over the weekend again”.As he walked away with Joey,I turned to Sarah and said”I am in love with him and I am going to marry him one day💘💍👰”.She thought it was the alcohol talking but little did she know what was in store.

The next day I ran into Mark at the festival and this time we hungout properly.We were inseparable.We actually talked and got to know eachother properly.I never knew how funny,sweet,caring and outgoing he was before.Everytime we looked at eachother we couldn’t stop smiling😀.I never wanted the day to end but Mark was heading home the next day.Even though he still lived in the next town over we never ran into eachother and we didn’t have each other’s numbers.Thankfully by that time social media and mobile phones were invented but it was Vanessa who would finally bring Mark and I back together again.

I spent the next few days after the festival constantly talking about Mark.I thought I wouldn’t see him again (I could have asked my ex-bestfriend and his twin sister  for his number but we were now enemies so I doubt she would have given it to me).Luckily for me Vanessa had set a plan in motion.She was still friendly with Mark (they ran into eachother from time to time).Vanessa had began going to discos in this bar that let underage people in and served alcohol so she invited me to stay over at her house along with Paula to take me there to cheer me up🍺.The other girls were going to meet us at the bar.I got all dressed up and we headed off to the bar.

It was coming close to 11pm which is when the music started.We were sitting down in a booth down the back of the bar near the DJ💿🎧.We were drinking and having a good time.The other girls came in and the night felt complete.As the DJ played some tunes we decided to get on the dancefloor.As I was dancing with Sarah I felt a tap on my shoulder and when I turned around Mark was standing there with a big smile on his face.I leaped into his arms and gave him the biggest kiss on the cheek.Sarah just nodded her head at me and went back to the booth.Mark and I danced with our arms around each other.When the song ended (Rihanna ‘Umbrella’ which became “our song”)we went to the bar and Mark bought me a drink🍹.

While at the bar I said to Mark”I can’t believe your here”and he replied”I was so happy when I saw you at the festival”.I couldn’t stop the smile spreading across my face😀.I flirted back by saying”I am so happy Vanessa brought me here tonight” and Mark said”Yeah,I am glad she convinced me to come here tonight”.I said”Vanessa convinced you?” and he said “She asked if I was going to the bar tonight and when I said I wasnt sure she told me I should so I knew she was up to something”.When we got back to the booth I hugged Vanessa and thanked her for her sneaky plan 😋

Mark and I spent an hour talking in the corner.We laughed about our relationship when we were younger and about what we got up to while we lost touch.He took me by the hand and brought me out to dance again.As we were dancing one of Mark’s friends called Dave (who I never met before)came over and said loudly”Are you going to kiss her yet?”We both laughed and Mark looked at me.I just nodded my head yes.He pulled me in close and we kissed😙.It was the most amazing kiss😍.It was slow and passionate😘.My heart was racing but I never wanted to stop kissing him.It felt right.We were inseparable all night.As the lights came up a sadness washed over me as I knew it was time to part but Mark said he would add me on ‘Bebo'(the Facebook of the 00’s).

He kept true to his word and we spoke all the time via ‘Bebo’ and ‘MSN’💻.I fell madly in love.We spent every weekend together hanging out in town going for walks,having bonfires with friends,going to house parties and we were inseparable.Everywhere the other went the other followed.My parents were aprehensive about the relationship as I spent all my time being with Mark or speaking with him instead of studying for my GCSE’s (Leaving Cert,GED etc).Mark’s family apart Laura were thrilled that we were back together.Laura soon came round when she realised just how much I loved Mark.

I successfully completed my GCSE’s and decided to move to another school to another school to take entrance exams needed before entering university/college called A-Level’s.It takes 2 years to study for and complete these exams.Mark had also decided to do the same at a school nearby me which was the new school my friend Sarah was attending.It was great because Mark and I got the same bus to and from our schools as it was 45 minutes away from our home towns.During school hours we would text.I hated my new school as did Mark.He switched to a tech school to study business instead of going to University/College.I began to skip some classes to sneak into the tech break room and hangout with Mark.We would just cuddle up and watch tv most of the day 😂My parents were furious when they found out I was skivving.

I never felt love like it.I just wanted to make Mark as happy as he made me.He always told me how beautiful I was and made me feel like the most special person on the world.We done all the usual young adult milestones of going to debs/formal/prom,made future plans for University/College and discussed getting married,where we would live and how many children we wanted.Again we shared some our firsts together such as we were eachothers first partners to stay over in the others house (not until we turned 18 years old),first time either of us had been in love,I was his first sexual experience (I had all my first sexual experiences with a pervious long-term partner unfortunately)etc.

10 months after we reconnected our relationship began to run into problems.Mark’s friends started getting into drugs as did he.Nothing hardcore in the beginning(just poppers)but it soon progressed to ecstasy.He gradually became a different person.He was cocky around everyone and pushed me away.I was so confused.I couldn’t understand why this was happening.I didn’t feel like I was worth it or good enough if he chose partying over me.I soon began hearing rumours that he had being seeing other people behind my back.Mark had come out as bisexual before we got together again and I loved him as he was.When I confronted him about the rumours he admitted it straight away.The last 9 months of our relationship was toxic.There glimpses of the better times which is why I held on for so long but it got to a point that he would get with someone else,I’d go out and get drunk to ease the pain,then I’d get with someone to get back at him(usually with Sean hence the love triangle mentioned earlier)and then we’d be back to being all lovey dovey.Despite our destructive behaviour I didn’t stop loving him.I just saw him as someone who needed help and believed that as long as there was still love there than we could get through anything.After 19 months together( on and off mostly for the last 9 months)I decided love wasn’t enough anymore.

Going to University/College felt like the right time to break the cycle and give me the space I would need to get over Mark as I would be far enough away that I wouldn’t be tempted to go see him.I felt so defeated and broken without him.I thought I would never get over Mark or find someone I would love that way ever again.It took me 4 years to get over Mark properly.When I began my relationship with William I was honest with him and told him a part of me will always love Mark and I think that is true for everyone when it comes to their first love.Mark and I lost touch again for a few years but we stayed friends on Facebook.

I ran into him a few years later at the very same music festival back home that I had fallen in love with him all those years previous.It was then I realised being face to face with him again that I was finally over him.I had dropped my ID card in the street and he was the one to find it.He messaged me to come meet him to collect it.He told me about that he had got his life together,he was living in England with his then partner (he has since split up with that one and moved on with his new boyfriend Chris)and has a great career.

I am so grateful that I experienced my first love and heartbreak with Mark.He taught me what it meant to be selfless,patient,passionate and what it felt like to be in love.He made me feel confident,happy,calm,alive,sexy and what is was like to have your bestfriend and lover all rolled into one.To this day I care about him and love him.Despite the messiness to the end of our love story we managed to salvage a friendship as there is a deep connection that can never be broken once you have shared all that we did.He will always be a part of me.We get in contact via Facebook and Snapchat from time to time.I have a feeling Mark and I will always reconnect or meet again.Fate keeps bringing us back together but I know its going to be a different future than we planned.I’m lucky to be able to say I can count my first love and my first ever boyfriend among my friends.Here’s to Mark for teaching me about love.Its true what they say “The First Cut is the Deepest”.

In honour of first loves,first boyfriends and first heartbreaks here is a mini gallery of me with mine (only pictures I have of that time):

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

 

 

 

 

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The Pieces of Me

I'm a 28 year woman living in the greatest city in Ireland aka Galway.This blog is my personal diary of the struggles I face dating,the crazy drama I can never avoid,the complicated relationships with my family/friends and battles with mental health.I hope if anyone reads this they will find it helpful and funny because you won't believe the shit that happens to me but I promise its all true!Enjoy...😁

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