Hey gals and guys,
So after three days back at work I am off again for a week😁.My younger sister is making her confirmation so I am going home to Donegal for it.I can’t wait to see my family 😁I haven’t seen them since my birthday in January 😯.
Keith is back to his usual self thankfully😄.I don’t know why he goes through these random phases of being distant🤔.I suppose everyone needs time and space alone.He went out for a few drinks on Tuesday night and rang me at 2:40am telling me he was on his way home🍻.He asked if I was mad at him for being drunk but I wasn’t.I was just happy he was in a good mood 😊When he got back he came straight up to my apartment🏡.I was watching tv and trying to fall asleep (I usually fall asleep with the tv on)😪.Keith noticed I was watching ‘Friends’ and he couldn’t believe I liked it.He isn’t a fan because apparently he doesn’t need to watch that “fake shit” when he is living it in real life 😂(I love his drunk ramblings)
Keith lay at the end of my bed and we started talking but I could tell something was bothering him🤔.He was very fidgety and couldn’t stay still.One minute he’d be lying on my bed,then he’d stand for a few minutes and then he’d kneel at the end of my bed.He’d start a sentence and then stop mid-way saying”I can’t ask you,you have your flights booked and everything sorted”.I kept begging him to ask me what he wanted to anyway but then he would look at me intently and say”I will wait for you,I will be here waiting for you”.
He told me that I am right to leave and go to Australia.Then he expressed how unhappy he is in Galway so yet again I advised him to leave if that was the case but he told me he couldn’t yet.Keith got up from kneeling on the floor and sat at the edge of my bed up the top beside me.He cupped my face and kissed me 😙I couldn’t help but smile 😄We cuddled for a bit and then he finally climbed in bed beside me🛏.It was so strange as this is the first time in nearly a year he slept over in my apartment.He used to refuse and I think its because I lived there with my ex-boyfriend William.It made Keith uncomfortable 😕
We cuddled up to eachother and continued talking.Keith opened up like never before 😊He talked about his childhood a bit and how happy it was.He wants to raise his kids in his hometown (which I am more than happy to do,I have been back to his parents house there and liked it).His job offered him a payrise (so he was out celebrating that night) and we talked about our past relationships a bit.I understand now why he has always been so reluctant to commit to me and its going to take time which we have plenty of while I go off travelling✈.As always though when we talk about our past relationships,the jealousy creeps in (stupidly)and we started arguing😡.
The arguement started when he said”I can’t believe you let some little geeky motherfucker have sex with you”(he was talking about Craig who I was seeing for a few weeks while Keith and I were not talking).I got frustrated and snapped back”Thats one guy compared to the amount of dirty bitches you stuck your dick into over the last few months”😠He argued that was different because there was no feelings involved but there was with myself and Craig (I wouldn’t say feelings though,I liked him but it was never serious).I personally don’t see how its different😕.We both had sex with other people thats the bottom line.He informed me that Craig clearly was using me as he was nowhere to be seen anymore.Keith then said I am too good for guys like Craig which was sweet😀.I finally told Keith how badly he broke my heart and trust when he began having sex with other women💔.I think I got it through to him how much he hurt me because he told me”I have been so badly hurt in the past by my ex that I am afraid of falling in love.I have been testing you and I still do because I want to know it won’t happen to me again”.I appreciated his honesty more than he could ever understand.
He rubbed my head and told me that he wanted me to know that I can rely on him and that he wanted to be the only person I rely on but I am not at the point where I feel like I can rely on him.I explained that I rely on my friends and family as I feel like he is only with me when it suits him.I opened up to him about being sick the other week and Keith was genuinely hurt that I had kept it from him☹.He got angry when I told him about Lidl and he said”You are my woman and this is going to stop.No more people are going to take advantage of you”.
I decided now was the time to be totally honest with Keith,get all feelings and frustrations out in the open.I truely believe he cares about me but I am not 100% sure he loves me😐.He only told me he loved me for the first time about a month ago despite us seeing each other on and off for a year (he did tell me he was falling in love with me this time last year but it was never mentioned again.)Keith was stunned when I said to him”You’re not in love with me”.He looked at me exasperated and replied”Of course I am in love with you!How could I not be?You are gorgeous,way too nice,kind,caring,you’re always there for me and you make me smile.You are one of the most important people in my life”😍.I asked him”Then why am I not good enough to commit to?Why did you have sex with all those other women”Again he looked shocked and devastated when he replied”Is that what you really think?That you’re not good enough?I’m sorry baby,I’m just not the type of guy to show how I feel or even say it sometimes”.He gave me the biggest hug to comfort me.
I then told Keith about William’s visit the night before.He got angry.”What did that dickhead want?”he fumed to which I replied that William had come over to collect some stuff I found that he had left behind.Keith asked if William had said anything about him and I gave it to him straight that William had warned me that Keith is a bad person (thats putting it nicely).He asked what my reply was and I said”I told him that you had problems but I love you and that I didnt want to discuss it any further”.He then said”You didn’t deserve what he put you through and I don’t see why a woman like you ever went near a guy like that!”.I didn’t reply as I try to keep the two separate.I only informed Keith of William’s visit so there was no secrecy but I didnt want to go into details.
By now I wasn’t getting the straight answers I felt I needed from Keith in regards to our future.I had expressed that when I came back from Australia I want to get married and have children right away but we both kept it vague👰🤵🤰.We didnt say we wanted that with eachother.The lack of trust it seems on both sides kept us from saying it.I turned away from him to watch the tv.After a few moments of silence,he asked me to turn around again.I turned to face him and he asked me”Are you on the pill?”and I said”No,why?”to which he replied very seriously”Lets try have a baby right now”🤰.I was taken aback and exclaimed”We can’t have a baby right now!I’m going to Australia and you don’t mean it”.Keith said”Yes I do.I just want to have a baby” and I told him to stop talking shit.
There was another pause and I thought he had gone to sleep but suddenly he spoke and said”I want you to know I respect you.That its not just about sex with you.Do you want to meet my parents tomorrow?”.Wow,this was huge.I was so happy he was asking but I had work the next day so I asked him could we do it another time.Keith said to ring in sick but I explained I couldn’t due to being off on medical leave for the previous week.I think I blew my one chance of meeting his parents because he got pissed off and said”See I make this big effort and it gets thrown back in my face”.I tried to make him see it wasn’t a rejection but he seemed to think it was no matter how much I explained I just wanted to rearrange for a day that I wasnt working.
I apologised for having had a fling with Craig and any other hurt I had caused him.I just wanted to go to sleep and stop the bickering.He never apologised because he fell fast asleep mid conversation.I kissed him on the cheek and went to sleep.The next morning Keith woke me up by rubbing my back and pushing his hard penis against my ass 😂I hadn’t slept very well so I didnt even put any effort in to be honest.I done the bare minimum so it was no wonder he didn’t cum but then again either did I.It was probably one of the worst times we have had sex.We went back to sleep and woke up an hour later.
As is the usual routine we both checked our social media.Keith always used to turn his phone screen away from me so I couldn’t see but this time he showed me a message from a woman he got wishing him a happy birthday and he was confused as his birthday isn’t for a few weeks.As he deleted his snaps from the night out I could just see a long list of women on his snap chat friends.Only names I remember are Courtney,Rebecca and Sarah.Again he wasn’t trying to hide his phone screen as normal so I am not sure what to think.I checked my snapchat and I was viewing Mark’s (my first love)story.Keith(unbeknownst to me)was watching the snap over my shoulder and asked who it was so I briefly explained about Mark.Keith couldn’t understand why I would still be friends with an ex.I couldn’t believe he wasn’t friends with any of his.We agreed to disagree on the whole being friends with an ex issue.
Keith got dressed not long after and went back to his own apartment.Half an hour later I saw him get in his car and leave.He hadn’t been back to his own apartment since then (I am going to assume he is back at his parents house)
I went to work a few hours later.After work Chris,Liam,Ellen and I decided to go for a few drinks which was really fun.We went to a pub I had never been too so thats another one crossed off the list.Chris and Liam left at around 1am but myself and Ellen had got the buzz for the sesh so we went to another pub where we met up with Bruce and some of his co-workers/friends.We had a great night 😁I texted Keith giving out he wasn’t home to look after me when I am drunk (so much for me being able to rely on him).My pillows smelt of his aftershave though and I slept like a baby sniffing them 😂
I am back home in Ballyshannon for a week for my younger sister’s confirmation and making arrangements for going to Australia.I have 5 weeks left in Galway.I am really freaking out now.My biggest worry is that I am making a mistake by leaving Keith.I know he wants me to go and he’ll be waiting for me but what if he resents me for leaving?
I am pure wrecked so I will love you and leave you here.
Positive vibes always,