Hey gals and guys,
Hope you all had a lovely long weekend for the bank holiday 😎The weather here was so beautiful and despite being in work I managed to get sunburnt as our store front is all glass so the sun/heat was shining in on us😎One of my managers actually described my face as red as a pepper 😂It’s my final few days working for Lidl and the anxiety is really starting to kick up a notch😣
Last night I didn’t get much sleep because I kept having nightmares😫.It’s been a long time since I have had nightmares let alone ones that scared the shit out of me 😮The first nightmare I had was that I was on a ship going to Australia but for some reason we had to cross the Atlantic Ocean to get there🚢.As the night came the temperatures dropped and there was warnings being sent to the captain about icebergs but he ignored them (starting to sound familiar?!)🌊❄I was in my cabin having a “house party”(typical me!)when the ship hit an iceberg.We could hear the screeching as it tore through the side of the ship.We immediately went to the top deck but as we tried to get through the crowds had now started stampeding in the same direction in sheer panic😰.By the time my friends(who I didnt recognise in the nightmare)and I reached the top deck all the lifeboats had gone🚣.Suddenly we could feel the top half of the ship beginning to rise up out of the water as the bottom part began to sink.My friends and I were at the bottom so we ran to the top of the ship.We desperately tried to think of our best chance to get off the ship.We thought about jumping into the ocean and swimming to shore but we knew the freezing temperatures would kill us or we’d die from exhaustion trying to swim.
We decided to go into the cabin of one of my friends and hope that a ship would pass by and rescue us before our half of the ship began to sink.We sat in silence in the cabin for 20 minutes when we heard a crunching noise and we felt our half of the ship now hit the ocean with a crash.We slowly began to sink down but the water didn’t break the windows🤔.It was like we were in a submarine.I stared in utter shock at the marine life and how dark the ocean got the further we sank😲.When we finally hit the bottom of the ocean bed with a massive thud I could actually physically feel the panic in my stomach in reality.I can’t even begin to describe it😣.The feeling of being trapped and weighed down was unbearable😢.Strangely as time went by no water came into our cabin.It was like our cabin was sealed off but we knew it was only a matter of time before that could change⏳.We shouted for help even though we knew noone would hear us at the bottom of the ocean.We had limited rations in our cabin so we knew we could only survive a few days before we’d die of starvation.We decided the only way was getting out of the cabin and swimming to the surface but the chances of the water pressure drowning us,getting killed by marine life or exhaustion killing us first was very likely.Three people volunteered to try first and as I watched them try to swim to the surface the tears streamed down my face as I resigned myself to dying in the cabin😭.Then I woke up sweating😥.
I went back to sleep immediately but the same nightmare picked up where I left off.In that cabin crying my eyes out and having a panic attack😭😰😯The ocean water started to fill the cabin and I forced myself to wake up again.
It took me a while to get back to sleep again.When I did a new nightmare engulfed me😳.
I had quit Lidl and I was spending time with my friends in Galway before I was due to leave for Australia in a few weeks time🏖.I began feeling ill one morning but I didn’t think anything of it🤢🤒Then I was hit with extreme exhaustion😪.Then I noticed I had put on a bit of weight.After 2 weeks of this I thought I would take a pregnancy test on the slim chance that could be the reason for my symtoms.I laughed to myself that I was being overdramatic because I had used a condom when having sex with the musician (in reality)and Keith always cums on my boobs to avoid any chance of getting me pregnant(in reality too).I peed on the clearblue stick and waited for what felt like the longest two minutes of my life.When I looked at the test to my horror it was positive🙎.
I booked an appointment with my GP to get a test just to make sure I didn’t get a false positive.My GP took a blood and urine sample which both came back positive.I was pregnant🤰.I had a blank expression on my face as the GP then informed me I also have chylmedia😡After a few moments of silence I told the GP I didn’t know who the father was as I had recently slept with two different people(which I have in reality,my guilt of what happened with the musician taking over).Through tears and bewilderment I explained that I had used a condom with the musician and had only a little doubt that the condom broke but I had decided I was being silly so I didn’t get the morning after pill and also Keith never cums inside me so its not possible for the baby to be his.She tried to calm me down and reassured me we could find out who the father was by doing a scan.
As soon as I left the GP’s office I rang my friend Lisa📱.I cried down the phone as I said the words”Looks like Jamie is going to get a little friend.I’m pregnant and not going to Australia now😓😭😡”.She was super excited until I told her I didn’t want the baby but I couldn’t afford an abortion nor was I sure I could go through with one as this might be my only chance to have a baby as I was so convinced I was infertile(which I do believe is true but never medically confirmed).She suggested I go to Australia anyway,pretend I didn’t realise I was pregnant until a few weeks after I got there and fly back to Ireland before I have the baby to give birth.I told her I needed time to think first.When I hung up the phone I saw I had a message from Keith asking if I wanted to meet up for drinks later that evening and I replied”Yes”.I thought it would give me the chance to come clean about the musician and the pregnancy.
I got dressed up and I wore a loose fitting top to cover my small bump🤰.We went to ‘The Skeff’ and the musician happened to be playing a gig🎸🎙.We got a table near the stage and I didn’t even look at the musician but I could feel his eyes on me👀Keith asked what I wanted to drink and I said”Diet 7UP”.He looked at me weirdly and said”Diet 7UP?Why are you not drinking tonight?”and I made the excuse”I have to be up for work early in the morning”.He said”But you finished work you said”so I replied”Sorry so many things on my mind,I mean’t that I have an early appointment”.He quizzed me”For what?”so I told the truth and said”A doctor’s appointment”.Again he questioned me by asking”Why are you going to the doctor?”and I lied”Just getting some tests done”🤥Keith seemed somewhat satisfied with this answer and headed off to the bar🥛.He returned with my ‘Diet 7UP’ and he sat beside me to watch the musician’s gig.As the musician played ‘Take My Hand’ by Picture This (which he does in every gig in reality)he kept looking at me and it didn’t go un-noticed by Keith🤔.He commented”This musician is really good”and I agreed but I didn’t say a word.He then says”Do you know him because he keeps looking down at you?”and I deny having ever met the musician.Keith seems to think I am telling the truth as he put his hand on my leg but I get the feeling its more to test me and to see how the musician reacts.The musician sees this and begins strumming his guitar hard and its now obvious why but I play innocent😇.As the gig comes to an end and I see the musician has his back turned to pack up I say to Keith”I think I want to go home now.I am exhausted and not feeling well”.He asks what is wrong and I tell him I need to go to bed and get an early night😴🛌.We leave hand in hand and I can see the musician watching us go👫.
When we arrive back to our apartment block Keith asks me to stay in his apartment for the night but I tell him that I would rather be in my own bed when I am feeling unwell so he kisses me goodnight on the cheek and I head up to my own apartment😙I check my phone and see I have a snapchat from the musician asking who was the guy I was with tonight but I don’t reply📱
The next day I have a scan in the hospital to find out how far along into the pregnancy I am🏥🤰.The nurse tells me I am 12 weeks exactly.I break down as she congratulates me.I really don’t want this baby I tell her but its too late into the pregnancy for an abortion.She suggests adoption but I tell her I couldn’t go through giving birth and then try give up the baby to someone else as I knew I would love her as soon as I held her(the baby was a girl).I then told the nurse I now knew who the father was and it was Keith.I asked how its even possible as he never cums inside me and she tells me its possible I conceived from pre-ejaculate sperm (which can happen).
After the scan I ring Lisa and tell her about it.She asks me how I think Keith is going to react and I said I am not going to tell him.I tell Lisa that I am just going to avoid him until he simply stops contacting me and moves on.She asks why and I explain that he won’t believe that he is the father and I’ll be left alone anyway so there is no point telling him.She encourages me to go to Australia if I am not going to tell Keith about the pregnancy✈.I tell her that I think I am going to go with her idea of going to Australia and pretend I find out I am pregnant while there.
A week goes by of me making excuses not to see Keith when he phones me or when he messages I tell him I am busy packing for Australia👝.My bump is visible if I wear tight clothing so I wear loose clothes all the time incase I bump into Keith🤰.The next week as I am walking out of my apartment I hear Keith calling after me but I pretend I don’t hear him🙉.I begin to walk at a fast pace and I can hear him running after me🏃.He stands in front of me so I try to side step him but he stretches out his arms to stop me🙌.He begs me”Please tell me what I have done wrong!Why are you ignoring me”.I tell him it doesnt matter why and I politely ask him to step aside.He takes me by the hands and says”Please talk to me”and as I look into his sad eyes I break down in tears and tell him”Keith I am pregnant and it’s yours”🤰😢😮.He drops my hands and looks confused as he says”You’re lying,it must be someone else’s”😓.I get angry now and yell”I knew this is exactly how you would react.Don’t worry,you don’t have to be involved in the baby’s life.I am going to Australia to have it so you can pretend it doesn’t exist”😠.He then asks me in bewilderment”How do you know its mine?”so I explain what the nurse told me about pre-cum and he looks at me with pure rage as he raises his voice to say”Thats bullshit”😡.I offer for him to come to a scan and ask the nurse himself but he says”Just stay the fuck away from me”😬.As he walks away I sit on the curb heartbroken,humilated and in floods of tears😭😳
A few days go by and I have to make the decision whether or not to go to Australia or face the wrath of my parents for fucking up my life by getting pregnant😨I am more leaning towards telling my parents the disappointing news.I make the preparations to send all my belongings back to Donegal as if I were still going to Australia.I decide I’ll tell them the devastating pregnancy news face to face.By now I have told everyone I am friends with in Galway about the pregnancy and Keith’s reaction🤰😦.They try to comfort me but all I keep saying through the tears is how much I don’t want this baby.As I leave my apartment to go for another scan,I hear Keith call my name.I stop in my tracks as he races up to me and asks”How many weeks are you?”.I ask him”What does it matter?”and he takes me by the hands and says”You are right to take this baby to Australia away from me.You knew how I would react”.He lets go of my hands and walks away with tears in his eyes.I decide to go to Australia and tell my parents when I am there by phone so I can pretend I only found out over there.
I woke up with tears in my eyes😢The nightmare felt so real😟I actually thought it was happening when I first woke up😞I had to sit and really think about it for a few seconds🤔Its so weird because all day I have been so upset about this nightmare☹Even though its a nightmare I can’t help this feeling of overwhelming sadness😦.In the back of my mind a tiny part of me is actually thinking I should take a pregnancy test😩.You read stories in magazines all the time about people having dreams and then they become reality soon after as if they’re getting a message from their subconscious or the great beyond.
The nightmare freaked me out so much that when Keith messaged me before work today asking could we meet up tonight I said”No I am working late”🤥.He said he didn’t mind so I told him I’d see how I felt after work but I had already made up my mind that I really couldn’t face seeing him😔.I was in too bad a mood.When I got home from work I messaged him to say that I was too exhausted and maybe another time.I know I am being stupid but I feel so depressed after those nightmares but particularly the baby one that I want to left alone.
I don’t know why but I feel like Keith is going to start pulling away from me emotionally again.Maybe thats what the nightmare was warning me about🤔He never messages he wants to meet up until right before he decides he is coming to see me anyway.Last time he began messaging me making formal arrangements to see eachother he began pulling away emotionally very quickly.I soon found out it was because he had began having sex with other women and was trying to hide it fron me (which he was useless at).He would only message me every few weeks to meet up for sex and then he would want me to leave his apartment straight after.We actually stopped talking apart from exchanging pleasantries before we had sex.This continued for a few months until one evening he asked me to come down to have sex and I was about to get up and leave when he asked if I wanted a beer and to play a racing game with him🎮🏍After the game he had some work to do so again I was going to leave but he said he would watch an episode of a tv show with me and thats how we began slowly fixing things between us over the last few months.
I can’t go through that again.Its going to be hard to say goodbye to him when I leave for Australia.I don’t think I can do it.I thinks its best I leave it as it is now while its good between us especially if he is going to start pulling away emotionally again.I can save myself the heartbreak by ripping off the bandaid now by avoiding him.If he messages asking to meet up I’ll make up an excuse.If he calls I’ll answer and make up an excuse.If he turns up at my door,you guessed it,I’ll make up an excuse.This way it gives me a few weeks to get used to him not being around before I go and hopefully it’ll make it easier for me to leave.No last goodbye.No tears.No hugs.Just knowing we had a good few months and were closer than ever before.I know Keith will be confused but its for the best.Its not out of guilt for what happened with the musician either.Just a realisation that sometimes love isn’t enough.I don’t know if its the right choice but its the choice I am sticking with for now anyway.It could change again but right now I just have this overwhelming feeling of needing to protect myself against any potential hurt or heartbreak Keith could bring.
Positive vibes always,