Hey gals and guys 😁,
Its official!I signed the paperwork today📃.My last shift in Lidl is on Saturday.This is so scary😮.Its been the one constant in my life for the last two years.I have made life long friends working there😄.Its also exciting😆.I’ll have more free time and I can relax(a bit).
I also sent away the form and copy of my passport to obtain my visa for Australia🏖.Its so real now.I am actually moving to the other side of the world🌏Beginning a new adventure 😊Of course I am an emotional wreck leaving behind the people who have become like family to me here in Galway.Hardest of all leaving behind the love of my life 😍
Keith messaged me asking when he can see me again 😓I made up the excuse that I am busy packing for Australia and finishing up in Lidl so I wasn’t sure 🤥
I know many people don’t agree with my plan to stay away from him,to push him away and avoid saying a proper goodbye❣.He has just started trusting me enough not to break his heart to finally open up to me yet here I am avoiding him🤔
I can’t say goodbye to Keith🖤.I just can’t do it.The thought of it tears me up inside 😢He is my everything and I love him so much❤.Things between us have been better than ever so why not quit while were in a good place?
I am being a coward 😨He deserves a proper goodbye💑He deserves closure but I am afraid that saying goodbye could mean just until I return next year or forever.The fear of the unknown.At least by not seeing him anymore I can get used to it before I go to Australia✈.
Even if I were able to say a proper goodbye to him,how do I begin to tell him how much he means to me?!He made me embrace life again😀.How do I explain that to him?!How do I thank him for that.Yet on the flip side he has also broken my heart and trust so many times that apart of me thinks he deserves to be left with nothing but the realisation that I have gone without a goodbye💔
I have never had to face this situation before😕.I don’t know if I am running away from this or protecting myself?🤔.Distancing myself so that it won’t hurt as much when the day comes that I have to leave Keith.Its kills me catching glimpses of him going to and from work🚘I yearn for him to hold me and tell me that we’ll be together again soon but I know thats not something he can do because we don’t know what the future has in store.
All I know is that I want Keith to be happy,healthy,safe and to find love😄👰.If thats with me or not then I love him enough that I will learn to let go just like I did with Mark.
How long I can keep making excuses not to see him until he gets suspicious I am not certain😕Maybe I am being too ambitious in hoping that he’ll only realise it when I am already gone😥.I couldn’t sleep last night as I kept having panic attacks and all I wanted was him beside me.The thought of saying goodbye is unbearable.The thought of never seeing him again scares the hell out of me!🤤
At least here,I can watch from afar to know if he is safe.That he got home ok after a night out.That he hasn’t choked on his own vomit after drinking too much.That when he has a cold/flu he is taking the nescessary steps to relax and recover.That his mental state is ok when work/life gets him down.That he doesn’t say something he can’t take back during a rare heated arguement with his brother or friends.I balance him out or so I am told⚖.
In my mind by walking away now from him I am protecting and saving us both from the fallout of being in love and having to say goodbye👋.I always put him first but I know in this situation I am selfishly putting myself first.
No matter the outcome or what life has in store in the coming weeks,months and years,Keith will always have a place in my heart 😍💕I am so lucky to have fallen in love twice in my 28 years on this earth.I have experienced passion,happiness,peace,completeness but also hurt,heartbreak and hard-learned lessons.I’ll always appreciate both Keith and Mark for all of the memories (good and bad)that we created together.After all they will always be apart of me no matter where I am in this world and I know its the same for them 🌍
Positive vibes always,