Don’t Let the Muggles get you Down

Hey gals and guys 😁,

I have had a shit day!

It started great.I finally had a good night’s sleep for the first time in two weeks and woke up feeling refreshed.

I went into town and ran some errands.I sorted the last details left for going to Australia.All flights,visa,travel insurance etc paid for and ready to go 😁This was also tinged with sadness😔The realisation I have only 1 month left in Galway hit me hard and I started feeling panicky when I thought of only seeing Keith for 1 more month😣I still haven’t changed my mind on not seeing or communicating with him though😕

To cheer myself up I indulged in some retail therapy 😂I treated myself to a mermaid comforter,new underwear and a new top 😁Then I treated myself even further by getting a MacDonald’s 🍔🍟

When I got home I just chilled out but I suddenly heard someone at my door.They didn’t knock but just slid a letter under the door.It was from the rental company telling me that my rent was in arrears!They said I have 14 days to pay or else they will evict me 😠

Before the flatmates moved out they messaged me to tell me that they e-mailed the rental company to tell them to use their deposit as their last months rent📧I only paid half of the total rent thinking it was all sorted between them and the rental company.Also the letter was addressed to myself and my ex William despite us having signed a new lease when my flatmates moved in 😒

I messaged my now ex-flatmate Fiona asking her to e-mail the company but I am going down to the rental company office tomorrow to sort it out😠I am not paying their half of the rent😠I will make sure the company contacts my ex-flatmates and hold them responsible.I will show the company the messages between myself and the flatmates.I cant afford this extra expense 😡Also I will show them my e-mail to them informing them that I am moving out next month and tell them I am only paying half a months rent as I will only be staying half a month!

I am so raging about this.I wanted everything to go smoothly during my last few weeks in Galway but its off to a shitty start!

At least I get to spend time with my friends Aoife and Lauren on Friday 😀We’re going for dinner and to the cinema to see ‘Deadpool 2’ 😁

I seen Keith briefly today😊I was waiting on William to come collect something so was looking out the window to see his car.I saw Keith leaving to go somewhere at 10:45pm⏲It peeked my suspicions as always🤔My psycho,jealous,crazy and paranoid ass convinced he was going out so late to meet a woman so I stayed peeking out the window.Turns out he went to get a takeaway 😒How do people learn to trust people again?I want to be able to do that and move past this so I can maybe build a friendship with him when I come back from Australia.Maybe time away will heal the wounds and we can start again when I come back.All I know is I love him 💏

I probably wont sleep tonight worrying about this whole rent thing so hopefully it will get resolved tomorrow!Tomorrow is a new day and all that 😊

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

 

Lady of Leisure

Hey gals and guys 😁,

Well its my first day as an unemployed lady of leisure 😃So what did I do?I went to Lidl 😂

I had to get food for the house as my cupboards were empty.I always ate at work so never done any food shopping 🍞🥕🍊🍝It was strange being in Lidl but no longer working there.It made me miss the team already 🤣

When I got home I made some dinner but had to throw half of it out as I began to feel ill.Not from my own cooking but I got a bad headache all of a sudden 🤒I had a nap but that didnt seem to help 😪When I woke up I decided to do my nails.I could never wear false nails because of my job but today I treated myself to some summery mermaid nails 😄

I haven’t heard from Keith but I did notice his car has been parked outside our apartment block all weekend 🚘I have been keeping an eye out for him and I was half expecting to get a drunken phonecall at an outrageous hour as he usually goes out for pints if he is off work 🍺📲He behaved himself and stayed in his apartment all weekend 😮Also he wasnt on Viber or Whatsapp much which is strange🤔.Keith finally emerged this evening as I saw him drive off.I for sure thought Keith was going on a date by what he was wearing (nice shirt,a nice jumper over it and nice formal trousers).I was upset with the thought he was going on a date but I am the one who has decided to not see him anymore as its too hard knowing I’ll have to leave in a few weeks so I have no right to be upset if he is moving on💔

He came back about 15 minutes later alone and with a shopping bag.I literally continuously peeked out the window waiting to see when he came back and I am sure he caught me 😂Keith wasn’t long home when I heard him leave his apartment again (the walls are very thin in our apartments 😂)Again I was sure this time he must be heading out to meet a woman.

I had arranged for my ex-boyfriend William to come around for a cup of tea and a chat🍵.He has been going through a rough time lately.William was due to arrive at 9pm but as usual was late⏲.I saw his car pull up at 9:30pm.I was in my pj’s looking like shit but didnt care as I thought no one would see me when I went down to open the apartment block door💩.

Just as I was about to head down the hallway stairs of the apartment block I heard the apartment block front door screech open.I peeked over the stairwell to see who it was and of course it was Keith 😝He had caught me looking so I had no choice but to go down the stairs past him or else he would think I was just creeping on him.

As we met on the stairs I looked at him and just said “Hello”.Keith looked at me and just laughed 😂(I was wearing a Harry Potter dressing gown,no bra,a strap top with swear words on it,fluffy pj bottoms,socks and my hair was messy and greasy)Total nightmare.I jokingly said “Fuck off you”and continued on😋.Keith stood at the stairs talking down to me.He asked “What are you doing?”and I said “Letting someone in the door”.He asked me another question but I didn’t hear him as the apartment block door screeched open so I could let William in.Keith hadn’t been out or brought a random woman home like the conclusion I always jump too.He has been behaving himself so maybe he has been telling the truth all along that even though we’re not officially seeing each other again that doesnt mean he is looking for other women either 😀

I waited to hear Keith enter his apartment but he didnt for a few minutes.No doubt curious as to who I was meeting 😂William was taking a while so I closed the apartment block door to step out onto the pavement to see what he was doing in the car🚗.I rang him and William explained that he was waiting to make sure Keith was gone before coming in as he didn’t want to bump into him.William and Keith hate each other so I’ll be getting quizzed as to why William was here and why he stayed nearly 3 hours etc.

William and I spent hours talking and I tried to advise him the best I could.We have arranged to meet up for lunch tomorrow.After William left I headed straight to bed to chill out and its time for some beauty sleep.

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

Lidl Bit of Hope

Hey gals and guys 😁,

I’m a bit emotional today!It was my last ever day in Lidl.

My day started off very early.4am to be exact😫.A few of us from Lidl signed up for the charity walk ‘Darkness Into Light’ to raise money and awareness for suicide and self-harm pervention.I am not a morning person at all but it was totally worth it for such a good cause.We called our team ‘Lidl Bit of Hope’.Mental health is an issue I am passionate about and as someone who suffers from depression and anxiety it was great to see the turnout.Its shows that the stigma is slowly being removed around mental health.

I done the 5K walk alongside Grainne,Claire and Katarina.We had such a laugh 😂200,000 across Ireland participated in the walk.Thankfully it was a beautiful morning as the sun rose at around 4:45am.We took a few selfies as the view was amazing 🏞

After the walk we took a short outdoor yoga class.None of us were particularly good at it but it was fun 😊We talked to a few of the other volunteers in the hall were we got a cup of tea.We signed our names on the charity banner too.

Claire had to head off as she was working at 7:30am 😮Grainne,Katarina and I headed to a restaurant called ‘The Galleon’ for some scrambled eggs and bacon 🥓🥚Just what we needed along with another 3 cups of tea 🍵

Katarina headed home after as she needed to get some sleep before work.Grainne gave me a lift home from Salthill which was a dream so I got to say goodbye to her as it was my last time seeing her while I was still employed in Lidl 😋

As soon as I got in the door I went straight back to bed and fell asleep 😴I didnt feel tired but it was a good and deep sleep.I woke up at around 12:30pm and watched tv for a while.Then I got a shower and got ready for my last ever day in Lidl.

Getting into work was a pain the ass.Ed Sheeran is playing concerts all weekend in Galway so the town was packed with people and traffic 🎸🎤I’d love to go to be honest.I got asked to go by Dylan and I said yes until he then snapchatted me asking if I wanted to hook up.Eh no thanks.

I was working from 6:30pm-11pm so my last day was a short one.I was delighted because both Ellen and Chris were working with me on my last day 😃My two work besties.Chris got a little emotional too which was unexpected but lovely 😂The team bought me a card and a cake which made me tear up a bit.It was so thoughtful 😍

I know I complained about the job alot and I did hate it but I will miss the people I worked with immensely.They were there supporting me through the good and bad these last two years.I have made some friends for life too.I’ll always have great memories from my time in Lidl 936.Its true what they say its where you work,its the people who you work with.So thank you team 936 Lidl for everything 😀

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

Letting Go or Running Away?

Hey gals and guys 😁,

Its official!I signed the paperwork today📃.My last shift in Lidl is on Saturday.This is so scary😮.Its been the one constant in my life for the last two years.I have made life long friends working there😄.Its also exciting😆.I’ll have more free time and I can relax(a bit).

I also sent away the form and copy of my passport to obtain my visa for Australia🏖.Its so real now.I am actually moving to the other side of the world🌏Beginning a new adventure 😊Of course I am an emotional wreck leaving behind the people who have become like family to me here in Galway.Hardest of all leaving behind the love of my life 😍

Keith messaged me asking when he can see me again 😓I made up the excuse that I am busy packing for Australia and finishing up in Lidl so I wasn’t sure 🤥

I know many people don’t agree with my plan to stay away from him,to push him away and avoid saying a proper goodbye❣.He has just started trusting me enough not to break his heart to finally open up to me yet here I am avoiding him🤔

I can’t say goodbye to Keith🖤.I just can’t do it.The thought of it tears me up inside 😢He is my everything and I love him so much❤.Things between us have been better than ever so why not quit while were in a good place?

I am being a coward 😨He deserves a proper goodbye💑He deserves closure but I am afraid that saying goodbye could mean just until I return next year or forever.The fear of the unknown.At least by not seeing him anymore I can get used to it before I go to Australia✈.

Even if I were able to say a proper goodbye to him,how do I begin to tell him how much he means to me?!He made me embrace life again😀.How do I explain that to him?!How do I thank him for that.Yet on the flip side he has also broken my heart and trust so many times that apart of me thinks he deserves to be left with nothing but the realisation that I have gone without a goodbye💔

I have never had to face this situation before😕.I don’t know if I am running away from this or protecting myself?🤔.Distancing myself so that it won’t hurt as much when the day comes that I have to leave Keith.Its kills me catching glimpses of him going to and from work🚘I yearn for him to hold me and tell me that we’ll be together again soon but I know thats not something he can do because we don’t know what the future has in store.

All I know is that I want Keith to be happy,healthy,safe and to find love😄👰.If thats with me or not then I love him enough that I will learn to let go just like I did with Mark.

How long I can keep making excuses not to see him until he gets suspicious I am not certain😕Maybe I am being too ambitious in hoping that he’ll only realise it when I am already gone😥.I couldn’t sleep last night as I kept having panic attacks and all I wanted was him beside me.The thought of saying goodbye is unbearable.The thought of never seeing him again scares the hell out of me!🤤

At least here,I can watch from afar to know if he is safe.That he got home ok after a night out.That he hasn’t choked on his own vomit after drinking too much.That when he has a cold/flu he is taking the nescessary steps to relax and recover.That his mental state is ok when work/life gets him down.That he doesn’t say something he can’t take back during a rare heated arguement with his brother or friends.I balance him out or so I am told⚖.

In my mind by walking away now from him I am protecting and saving us both from the fallout of being in love and having to say goodbye👋.I always put him first but I know in this situation I am selfishly putting myself first.

No matter the outcome or what life has in store in the coming weeks,months and years,Keith will always have a place in my heart 😍💕I am so lucky to have fallen in love twice in my 28 years on this earth.I have experienced passion,happiness,peace,completeness but also hurt,heartbreak and hard-learned lessons.I’ll always appreciate both Keith and Mark for all of the memories (good and bad)that we created together.After all they will always be apart of me no matter where I am in this world and I know its the same for them 🌍

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

Mental Health #LetsTalk

Hey gals and guys,

As it mental health awareness week I thought I would write a blog about my own struggles.

I first noticed that something wasn’t right when I was 15 years old.I can’t quite describe it.It was as if I woke up one day and this dark mist took over in my mind.I began to feel sad,unloved,worthless and my self-esteem hit rock bottom.I had a great life so I couldn’t quite figure out why I felt this way.I tried to verbalise it to my mum but she dismissed it as being teenage hormones(which parents often do).I pushed these feelings to the side but started acting out in other ways.I was underage drinking,staying out until all hours and I noticed that boys found me quite alluring all of a sudden.I tried to find my self esteem in my first sexual relationship.

My parents thought I was just going through the usual teenage rebellion phase and I never made them none the wiser.I thought they would blame themselves for my problems.My little sister,Grace,was born on the 28th of October 2004.That day will forever stick out in my mind for one reason.As I visited and held my baby sister for the first time in the hospital I felt true love.I knew no matter how bad things got for me I had to be here to protect her.As I held this tiny human in my arms and she looked up at me with nothing but innocence in her eyes I swore I would do everything in my power to make life better for her.

I continued to struggle though.I thought if my own biological father (who had abandoned me at the age of 2 years old)couldn’t love me enough to be in my life then who could actually ever want me.After my relationship broke down I numbed myself with endless nights out in bars drinking and having meaningless sexual encounters (which led to me getting Chylmedia also),hoping the next guy would love me enough to stick around,but they never did.I wallowed in my sadness.

At 17 years I had to move schools as my current secondary school didn’t do entry exams for college/university.I wanted to go to the same school as my friends but my parents made me attend the school that achieved the top grades in these exams.I hated it at my new school.I was bullied by some teachers for being Catholic (I was one of the only four Catholics in a predominately Protestant school).I was failing my classes too as I began to skip lessons to spend time with my childhood sweetheart Mark who I had reconnected with.For a while I felt content.All my happiness rested in my relationship with Mark so when it became troubled and toxic,my insecurities were exacerbated.It didn’t matter what he did I would always forgive him even though my friends would try to make me see sense.

After I found out Mark has kissed another person one time I made a decision that still haunts me to this day.One that will have an effect on me for the rest of my life.I attended a house party in my friend’s house and a few of the boys from my old high school were there.There was a boy there who I had a brief 6 month fling with (non-sexual as we were 14 years old).We had remained friends throughout high school but had lost touch when I moved schools so it was nice to catch up.Heartbroken and pissed off at what Mark had done I stupidly got drunk.I don’t remember much but coming out of my friend’s bathroom and this old high school fling standing there after I opened the bathroom door.I thought he was waiting to go in but instead he asked me to come sit down on the bed in the bedroom next door so I did.I remember sitting on the bed and then slumping down.I must have blacked out because all I remember then is I was naked and he was on top of me having sex with me.I froze.I then remember seeing some light coming into the dark room and noticed the bedroom door was open.There was actually a group of boys watching this guy have sex with me and they were cheering him on.I must have blacked out again because the next thing I know I am downstairs on my friends sofa,fully clothed and cuddling Mark.I actually have a photo of me after it happened cuddling Mark on the sofa.I don’t remember giving consent but I was that drunk that I could have.I have never told my parents or friends this.I just blocked it out for a long time until I told William.He is the only person in my life that knows about it.I’m ashamed is the simple answer as to why I have never spoke up.

I haven’t dealt with it and I never will.Its just not something I want to remember so the longer is stays blocked in my memory the better.Just writing about it now is bringing tears to my eyes.As my relationship with Mark continued to deteriorate I began self-harming.I blamed myself for everything and the only release from the torment inside my body/mind was to cut myself.I began self-harming by slashing the soles of my feet because noone would see the scars there.I still have the scars to this day which is why I claim to hate feet.I wear socks all the time (even during sex 😂)Then when our relationship brokedown I began self-harming on my arms.I then shut myself off from the world.I stopped going out at all.I would spend all my time in my bedroom curled up in my duvet staring blankly at the tv.As months went by my mother became worried.Finally with William by my side I broke down and revealed to her the stash of pills I had been saving up to try take my own life.She hugged me so tight and promised she would get me help.

I went to the doctor who diagnosed me with depression and started me on medication.I began my relationship with William and little by little I improved but it was not to last.As my relationship with William became volitile and the domestic violence began I was hit with the weight of keeping my problems a secret again.I decided to seek councelling but I was not actually ready for the help.I was using it as a way to try vindicate myself in any of the wrongdoings in our relationship instead of actually speaking about my mental health.As the years went by I distanced myself from most of my friends.I again stopped going out unless William was there.I was afraid to go out on my own.I would get anxiety at the thought of leaving the house to go into town to do the shopping on my own even.William came everywhere with me.Then the actually panic attacks kicked in.I would wake up barely able to breath,tears would silently fall down my cheeks and I felt like I was dying.

William tried to fix my mental health problems by bringing me out with his friends more but then he would disappear to mingle forcing me to be on my own with strangers.This only made my anxiety worse.My relationship with William suffered enormously as I stopped communicating with him for fear he would force me into situations.We would argue all the time and it got to a point were we stopped spending time with each other.I realised I didnt love him but I felt trapped in the relationship as he had control of our finances etc.

Then my Dad had his road traffic accident and I hit the lowest point in my entire life but it was also what made me change my life for the better eventually.My mental health was in tatters during this time.I went into pure and utter shock.I literally stopped talking!I couldn’t physically get any words out except to ask the important questions every so often.I just sat silently with tears streaming down my face in the waiting room.When my sister arrived in Galway I had been given Xanax which snapped me out of the shock enough to function infront of her.Once I knew Dad wasn’t going to die I decided I was.I had made up my mind to take my own life.It was the only way I felt I could escape my relationship,my insecurties,my pain and the voices inside my head.I thought everyone would be better off without me.Grace was now grown up enough and wise beyond her years so she no longer needed me.

The night I decided I was going to take my own life as I detailed in the blog on my Dad’s accident is also the night my younger sister saved my life without knowing it.She is truly my guardian angel.After a late night visit to see Dad in the hospital(I had said my goodbye to him that night while he was in a coma)mam asked William and I to take Grace back to the apartment so she could go to bed.We brought her back and I climbed in beside her to read a chapter of Harry Potter to her.I told her not to worry,that Dad would get better.I told Grace how much I loved her before wishing her a goodnight.As I was about to get up to leave Grace said to me”Everything is going to be ok Shauna.I am here if you ever need to talk”.Those words hit me like a ton of bricks.

I don’t know why those few words woke me up out of what felt like a year’s long emotional nightmare but I am so thankful they did.I looked at Grace and the tears streamed down my face.She hugged me and I told her I would always be here if she ever needed to talk about anything.I had planned to hang myself that night but it became the night I started to face my problems head on.It was like a switch had been flipped in my head hearing those words from Grace.The urge to fight my demons became my number one priority.

I was finally ready for professional help.Lidl organised a counceller for me and opening up about my mental health fully to my family,friends and counceller felt like a weight had been lifted off of me.Day by day as I employed the techniques I was taught by my counceller I became stronger.I ended my relationship with William which changed me over night.I found my own voice again.I felt empowered making decisions for myself.I went out with friends regularly.I began to exercise which cleared my mind.It wasn’t long before I was deemed fit enough mentally to come off all medication for my mental illnesses.I finished up my councelling after 6 months.

Its coming up to a year since I came off my medication and stopped councelling.I have had a few times when things overwhelmed me especially when I was living with William when he refused to move out after our break-up.Instead of bottling it up I would ring my mother and tell her exactly what was going on.I think my mother seeing first hand my panic attacks while I was with her in the hospital as we waited on news of Dad helped her understand how badly I was suffering.I used to try to keep my mental health problems hidden from my parents out of fear they’d blame themselves or be ashamed of me which I now know is ridiculous.My mother and my friend Elaine have been my two biggest support systems these last two years as I dealt with depression and anxiety.

I am not going to say I am cured because unfortunately there is no cure for mental illness,only long-term treatment.Its disgraceful that in 2018 there is still a stigma of shame and guilt attached to mental illness which stops people from reaching out to talk to anyone about their struggles so instead they commit suicide.I still have panic attacks from time to time.My anxiety is high with finishing up in Lidl,leaving my family and friends to move to Australia but the hardest part in all this is leaving Keith.I have had two panic attacks today alone but I just stop what I am doing,sit down,breath in and out,I concentrate on one thing which helps me to focus and this in turn slows down my mind and returns my heart rate back to normal.Instead of holding back the tears I let my emotions flow unapologetically.

I am proud of all I have over come.I have a sense of self-love,self-worth and self-esteem but these are all things I still need to work on to get to were they should be.I want to be a role model for Grace to show her that mental illness does not make you weak but that its those who struggle with these issues on a daily basis that are brave.If this blog helps even one person then it’ll be worth laying my soul bare for anyone to see.

My co-workers and I will be doing a charity walk this Saturday with the organisation Pieta House called ‘Darkness into Light” to raise funds and awareness for suicide prevention and those suffering with mental health issues.If you feel like donating please search the internet for the “Darkness into Light” charity walk.Our team is called “Lidl bit of Hope”if you would like to donate and I have also attached a link below.Remember its ok not to be ok and lets keep talking about mental health.

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Link below for “Darkness into Light” charity walk:

https://dil2018.pieta.ie/fundraisers/shaunaperrin/galway-city

Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

The Last Goodbye?

Hey gals and guys,

Hope you all had a lovely long weekend for the bank holiday 😎The weather here was so beautiful and despite being in work I managed to get sunburnt as our store front is all glass so the sun/heat was shining in on us😎One of my managers actually described my face as red as a pepper 😂It’s my final few days working for Lidl and the anxiety is really starting to kick up a notch😣

Last night I didn’t get much sleep because I kept having nightmares😫.It’s been a long time since I have had nightmares let alone ones that scared the shit out of me 😮The first nightmare I had was that I was on a ship going to Australia but for some reason we had to cross the Atlantic Ocean to get there🚢.As the night came the temperatures dropped and there was warnings being sent to the captain about icebergs but he ignored them (starting to sound familiar?!)🌊❄I was in my cabin having a “house party”(typical me!)when the ship hit an iceberg.We could hear the screeching as it tore through the side of the ship.We immediately went to the top deck but as we tried to get through the crowds had now started stampeding in the same direction in sheer panic😰.By the time my friends(who I didnt recognise in the nightmare)and I reached the top deck all the lifeboats had gone🚣.Suddenly we could feel the top half of the ship beginning to rise up out of the water as the bottom part began to sink.My friends and I were at the bottom so we ran to the top of the ship.We desperately tried to think of our best chance to get off the ship.We thought about jumping into the ocean and swimming to shore but we knew the freezing temperatures would kill us or we’d die from exhaustion trying to swim.

We decided to go into the cabin of one of my friends and hope that a ship would pass by and rescue us before our half of the ship began to sink.We sat in silence in the cabin for 20 minutes when we heard a crunching noise and we felt our half of the ship now hit the ocean with a crash.We slowly began to sink down but the water didn’t break the windows🤔.It was like we were in a submarine.I stared in utter shock at the marine life and how dark the ocean got the further we sank😲.When we finally hit the bottom of the ocean bed with a massive thud I could actually physically feel the panic in my stomach in reality.I can’t even begin to describe it😣.The feeling of being trapped and weighed down was unbearable😢.Strangely as time went by no water came into our cabin.It was like our cabin was sealed off but we knew it was only a matter of time before that could change⏳.We shouted for help even though we knew noone would hear us at the bottom of the ocean.We had limited rations in our cabin so we knew we could only survive a few days before we’d die of starvation.We decided the only way was getting out of the cabin and swimming to the surface but the chances of the water pressure drowning us,getting killed by marine life or exhaustion killing us first was very likely.Three people volunteered to try first and as I watched them try to swim to the surface the tears streamed down my face as I resigned myself to dying in the cabin😭.Then I woke up sweating😥.

I went back to sleep immediately but the same nightmare picked up where I left off.In that cabin crying my eyes out and having a panic attack😭😰😯The ocean water started to fill the cabin and I forced myself to wake up again.

It took me a while to get back to sleep again.When I did a new nightmare engulfed me😳.

I had quit Lidl and I was spending time with my friends in Galway before I was due to leave for Australia in a few weeks time🏖.I began feeling ill one morning but I didn’t think anything of it🤢🤒Then I was hit with extreme exhaustion😪.Then I noticed I had put on a bit of weight.After 2 weeks of this I thought I would take a pregnancy test on the slim chance that could be the reason for my symtoms.I laughed to myself that I was being overdramatic because I had used a condom when having sex with the musician (in reality)and Keith always cums on my boobs to avoid any chance of getting me pregnant(in reality too).I peed on the clearblue stick and waited for what felt like the longest two minutes of my life.When I looked at the test to my horror it was positive🙎.

I booked an appointment with my GP to get a test just to make sure I didn’t get a false positive.My GP took a blood and urine sample which both came back positive.I was pregnant🤰.I had a blank expression on my face as the GP then informed me I also have chylmedia😡After a few moments of silence I told the GP I didn’t know who the father was as I had recently slept with two different people(which I have in reality,my guilt of what happened with the musician taking over).Through tears and bewilderment I explained that I had used a condom with the musician and had only a little doubt that the condom broke but I had decided I was being silly so I didn’t get the morning after pill and also Keith never cums inside me so its not possible for the baby to be his.She tried to calm me down and reassured me we could find out who the father was by doing a scan.

As soon as I left the GP’s office I rang my friend Lisa📱.I cried down the phone as I said the words”Looks like Jamie is going to get a little friend.I’m pregnant and not going to Australia now😓😭😡”.She was super excited until I told her I didn’t want the baby but I couldn’t afford an abortion nor was I sure I could go through with one as this might be my only chance to have a baby as I was so convinced I was infertile(which I do believe is true but never medically confirmed).She suggested I go to Australia anyway,pretend I didn’t realise I was pregnant until a few weeks after I got there and fly back to Ireland before I have the baby to give birth.I told her I needed time to think first.When I hung up the phone I saw I had a message from Keith asking if I wanted to meet up for drinks later that evening and I replied”Yes”.I thought it would give me the chance to come clean about the musician and the pregnancy.

I got dressed up and I wore a loose fitting top to cover my small bump🤰.We went to ‘The Skeff’ and the musician happened to be playing a gig🎸🎙.We got a table near the stage and I didn’t even look at the musician but I could feel his eyes on me👀Keith asked what I wanted to drink and I said”Diet 7UP”.He looked at me weirdly and said”Diet 7UP?Why are you not drinking tonight?”and I made the excuse”I have to be up for work early in the morning”.He said”But you finished work you said”so I replied”Sorry so many things on my mind,I mean’t that I have an early appointment”.He quizzed me”For what?”so I told the truth and said”A doctor’s appointment”.Again he questioned me by asking”Why are you going to the doctor?”and I lied”Just getting some tests done”🤥Keith seemed somewhat satisfied with this answer and headed off to the bar🥛.He returned with my ‘Diet 7UP’ and he sat beside me to watch the musician’s gig.As the musician played ‘Take My Hand’ by Picture This (which he does in every gig in reality)he kept looking at me and it didn’t go un-noticed by Keith🤔.He commented”This musician is really good”and I agreed but I didn’t say a word.He then says”Do you know him because he keeps looking down at you?”and I deny having ever met the musician.Keith seems to think I am telling the truth as he put his hand on my leg but I get the feeling its more to test me and to see how the musician reacts.The musician sees this and begins strumming his guitar hard and its now obvious why but I play innocent😇.As the gig comes to an end and I see the musician has his back turned to pack up I say to Keith”I think I want to go home now.I am exhausted and not feeling well”.He asks what is wrong and I tell him I need to go to bed and get an early night😴🛌.We leave hand in hand and I can see the musician watching us go👫.

When we arrive back to our apartment block Keith asks me to stay in his apartment for the night but I tell him that I would rather be in my own bed when I am feeling unwell so he kisses me goodnight on the cheek and I head up to my own apartment😙I check my phone and see I have a snapchat from the musician asking who was the guy I was with tonight but I don’t reply📱

The next day I have a scan in the hospital to find out how far along into the pregnancy I am🏥🤰.The nurse tells me I am 12 weeks exactly.I break down as she congratulates me.I really don’t want this baby I tell her but its too late into the pregnancy for an abortion.She suggests adoption but I tell her I couldn’t go through giving birth and then try give up the baby to someone else as I knew I would love her as soon as I held her(the baby was a girl).I then told the nurse I now knew who the father was and it was Keith.I asked how its even possible as he never cums inside me and she tells me its possible I conceived from pre-ejaculate sperm (which can happen).

After the scan I ring Lisa and tell her  about it.She asks me how I think Keith is going to react and I said I am not going to tell him.I tell Lisa that I am just going to avoid him until he simply stops contacting me and moves on.She asks why and I explain that he won’t believe that he is the father and I’ll be left alone anyway so there is no point telling him.She encourages me to go to Australia if I am not going to tell Keith about the pregnancy✈.I tell her that I think I am going to go with her idea of going to Australia and pretend I find out I am pregnant while there.

A week goes by of me making excuses not to see Keith when he phones me or when he messages I tell him I am busy packing for Australia👝.My bump is visible if I wear tight clothing so I wear loose clothes all the time incase I bump into Keith🤰.The next week as I am walking out of my apartment I hear Keith calling after me but I pretend I don’t hear him🙉.I begin to walk at a fast pace and I can hear him running after me🏃.He stands in front of me so I try to side step him but he stretches out his arms to stop me🙌.He begs me”Please tell me what I have done wrong!Why are you ignoring me”.I tell him it doesnt matter why and I politely ask him to step aside.He takes me by the hands and says”Please talk to me”and as I look into his sad eyes I break down in tears and tell him”Keith I am pregnant and it’s yours”🤰😢😮.He drops my hands and looks confused as he says”You’re lying,it must be someone else’s”😓.I get angry now and yell”I knew this is exactly how you would react.Don’t worry,you don’t have to be involved in the baby’s life.I am going to Australia to have it so you can pretend it doesn’t exist”😠.He then asks me in bewilderment”How do you know its mine?”so I explain what the nurse told me about pre-cum and he looks at me with pure rage as he raises his voice to say”Thats bullshit”😡.I offer for him to come to a scan and ask the nurse himself but he says”Just stay the fuck away from me”😬.As he walks away I sit on the curb heartbroken,humilated and in floods of tears😭😳

A few days go by and I have to make the decision whether or not to go to Australia or face the wrath of my parents for fucking up my life by getting pregnant😨I am more leaning towards telling my parents the disappointing news.I make the preparations to send all my belongings back to Donegal as if I were still going to Australia.I decide I’ll tell them the devastating pregnancy news face to face.By now I have told everyone I am friends with in Galway about the pregnancy and Keith’s reaction🤰😦.They try to comfort me but all I keep saying through the tears is how much I don’t want this baby.As I leave my apartment to go for another scan,I hear Keith call my name.I stop in my tracks as he races up to me and asks”How many weeks are you?”.I ask him”What does it matter?”and he takes me by the hands and says”You are right to take this baby to Australia away from me.You knew how I would react”.He lets go of my hands and walks away with tears in his eyes.I decide to go to Australia and tell my parents when I am there by phone so I can pretend I only found out over there.

I woke up with tears in my eyes😢The nightmare felt so real😟I actually thought it was happening when I first woke up😞I had to sit and really think about it for a few seconds🤔Its so weird because all day I have been so upset about this nightmare☹Even though its a nightmare I can’t help this feeling of overwhelming sadness😦.In the back of my mind a tiny part of me is actually thinking I should take a pregnancy test😩.You read stories in magazines all the time about people having dreams and then they become reality soon after as if they’re getting a message from their subconscious or the great beyond.

The nightmare freaked me out so much that when Keith messaged me before work today asking could we meet up tonight I said”No I am working late”🤥.He said he didn’t mind so I told him I’d see how I felt after work but I had already made up my mind that I really couldn’t face seeing him😔.I was in too bad a mood.When I got home from work I messaged him to say that I was too exhausted and maybe another time.I know I am being stupid but I feel so depressed after those nightmares but particularly the baby one that I want to left alone.

I don’t know why but I feel like Keith is going to start pulling away from me emotionally again.Maybe thats what the nightmare was warning me about🤔He never messages he wants to meet up until right before he decides he is coming to see me anyway.Last time he began messaging me making formal arrangements to see eachother he began pulling away emotionally very quickly.I soon found out it was because he had began having sex with other women and was trying to hide it fron me (which he was useless at).He would only message me every few weeks to meet up for sex and then he would want me to leave his apartment straight after.We actually stopped talking apart from exchanging pleasantries before we had sex.This continued for a few months until one evening he asked me to come down to have sex and I was about to get up and leave when he asked if I wanted a beer and to play a racing game with him🎮🏍After the game he had some work to do so again I was going to leave but he said he would watch an episode of a tv show with me and thats how we began slowly fixing things between us over the last few months.

I can’t go through that again.Its going to be hard to say goodbye to him when I leave for Australia.I don’t think I can do it.I thinks its best I leave it as it is now while its good between us especially if he is going to start pulling away emotionally again.I can save myself the heartbreak by ripping off the bandaid now by avoiding him.If he messages asking to meet up I’ll make up an excuse.If he calls I’ll answer and make up an excuse.If he turns up at my door,you guessed it,I’ll make up an excuse.This way it gives me a few weeks to get used to him not being around before I go and hopefully it’ll make it easier for me to leave.No last goodbye.No tears.No hugs.Just knowing we had a good few months and were closer than ever before.I know Keith will be confused but its for the best.Its not out of guilt for what happened with the musician either.Just a realisation that sometimes love isn’t enough.I don’t know if its the right choice but its the choice I am sticking with for now anyway.It could change again but right now I just have this overwhelming feeling of needing to protect myself against any potential hurt or heartbreak Keith could bring.

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

 

Confirmed

Hey gals and guys 😁,

I finished work early this evening so I thought I would update you all now instead of Wednesday 😊I have had enough with Lidl 😠They have brought in all these new rules which are supposed to make the store run more efficiently but I swear they were designed to also piss off customers who in turn give out to the staff 😠My leaving date was supposed to be the 30th of May but I couldn’t bear another few weeks of that shit so I told them I am leaving on the 12th of May instead 😁It means I can relax and spend time with the people I love before going to Australia 😄

I was at home in Donegal for a week for my sister Grace’s confirmation📿.I can’t believe it!!!It feels like only yesterday she was being christened 💒Grace looked so beautiful and grown up.It was a good excuse to get most of the family together.I have so many extended family (uncles,aunts,cousins etc)that its rare we can all get together.I got to see Gerard (my “uncle” aka my Dad’s bestfriend/one of Grace’s godfather’s)which was great because I wouldn’t get a chance to see him before I leave for Australia.I got to catch up with my ‘Smuggler’s Creek’ family (restaurant and staff I used to work with in Rossnowlagh).We had Grace’s confirmation meal there and had the sesh after🍝🍺.It was also my cousin Terri’s 28th birthday that day so we got her a cake and sang “Happy Birthday” to her🎂.

After Grace’s confirmation meal we went back to our house where we had a sesh with my mam,my Dad,our family friend John and myself.I love John to bits,one of the funniet people I have ever met 😂Myself and Dad went to bed after midnight as we were exhausted but Mam and John stayed up until the wee hours 🍺I basically just spent the week at home relaxing.The weather was fantastic too so I was outside sunning myself 😎

I left Donegal early Tuesday as I was due to meet Aoife and Lauren for dinner and to go to the cinema to see ‘The Avenger’s:Infinity War’🍝🍿🎬.I won’t spoil it for anyone but hands down the best movie I have seen in a long time!I love hanging out with Aoife and Lauren so much😄.They are without doubt two of the best people I know 👍I got a lift home with Lauren too so saved money on the bus fare 😊

When I got back to my apartment I unpacked,checked to see if Keith’s car was parked outside and then decided to watch some ‘Gotham’on Netflix.At about 10:25pm I got a message from Keith asking where I was?I replied back that I was in my room and watching tv.He must have been watching out for me to see when I was back from Donegal👀.I always leave my blinds open during the day so they were open the whole time I was in Donegal but that evening I came back from the cinema I closed them.He never once text me when I was in Donegal but the evening I came home he messages me therefore he obviously checks my bedroom window still 😂He messaged asking could he join me so I of course said yes💏.

When Keith came to my apartment he climbed into bed beside me 🛏.I asked him how he was and what he had been up to when I was away.He said he was just back home at his parents for the week as he had holidays from work🏡.He asked how I was doing and I told him I was good.I was a little annoyed that he took no interest in what I got up too in the week I was away though 😒Keith asked what I was watching so I explained the basics of the show ‘Gotham’ with him.He was texting on his phone so I took a look at his screen to see who he was texting and it was his mam(total mama’s boy😂).Then he started asking me questions about my apartment.Things like “When are you moving out?”,”How much rent are you paying?”,”How big is the spare room?”(only room he has never been in as there was always someone there)🤔.I knew exactly why he was asking.The landlord is no longer selling his apartment but the place is covered in mould (bathroom and his brother’s bedroom mainly).His brother and himself want to move out but his brother doesnt want to move to far so to Keith its the perfect solution to just move up into my apartment.

All these questions pissed me off though 😠I was only back from Donegal,we hadn’t seen or talked to eachother in a week and I felt like he was trying to get me moved out of my own apartment as soon as possible so he could move in😮.I am not keen on the idea either because I dont want him having sex with another woman in my apartment when I am in Australia😭.I know it wont be my apartment anymore technically and its totally crazy to feel this way but it creeps me out🤢!I think he could tell by my tone of voice and facial expressions I was not pleased either!😳He tried to lighten the mood by joking”If you put in a good word with the rental company for us then when you come to Galway there will be a bed for you stay in but only if you help us get the apartment,thats the deal 😋”.I didn’t find this one bit amusing at all 😐Maybe I was overreacting?🤔He set his alarm for work in the morning and we cuddled up to watch the rest of the episode of ‘Gotham’.Keith liked it so much he has decided to start watching it himself.

I asked him if he had been to see the new Avengers movie yet but apparently he doesn’t like going to the cinema (weirdo😋).I told him he has to see it as soon as possible.I asked him who his favourite avenger was before adding I think he would be a ‘Captain America’ fan (I was wrong).He gave me a hint and said”I like the one who could actually happen in real life”and I got it straight away,Iron Man.Then he made fun of me by saying”You don’t know me at all if you had to ask😋”.Truth be told I don’t know him aswell as I should as he is very guarded with what he tells people.Its only the last two months (I have been seeing him on and off for over a year keep in mind)that he has opened up to me😯.I have always wanted him to open up more and god knows I have been patient waiting on the information he has told me so far 😂

While I was back in Donegal the musician started snapchatting me😏.He asked if I wanted to meet for a drink after his gig on the Tuesday night I was back but as you can tell from above he had to cancel as he had to stay in Dublin another night to do some extra college work.We agreed to hang out the next night (Wednesday)instead😃.On Wednesday he snapped me to say he’d call over to my apartment at 10pm.On his journey home he kept snapping me and being flirty 😉I didn’t think much of it because he is always flirty with everyone.When he got here we chatted for a while.The sparks were flying 😉😂As he edged closer towards me I could see he was shaking so I asked him if he was cold and he said”No”.Instead he kissed me 😘Now I was nervous!😆I began kissing him back (why?oh why?)One thing led to another and we ended up having sex!🙈🙊

Halfway through I felt so guilty!Things are great with Keith right now.I know we aren’t official so I wasn’t doing anything wrong but I know it will hurt him.I love him with all my heart and having sex with the musician was a huge mistake!!!After I had sex with the musician we talked for ages about our families and our plans for going travelling (he is going to New York in 2019).Talking with the musician is so easy and we are so open with eachother😀.He is so hot too😉😍I could see us having a relationship if I wasn’t in love with Keith and if he wasnt so busy with college and his music.The musician left just before midnight as he had to get a bus back to Dublin the next morning and thank god he did.😥

An hour after he left Keith pulled up outside my apartment in his car.I had seen him going out earlier and he was dressed up (kind of).As always the assumptions,suspicions,and crazy thoughts bubbled to the surface that he was going out to meet another woman😭😬I got angry and thats why I ended up having sex with the musician.When he pulled up he stayed in his car for about 10 minutes with the lights on🚘I thought be might have been followed by a woman so I stayed peeking out through a gap in my blinds to see but noone showed up.Then he messaged me asking if he could come up to my apartment😮.

I answered the door and he laughed his head off🤣I was wearing glasses and it was his first time seeing me with them on🤓.I’ll never be wearing them around him again thats for sure.Keith got undressed and got into my bed.As I began getting undressed he asked me”Where were you tonight?”I told a lie and said I was out with a friend🤥.He then asked”Were you out looking for fun tonight?”(meaning was I out looking for a man to have sex with)and I replied”No why?”.Keith then said”Look at the underwear your wearing”(It was a lacy black thong and matching padded push up bra).I told him I wasnt looking for fun tonight and then he said”Good because we are not having fun tonight”which I was happy about considering what I had just done a couple of hours before hand🙈🙉🙊

When I got into bed I could see he was texting someone and I asked him who but he wouldnt tell me📱.I couldn’t help but laugh as he was drunk texting with one eye open trying to concentrate📱🤣.I saw him point the phone at me and I asked me what he was doing but all he said was “Nevermind”.I looked at his screen and seen he had sent a picture of me to someone he was messaging on Whatsapp.I really want to know who!🤔Then he asked me if I was angry with him and I answered no.I don’t know why he thought I was.

The conversation soon turned from us goofing around and taking the piss out of each other to arguing.Out of nowhere Keith said”I am so pissed off you are going to Australia”😠.I got frustrated and replied”And whose fault is it that I am going?You have noone to blame but yourself.I am going to get over you😠”That did not go down well at all but its the truth.He then asked me”Will you keep in contact with me?”.I said”That is entirely up to you”.He raised his voice at me”How is it up to me?Shut the fuck up!”.I replied”I want to stay in contact but its up to you to contact me”.I have decided I won’t contact Keith while I am in Australia unless he contacts me.

I outlined again all my frustrations about his spree of shagging other women (hypocrite of the century considering I just had sex with the musician!😞😢😰)He told me”I already told you I don’t do that anymore”angrily(which I dont believe).I explained I don’t think I will ever trust him fully again after he broke my heart💔I told him I think,to him,this is all one big game and I am sick of being lied to and used.Then he came out with a statement which shocked me”You plan everything.You think I don’t know but I do.It works too.Your planning.”So what I gather from that is he means when I plan to accidentally “bump” into him on my way out of the apartment block or going to the bin shed at the same time.

I got all mushy then and just said”I love you”😍❤.He got annoyed with that”Love?You love me?”he exclaimed”How do you know you love me?”.Instead of giving the real reasons I got scared and a bit bitchy by saying”I know I love you because I wouldn’t let anyone treat me like shit and still be nice to them like I do with you”(in matter of fact I have done this in every relationship).He asked”How do I treat you like shit?” and I again listed the lies and the shagging loads of women😖Keith then said”Look I was with a woman for 7 years,I loved her and we planned to get married👰🤵❤💍Look where that ended up.I don’t believe in love anymore”.My heart broke and I just wanted to make it all better for him while also feeling enormous guilt for having had sex with the musician.

I asked Keith”So am I to be punished for what happened with her?Do you think I’ll be the same as her?Do you not want to fall in love,get married and have kids someday?💍❤👰🤵”to which he replied”I do want to get married and have kids”👰🤵🤰💍.Confused I asked him”How do you plan to do that if you dont believe in love?”Again I got an answer that nearly brought me to tears but also angered me”I can fake it”.It didnt hurt me because of my own want to be his wife some day but because even if I am not the one I want him to find love and be happy.I explained that faking it wont work and he asked me to list people I knew who were married and actually in love.Of course I said my parents and he asked”How do you know they are in love?”and I replied”After all they have been through these last few years,it would have been easier to walk away if they weren’t in love”.It got me wondering so I asked him”What about your own parents?Do you not think they are still in love?”.Keith paused for a second to think and then said”I think its easier for them to stay together just”.

By now I was exhausted and felt like we were getting nowhere with this arguement.I lay down facing him and put my arms around him but he snapped at me”You don’t have to be all over me”to which I said”Calm down,I’m not,I just want to cuddle”.He then said”I am going to sleep😪😴”so I didnt bother answering back.I couldn’t get to sleep.I had so much on my mind.Between trying to process what happened with the musician earlier and now this arguement full of revelations with Keith I was hyped up with anger and frustration.

I told my friend Ellen what happened over a few drinks at “The Bunch of Grapes” bar on Friday night.She advised me not to tell Keith what happened with the musician as this is the most progress we have ever made learning to open up and be vunerable with each other.She said if I told him the truth it would destroy us and she is right.She pointed out that we are not in a relationship so I haven’t done anything wrong.To me though it feels like I have cheated on Keith because as far as I was concerned we had decided not to be official but not to see other people.Yet as Ellen pointed out,I have strong suspicions he has been seeing other women,gut instincts are never wrong when it comes to these things and if he is seeing other women then obviously he is also lying to me🤥

I wish I could take back having sex with the musician but I cant.I am not going to tell Keith😕Its not worth risking what we could build upon in the future.I just want to enjoy my last few weeks here in Galway.I know I will see the musician again as we have planned to meet up for drinks before I leave for Australia but thats all it will be.Drinks and flanter (flirty banter😜).I started the visa process for Australia so hopefully it wont take to long as I want to be in Australia by the end of June.I am so excited one minute and then the anxiety kicks in but I know it will be great.

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗