Quick Note

Hey gals and guys 😁,

Sorry I have been MIA the last week or more.I have been super busy!!!Alot has happened.I just wanted to write a quick note to say I will be back on Wednesday with a new blog so keep an eye out.Hope you are all doing good 😁

Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

I Will Wait

Hey gals and guys,

So after three days back at work I am off again for a week😁.My younger sister is making her confirmation so I am going home to Donegal for it.I can’t wait to see my family 😁I haven’t seen them since my birthday in January 😯.

Keith is back to his usual self thankfully😄.I don’t know why he goes through these random phases of being distant🤔.I suppose everyone needs time and space alone.He went out for a few drinks on Tuesday night and rang me at 2:40am telling me he was on his way home🍻.He asked if I was mad at him for being drunk but I wasn’t.I was just happy he was in a good mood 😊When he got back he came straight up to my apartment🏡.I was watching tv and trying to fall asleep (I usually fall asleep with the tv on)😪.Keith noticed I was watching ‘Friends’ and he couldn’t believe I liked it.He isn’t a fan because apparently he doesn’t need to watch that “fake shit” when he is living it in real life 😂(I love his drunk ramblings)

Keith lay at the end of my bed and we started talking but I could tell something was bothering him🤔.He was very fidgety and couldn’t stay still.One minute he’d be lying on my bed,then he’d stand for a few minutes and then he’d kneel at the end of my bed.He’d start a sentence and then stop mid-way saying”I can’t ask you,you have your flights booked and everything sorted”.I kept begging him to ask me what he wanted to anyway but then he would look at me intently and say”I will wait for you,I will be here waiting for you”.

He told me that I am right to leave and go to Australia.Then he expressed how unhappy he is in Galway so yet again I advised him to leave if that was the case but he told me he couldn’t yet.Keith got up from kneeling on the floor and sat at the edge of my bed up the top beside me.He cupped my face and kissed me 😙I couldn’t help but smile 😄We cuddled for a bit and then he finally climbed in bed beside me🛏.It was so strange as this is the first time in nearly a year he slept over in my apartment.He used to refuse and I think its because I lived there with my ex-boyfriend William.It made Keith uncomfortable 😕

We cuddled up to eachother and continued talking.Keith opened up like never before 😊He talked about his childhood a bit and how happy it was.He wants to raise his kids in his hometown (which I am more than happy to do,I have been back to his parents house there and liked it).His job offered him a payrise (so he was out celebrating that night) and we talked about our past relationships a bit.I understand now why he has always been so reluctant to commit to me and its going to take time which we have plenty of while I go off travelling✈.As always though when we talk about our past relationships,the jealousy creeps in (stupidly)and we started arguing😡.

The arguement started when he said”I can’t believe you let some little geeky motherfucker have sex with you”(he was talking about Craig who I was seeing for a few weeks while Keith and I were not talking).I got frustrated and snapped back”Thats one guy compared to the amount of dirty bitches you stuck your dick into over the last few months”😠He argued that was different because there was no feelings involved but there was with myself and Craig (I wouldn’t say feelings though,I liked him but it was never serious).I personally don’t see how its different😕.We both had sex with other people thats the bottom line.He informed me that Craig clearly was using me as he was nowhere to be seen anymore.Keith then said I am too good for guys like Craig which was sweet😀.I finally told Keith how badly he broke my heart and trust when he began having sex with other women💔.I think I got it through to him how much he hurt me because he told me”I have been so badly hurt in the past by my ex that I am afraid of falling in love.I have been testing you and I still do because I want to know it won’t happen to me again”.I appreciated his honesty more than he could ever understand.

He rubbed my head and told me that he wanted me to know that I can rely on him and that he wanted to be the only person I rely on but I am not at the point where I feel like I can rely on him.I explained that I rely on my friends and family as I feel like he is only with me when it suits him.I opened up to him about being sick the other week and Keith was genuinely hurt that I had kept it from him☹.He got angry when I told him about Lidl and he said”You are my woman and this is going to stop.No more people are going to take advantage of you”.

I decided now was the time to be totally honest with Keith,get all feelings and frustrations out in the open.I truely believe he cares about me but I am not 100% sure he loves me😐.He only told me he loved me for the first time about a month ago despite us seeing each other on and off for a year (he did tell me he was falling in love with me this time last year but it was never mentioned again.)Keith was stunned when I said to him”You’re not in love with me”.He looked at me exasperated and replied”Of course I am in love with you!How could I not be?You are gorgeous,way too nice,kind,caring,you’re always there for me and you make me smile.You are one of the most important people in my life”😍.I asked him”Then why am I not good enough to commit to?Why did you have sex with all those other women”Again he looked shocked and devastated when he replied”Is that what you really think?That you’re not good enough?I’m sorry baby,I’m just not the type of guy to show how I feel or even say it sometimes”.He gave me the biggest hug to comfort me.

I then told Keith about William’s visit the night before.He got angry.”What did that dickhead want?”he fumed to which I replied that William had come over to collect some stuff I found that he had left behind.Keith asked if William had said anything about him and I gave it to him straight that William had warned me that Keith is a bad person (thats putting it nicely).He asked what my reply was and I said”I told him that you had problems but I love you and that I didnt want to discuss it any further”.He then said”You didn’t deserve what he put you through and I don’t see why a woman like you ever went near a guy like that!”.I didn’t reply as I try to keep the two separate.I only informed Keith of William’s visit so there was no secrecy but I didnt want to go into details.

By now I wasn’t getting the straight answers I felt I needed from Keith in regards to our future.I had expressed that when I came back from Australia I want to get married and have children right away but we both kept it vague👰🤵🤰.We didnt say we wanted that with eachother.The lack of trust it seems on both sides kept us from saying it.I turned away from him to watch the tv.After a few moments of silence,he asked me to turn around again.I turned to face him and he asked me”Are you on the pill?”and I said”No,why?”to which he replied very seriously”Lets try have a baby right now”🤰.I was taken aback and exclaimed”We can’t have a baby right now!I’m going to Australia and you don’t mean it”.Keith said”Yes I do.I just want to have a baby” and I told him to stop talking shit.

There was another pause and I thought he had gone to sleep but suddenly he spoke and said”I want you to know I respect you.That its not just about sex with you.Do you want to meet my parents tomorrow?”.Wow,this was huge.I was so happy he was asking but I had work the next day so I asked him could we do it another time.Keith said to ring in sick but I explained I couldn’t due to being off on medical leave for the previous week.I think I blew my one chance of meeting his parents because he got pissed off and said”See I make this big effort and it gets thrown back in my face”.I tried to make him see it wasn’t a rejection but he seemed to think it was no matter how much I explained I just wanted to rearrange for a day that I wasnt working.

I apologised for having had a fling with Craig and any other hurt I had caused him.I just wanted to go to sleep and stop the bickering.He never apologised because he fell fast asleep mid conversation.I kissed him on the cheek and went to sleep.The next morning Keith woke me up by rubbing my back and pushing his hard penis against my ass 😂I hadn’t slept very well so I didnt even put any effort in to be honest.I done the bare minimum so it was no wonder he didn’t cum but then again either did I.It was probably one of the worst times we have had sex.We went back to sleep and woke up an hour later.

As is the usual routine we both checked our social media.Keith always used to turn his phone screen away from me so I couldn’t see but this time he showed me a message from a woman he got wishing him a happy birthday and he was confused as his birthday isn’t for a few weeks.As he deleted his snaps from the night out I could just see a long list of women on his snap chat friends.Only names I remember are Courtney,Rebecca and Sarah.Again he wasn’t trying to hide his phone screen as normal so I am not sure what to think.I checked my snapchat and I was viewing Mark’s (my first love)story.Keith(unbeknownst to me)was watching the snap over my shoulder and asked who it was so I briefly explained about Mark.Keith couldn’t understand why I would still be friends with an ex.I couldn’t believe he wasn’t friends with any of his.We agreed to disagree on the whole being friends with an ex issue.

Keith got dressed not long after and went back to his own apartment.Half an hour later I saw him get in his car and leave.He hadn’t been back to his own apartment since then (I am going to assume he is back at his parents house)

I went to work a few hours later.After work Chris,Liam,Ellen and I decided to go for a few drinks which was really fun.We went to a pub I had never been too so thats another one crossed off the list.Chris and Liam left at around 1am but myself and Ellen had got the buzz for the sesh so we went to another pub where we met up with Bruce and some of his co-workers/friends.We had a great night 😁I texted Keith giving out he wasn’t home to look after me when I am drunk (so much for me being able to rely on him).My pillows smelt of his aftershave though and I slept like a baby sniffing them 😂

I am back home in Ballyshannon for a week for my younger sister’s confirmation and making arrangements for going to Australia.I have 5 weeks left in Galway.I am really freaking out now.My biggest worry is that I am making a mistake by leaving Keith.I know he wants me to go and he’ll be waiting for me but what if he resents me for leaving?

I am pure wrecked so I will love you and leave you here.

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

The First Cut is the Deepest

Hey gals and guys 😁,

Hope your week has got off to a good start.It was my first day back yesterday after being ill and it was not too bad 😏I was only working 12pm-4pm so it wasn’t as high stress as usual 😂Anyway as promised,I am going to blog about my first boyfriend,my first love,Mark.Its going to be another long one so grab a cup of tea and get comfy 😋

I first met Mark when I was just 12 years old.I had transferred from another school to St.Davog’s as the standard of teaching was far better.On my first day I remember being stood in front of the class and being introduced to everyone by the teacher Master Kelm.All the other pupils stared at me like I was a new shiny object or a prize to be won 😯I put on a front and smiled confidently😁.Master Kelm sat me with a group of girls whose job was to show me around and make me feel welcome.

At break time these girls brought me to a seating area where they explained the whose who of the school😎.The seating area was right beside the football pitch where all the boys would go at break time⚽.It soon came to my attention that I was in fact being recruited into the popular girl group.It was totally like a scene from the ‘Mean Girls’ movie 😂The group consisted of Laura,Aisling,Patrice,Tracy and Vanessa.I got along with these girls perfectly and they seemed to think I was this cool,older (I was only a year older)kid.They hung on my every word and followed me around.

At the end of my first day my parents were due to collect me but as we lived in another town which was 10 minutes away I had to wait around⏳.My new group of friends lived right across from the school so stayed with me except Vanessa who went straight home.As we stood chatting Patrice asks me “So…did you see any boys you fancy?😉”to which I replied”Not really😕”.This answer was not satisfactory as Patrice informed me”Not really means there was someone😜.Nearly everyone has a boyfriend.Just tell us or shows us and we will ask him out for you”.I seriously hadn’t spotted any guy but I knew they were not going to drop it and I wanted to fit in so I had a quick look around.I pointed to a blondey brown haired small boy with a cheeky grin👱.I thought if I had to have a boyfriend he was the best out of a bad lot🤔.The group of girls started giggling hysterically which left me confused until Aisling finally told me”That’s Laura’s twin brother Mark”.They seemed eager to impress me so Patrice said”We’ll talk to Mark and see what he says”.I didnt really care what he had to say but off they went to seek out this boy.

My parents finally showed up and I was relieved to have got my first day over😥.It was by no means the worst first day to have had but it was alot to take in.The next day as I walked into class Laura,Patrice,Aisling and Tracy came running up to me excitedly.Aisling said”So…we talked to Mark yesterday after you left and he thinks you are cute too😉.Do you want us to ask him out for you?👫”I was so embrassed but also excited that a boy thought I was cute.I was full of bravado so said coolly”Yeah suppose so”.They hurried off and class began.I could feel the eyes of the group of popular boys on me as they huddled around Mark giving advice and the sounds of the group of popular girls making plans for Mark and I to have our first meeting.In the canteen at lunch I was joined by Laura,Aisling,Patrice and Tracy.I noticed Vanessa sitting with Mark.She was talking to him but he kept looking over at me.I wasn’t listening at first what they were saying to me but then Patrice tapped my shoulder to get my attention and she said”Did you hear what I said?Mark wants to know will you meet him after school on Friday?You can say you are coming to one of our houses for a few hours after school”.It looked like I had no choice in the matter anyway so I just agreed to their plan.

The few days leading up to this meeting the school was buzzing with gossip about Mark and I😝.So much so that the popular groups in the year above mine got involved.They introduced themselves to me and from that moment on the groups of popular kids from the year above and ours hung out.I’m not sure what was happening!Friday came very quickly and my nerves were shot as 3pm rolled around.I had told my parents to come collect me at 5pm from Patrice’s house as planned.There was a back lane from the school leading onto the other side of town which had overhanging trees.I was instructed to meet Mark in the middle of that lane straight after school.

When the final bell went I seen Mark hand his school bag to Laura to take home.He looked over at me nervously and then walked out of the classroom.Patrice told me she would look after my school bag and to meet them after at the seating area beside the football pitch where they would be waiting (no mobile phones back then😂)As I headed off to the lane I seen the girls head off with the group of popular boys in our year (Mark’s friend’s Joey,Sean and Paul)and two of the popular kids from the year above (Nicole and Massey who were the “it”couple of the above year).

I got three quarters down the lane when I came face to face with Mark properly for the first time😮.It was not love at first sight or even like at first sight🤣.He talked first”Hi I’m Mark” so I introduced myself.He then said”Patrice,Laura and Aisling said you like me and want to kiss me”to which I just simply replied”Yes” so he asked me”Will you kiss me?”.I was so scared.My heart was racing as Mark nervously came closer to me.He put his arms around me so I done the same and you could tell we both just wanted to get it out of the way.Thankfully there was no awkward incidents of banging teeth or someone’s head going in for the kiss at the wrong direction.We gave eachother a innocent peck on the lips😚.When it was done we kind of just stood there in silence for a few minutes.I said we should go find the others (as I knew they were literally waiting on the edge of their seats to hear what had happened😂).As we started to walk back up the lane Mark held my hand👫.When we neared the school again we could hear giggling and whispers of “Sshh here they come”so it turns out I had a hidden audience for my first kiss ever 😳All the boys patted Mark on the back and giving him cheers of “Good on ya Mark”and I could overhear them asking questions such as”What was it like?Is she a good kisser?Did ye use tongue?”and the girls approached me excitedly with similar questions😂.

Once all questions had been answered in our seperate groups Mark and I were marched over to eachother.I can’t remember who asked but as Mark stood there sheepishly someone asked me out loud”Mark wants to know will you be his girlfriend?”I had never been anyone’s girlfriend before and he was the most popular boy in my year so I said”Yes we are boyfriend and girlfriend💑”.The next day at school it was like I had become a celebrity overnight.Everyone wanted to be my friend,to be seen with me,to hear about me and know every detail about me.Mark and I were the new “it”couple not only of our year but our school😶.It was all anyone could talk about especially since I found out that evening after we had our first kiss Mark went home and broke up with his girlfriend to be with me.That girlfriend turned out to be Vanessa but she didn’t seem to care.At 12 years old you dont get heartbroken I suppose😏.

As part of the “it”couple of the school I somehow automatically became the leader of the popular female kids in and Mark was already the leader of the popular boys.I would spend every Saturday at one of the girl’s houses so I could spend time with Mark.A typical Saturday consisted of me getting dropped off at one of their houses,we’d have a girly catch up on all the school gossip(by this time another girl had joined our group now called Emer who was dating Mark’s bestfriend and the second most popular boy in our year Joey).Mark would head out to meet the lads for a game of football at the school pitch so after a while we would go to the seating area to admire the boys and gossip.Then the boys would come to the seating area when the game was over and hang out.After a while Mark and I would head off for a walk to a secluded area as would Joey and Emer for some alone time which involved lots of kissing with tongue now haha😘.Then that evening youth club would be on (there would be games nights or discos).

It wasn’t long until my parents figured out that I had my first boyfriend and they done their best to keep the relationship very pg,for example,Mark and I wanted to go on a date to the swimming pool🏊.Usually parents dropped their kids there and came back in an hour but not my Dad.He stayed in the spectators gallery and when driving Mark home afterwards he wouldn’t let us sit in the backseat together.I was made ride up front with my Dad (so cringe).They were livid when they were called one evening to come collect me from youth club because Mark and I had been caught making out but not only that we were passing sweets to eachother using only our mouths (way to sexual at our age!)Of course this was the equivalent of tabloid fodder and it spread like wild fire at school.My parents were called to the school as my behaviour with Mark (holding hands in school,kissing behind trees or classrooms during school hours)was influencing other kids to do the same (Emer and Joey,Nicole and Massey)so my parents tried to break us up but we just got better at hiding our relationship from the adults.

Looking back it wasnt much of a relationship but first boyfriend’s usually arent.We just met to make out,made small talk and then went back to hanging out with our friends😂.Mark and I barely knew eachother in all honesty.I wasn’t even in love with Mark at all during that time.Yet I always had a place in my heart for him because he was my first boyfriend,my first kiss,he gave me my first Valentine’s day card and present,first boy I hugged,first boy I cuddled and we had alot of other firsts together (nothing sexual first time round)We dated for 9 months before I broke up with him😔.Mark didn’t date anyone again until he went to secondary school.I moved onto my next boyfriend while in my final year of primary school,one of Mark’s good friend’s Sean.Sean was not good-looking whatsoever but won me over with charm and humour.What was different too was that we were also friends.We hungout alot instead of just meeting up to make out 😂To this day Sean is still one of the funniest people I know🤣.Little did I know that my dating Sean would spark a love triangle years later.

I started my new secondary school in September 2002.I wasn’t nervous as I was going to the same school as all my friends.Mark and Joey however ended up going to a different secondary school.Sean and I split up after a year of dating a few days after we started secondary school but remained good friends😅.Secondary school opened my eyes and I quickly stopped hanging out with popular girls from my primary school as they were bullying people.I am not proud but I joined in at first bullying the fat kids,the emo kids etc.I made a new group of friends(some of whom are still my closest friends to this present day) in my second year of secondary school,the so-called geeks (consisting of Emma,Aisling S,Vanessa G,Helena,Sarah,Aisling G,Paula and Sinead)who despite being bullied by me forgave and excepted myself and Vanessa with open arms.We kept to ourselves yet the most popular boy in our year took a real liking to me😉.I was never short of male attention and even though I hung out with what was considered the “geeky”gang I was still considered the most popular girl in our year which is why my former group of friends hated me even more😬.They thought I would be nothing without them.

As the years went by I lost touch with Mark but I always kept the first present he ever bought me and I still have it to this very day(A teddy bear mouse🐭).When I was 17 years old I was attending a music festival which had started up the previous year in my home town🎤🎸.I still attend that music festival every year.I was there with my friends Sarah and Paula.I had been drinking all weekend (festival is from a Thurs-Mon)🍺.I have not much memory from it but apparently I randomly started fighting with a phonebox which the two girls found hilarious so left me to it😒.Suddenly someone walks by and I hear a male voice saying”Shauna,is that you?”It was if I sobered up instantly.I remember the moment I heard his voice clear as day.It was Mark.

I ran over to him excitedly and hugged him.He had not changed much apart from his hair was now completely brown,he was a bit taller and more filled out.I couldn’t believe it was him😮.I instantly fell in love with him as soon as I saw him😍💑❤.My whole life and world changed in that moment.I never felt anything like it.After we caught up briefly,Mark handed me a can of beer before he headed off,our hands touched and he looked up at me with a warm smile and said”It was so great to see you Shauna and I hope I’ll see you at some point over the weekend again”.As he walked away with Joey,I turned to Sarah and said”I am in love with him and I am going to marry him one day💘💍👰”.She thought it was the alcohol talking but little did she know what was in store.

The next day I ran into Mark at the festival and this time we hungout properly.We were inseparable.We actually talked and got to know eachother properly.I never knew how funny,sweet,caring and outgoing he was before.Everytime we looked at eachother we couldn’t stop smiling😀.I never wanted the day to end but Mark was heading home the next day.Even though he still lived in the next town over we never ran into eachother and we didn’t have each other’s numbers.Thankfully by that time social media and mobile phones were invented but it was Vanessa who would finally bring Mark and I back together again.

I spent the next few days after the festival constantly talking about Mark.I thought I wouldn’t see him again (I could have asked my ex-bestfriend and his twin sister  for his number but we were now enemies so I doubt she would have given it to me).Luckily for me Vanessa had set a plan in motion.She was still friendly with Mark (they ran into eachother from time to time).Vanessa had began going to discos in this bar that let underage people in and served alcohol so she invited me to stay over at her house along with Paula to take me there to cheer me up🍺.The other girls were going to meet us at the bar.I got all dressed up and we headed off to the bar.

It was coming close to 11pm which is when the music started.We were sitting down in a booth down the back of the bar near the DJ💿🎧.We were drinking and having a good time.The other girls came in and the night felt complete.As the DJ played some tunes we decided to get on the dancefloor.As I was dancing with Sarah I felt a tap on my shoulder and when I turned around Mark was standing there with a big smile on his face.I leaped into his arms and gave him the biggest kiss on the cheek.Sarah just nodded her head at me and went back to the booth.Mark and I danced with our arms around each other.When the song ended (Rihanna ‘Umbrella’ which became “our song”)we went to the bar and Mark bought me a drink🍹.

While at the bar I said to Mark”I can’t believe your here”and he replied”I was so happy when I saw you at the festival”.I couldn’t stop the smile spreading across my face😀.I flirted back by saying”I am so happy Vanessa brought me here tonight” and Mark said”Yeah,I am glad she convinced me to come here tonight”.I said”Vanessa convinced you?” and he said “She asked if I was going to the bar tonight and when I said I wasnt sure she told me I should so I knew she was up to something”.When we got back to the booth I hugged Vanessa and thanked her for her sneaky plan 😋

Mark and I spent an hour talking in the corner.We laughed about our relationship when we were younger and about what we got up to while we lost touch.He took me by the hand and brought me out to dance again.As we were dancing one of Mark’s friends called Dave (who I never met before)came over and said loudly”Are you going to kiss her yet?”We both laughed and Mark looked at me.I just nodded my head yes.He pulled me in close and we kissed😙.It was the most amazing kiss😍.It was slow and passionate😘.My heart was racing but I never wanted to stop kissing him.It felt right.We were inseparable all night.As the lights came up a sadness washed over me as I knew it was time to part but Mark said he would add me on ‘Bebo'(the Facebook of the 00’s).

He kept true to his word and we spoke all the time via ‘Bebo’ and ‘MSN’💻.I fell madly in love.We spent every weekend together hanging out in town going for walks,having bonfires with friends,going to house parties and we were inseparable.Everywhere the other went the other followed.My parents were aprehensive about the relationship as I spent all my time being with Mark or speaking with him instead of studying for my GCSE’s (Leaving Cert,GED etc).Mark’s family apart Laura were thrilled that we were back together.Laura soon came round when she realised just how much I loved Mark.

I successfully completed my GCSE’s and decided to move to another school to another school to take entrance exams needed before entering university/college called A-Level’s.It takes 2 years to study for and complete these exams.Mark had also decided to do the same at a school nearby me which was the new school my friend Sarah was attending.It was great because Mark and I got the same bus to and from our schools as it was 45 minutes away from our home towns.During school hours we would text.I hated my new school as did Mark.He switched to a tech school to study business instead of going to University/College.I began to skip some classes to sneak into the tech break room and hangout with Mark.We would just cuddle up and watch tv most of the day 😂My parents were furious when they found out I was skivving.

I never felt love like it.I just wanted to make Mark as happy as he made me.He always told me how beautiful I was and made me feel like the most special person on the world.We done all the usual young adult milestones of going to debs/formal/prom,made future plans for University/College and discussed getting married,where we would live and how many children we wanted.Again we shared some our firsts together such as we were eachothers first partners to stay over in the others house (not until we turned 18 years old),first time either of us had been in love,I was his first sexual experience (I had all my first sexual experiences with a pervious long-term partner unfortunately)etc.

10 months after we reconnected our relationship began to run into problems.Mark’s friends started getting into drugs as did he.Nothing hardcore in the beginning(just poppers)but it soon progressed to ecstasy.He gradually became a different person.He was cocky around everyone and pushed me away.I was so confused.I couldn’t understand why this was happening.I didn’t feel like I was worth it or good enough if he chose partying over me.I soon began hearing rumours that he had being seeing other people behind my back.Mark had come out as bisexual before we got together again and I loved him as he was.When I confronted him about the rumours he admitted it straight away.The last 9 months of our relationship was toxic.There glimpses of the better times which is why I held on for so long but it got to a point that he would get with someone else,I’d go out and get drunk to ease the pain,then I’d get with someone to get back at him(usually with Sean hence the love triangle mentioned earlier)and then we’d be back to being all lovey dovey.Despite our destructive behaviour I didn’t stop loving him.I just saw him as someone who needed help and believed that as long as there was still love there than we could get through anything.After 19 months together( on and off mostly for the last 9 months)I decided love wasn’t enough anymore.

Going to University/College felt like the right time to break the cycle and give me the space I would need to get over Mark as I would be far enough away that I wouldn’t be tempted to go see him.I felt so defeated and broken without him.I thought I would never get over Mark or find someone I would love that way ever again.It took me 4 years to get over Mark properly.When I began my relationship with William I was honest with him and told him a part of me will always love Mark and I think that is true for everyone when it comes to their first love.Mark and I lost touch again for a few years but we stayed friends on Facebook.

I ran into him a few years later at the very same music festival back home that I had fallen in love with him all those years previous.It was then I realised being face to face with him again that I was finally over him.I had dropped my ID card in the street and he was the one to find it.He messaged me to come meet him to collect it.He told me about that he had got his life together,he was living in England with his then partner (he has since split up with that one and moved on with his new boyfriend Chris)and has a great career.

I am so grateful that I experienced my first love and heartbreak with Mark.He taught me what it meant to be selfless,patient,passionate and what it felt like to be in love.He made me feel confident,happy,calm,alive,sexy and what is was like to have your bestfriend and lover all rolled into one.To this day I care about him and love him.Despite the messiness to the end of our love story we managed to salvage a friendship as there is a deep connection that can never be broken once you have shared all that we did.He will always be a part of me.We get in contact via Facebook and Snapchat from time to time.I have a feeling Mark and I will always reconnect or meet again.Fate keeps bringing us back together but I know its going to be a different future than we planned.I’m lucky to be able to say I can count my first love and my first ever boyfriend among my friends.Here’s to Mark for teaching me about love.Its true what they say “The First Cut is the Deepest”.

In honour of first loves,first boyfriends and first heartbreaks here is a mini gallery of me with mine (only pictures I have of that time):

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

 

 

 

 

Live the Best Life

Hey gals and guys 😁,

I have been enjoying the beautiful weather we have had here in Galway the last few days 🌞It was warm enough to wear shorts and a t-shirt.I had been in such a bad mood because Keith had been acting suspiciously and distant all week so the sunshine helped put a smile on my face😊.

Keith started acting distant on Monday.We hadn’t communicated at all for about week before then.I didn’t pay too much attention to this as he had told me he was studying for his IT course and his landlord is trying to sell his apartment so he has to be there at certain times for viewings.However on Monday he came home from work at 6pm and he was watching sports with his brother.I noticed him leaving his apartment at around 9pm and he never usually goes out again after he comes home from work unless he has no food in the house.My mind went into overdrive as always🤔.I stood on my balcony for half an hour waiting to see when he would be back(pathetic!)However he didn’t return until 11:30pm and my heart sank (why would he be out that long unless with another woman?)💔.I know we are not officially a couple but I thought we had agreed not to see other people either.

I tried to put it to the back of my mind and tell myself I needed to try give him the benefit of the doubt.On Wednesday I seen his car pull up so I decided to go down and see if he’d say anything (I was going to the shop anyway).As I came out the door he has the biggest smile on his face when he saw me 😄Keith asked me “Are you not gone yet?”(He was joking about me moving to Australia because I had sent him a drunken message the previous weekend about how I don’t think he’ll care about me moving).I didn’t find the joke funny though as I am really struggling with the thought of leaving him 😣He could tell by the expression on my face that he put his foot in it and he said “Its a joke 😂” to which I replied with a sarcastic look and said “Stop talking shit”.

Keith has been spending alot more of his free time with his brother this past week which is great.I love their bond 🙄It makes me so happy to hear them laughing together and the joy they get watching sports together.They live together in the apartment below mine but his brother had been away quite alot the last few weeks.I worry about how Keith will be when I leave (with good reason,he hasn’t exactly been coping well so far!)so knowing his brother is around more now puts my mind at rest 😥.On Thursday Keith was working the late shift at his job so he was due to finish work at 10pm.I always wait to see his car pull up so I know he got home ok but as the hours went by there was no sign of him.Come 12:30am I knew he was not coming home.I don’t know where or who he stayed with but I had myself convinced it was with another woman 😠

I was devastated but not surprised as I will always expect this behaviour due to our past.I made up my mind that I was done with Keith (for the millionth time😒).On Friday he returned home early from work and he had to clean his apartment for a viewing.I saw him going to put his bins out so I grabbed my rubbish and headed that direction too.I wanted him to walk by me and if he tried to talk to me I planned to ignore him so he would know there was a problem.Yet as he walked by me there was no big smile as soon as he saw me as per usual 🤔He said “Hello”in a cold voice as if I was just some acquaintance he barely knew.I replied with a greeting in the same manner and was going to walk on but he asked me how I was so I stopped for a minute and just said in an angry tone that I was fine.He walked on so I continued onto the bin sheds to disguard my rubbish.

To lift my mood I decided to go to Salthill for a walk with Aoife on Friday evening 🏞We walked along the promenade,got ice-cream and chatted which cheered me up 😊We messaged Lauren to come meet us but she was having a mother/daughter bonding day with her mam so she couldn’t👭.We walked for like two hours and our legs were like jelly after but it felt good to just vent.I didn’t even mention Keith as I just wanted to forget about him.After the walk we both went back to our own places as we wanted to get an early night to prepare for our girl’s night at Lauren’s the next day🍷🎉.I went to bed at 10:30pm and just relaxed watching Netflix.Keith’s car was there but his apartment was very quiet so I guessed he might be in bed early for work the next day as I hadn’t seen him leave that evening.

I eventually fell asleep at around 1:30am.I was waking up every 20 minutes though.At 2:20am my phone started ringing and I checked the caller ID.It was private number so I knew it was Keith and that he was probably drunk.I answered it and after the usual pleasantries I decided to pretend I wasn’t sure who was calling so Keith might hang up and let me go back to sleep😴.I laughed when he said “This is the boy you kissed two weeks ago” and I replied with “I didn’t kiss a boy two weeks ago” to pretend he wasn’t that memorable 😂In his drunken stupor Keith had forgotten the code to get into our apartment building so I had to give him it 😑He asked if I would come down and stay with him for the night but after being sure he had stayed with another woman the night before I was in no mood to babysit his drunken ass 😠I planned to put him to bed and leave.

I thought he’d be outside his door but then I heard the elevator coming up.There he was waiting outside my door eating takeaway food.His eyes were pure bloodshot and he looked agitated 😡As I stood there in my dressing gown he looked me up and down which made me feel very self-conscious so I told him he was being rude and that I was going back inside my apartment 😠Keith gently took me by the arm asked me to stay a second.Suddenly he got this really weird look on his face which scared me a bit.He came right up into my face and started just staring at me in a mixture of anger and confusion 😲I said to him”You’re being really weird and its freaking me out so I am going back to bed,goodnight”.He took me by the hand and apologised.

He asked if I would come stay with him in his apartment but I made the excuse I had to be up for work early (he doesnt know I was signed off on medical leave).He informed me that he had to be in work at 11am and asked what time I started so I lied and said 11am also🕚.Keith said”well then we both start at the same time so its perfect” and he gestured to me to go downstairs.I took him by the hand to steady him as he went down the stairs 👫When we got to his door he took the key card out to unlock it but he couldnt stand still enough to open the door🙈.I took the key off him to unlock it and bid him goodnight as I was going back to my own bed 🛌Keith was not happy and said”You’re coming in with me” and I said no.He said”Oh yes you are” so for the sake of a peaceful night I decided to stay the night with him.

Keith was so drunk that more of his food was going all over the floor than in his mouth 😂I climbed into my side of his bed and waited for him to get in beside me.He has become self-conscious around me lately(last two months) and won’t take his shirt off in front of me which is ridiculous because I love him no matter what and I can’t make it anymore obvious how much I fancy him.😉😍Its all because his mam told him he had gotten fat recently.He put his arms around me and I lay my head on his chest.He kissed me and said”You are my woman” to which I answered “No I am nobody’s woman”.Again he repeated”You are my woman”.He kissed me again and declared”I don’t want to kiss anyone else ever”.Then Keith asked me”Do the other’s kiss you like this?”and he kissed me passionately to which I replied”There are no others unlike you shagging all those other women😢”.He denied it of course.

I turned away to go to sleep and he asked me why I was facing away.I told him its more comfortable to sleep while spooning.He swept my hair away from my neck and kissed my neck and shoulder lovingly 😍We spooned for a while before he asked me to cuddle him facing him.He lifted my chin with his finger to look up at him and he said”I don’t care if its upstairs or downstairs,I just want to be with you always” and he kissed me again 😙I wasn’t letting the issue of his ware abouts the previous night go though and I said”You’ll be fine without me when I go,you’ll find somebody else no doubt”.Keith laughed and said he isn’t having sex with anybody else.He begged me not to go to Australia and to stay with him but I said I couldn’t.Keith asked me why I couldn’t stay and I lied by telling him my visa is sorted and my flight is already booked.I told him I have 6 weeks left in Galway 😆Keith got frustrated and then he said “You’re right you know to get out of here.Galway is a shithole.You should go to Australia.You deserve it 😊”He kissed me longingly and lovingly 😙I advised him to leave Galway if he is unhappy but he said he isn’t ready yet(whatever that means).

Then he fell asleep for a minute and he woke up and asked me about Craig (a guy I was seeing for a month while Keith and I were not talking at the start of this year).He said”That other guy you were seeing,was that only to annoy me?”and I replied”Somewhat but I liked Craig too” and Keith just sighed and said “Ok”😕.There was another long silence until he suddenly said very seriously “What if I was to offer you like everything?Like marriage?Would you not go to Australia?💍”I knew he wasn’t thinking straight so I just said”Steady on,you are way too drunk and you need to go to sleep”.I never got a reply and heard him snoring about 5 minutes later.A few hours later I was awoken by the sound of Keith choking in his sleep so I moved him and he was fine but it frightened the life out of me.

I didn’t get much sleep Friday night between Keith’s snoring,his hogging the blanket and waking up every few hours to see if he was alright.At one point he talked in his sleep but I couldn’t make out what he said 😂Keith woke me up early Saturday morning by rubbing my thigh and feeling my ass.He then slid his hand up my nightgown and fingered me✌.We are a very sexual couple 😉I never was very sexual and morning sex would have been the last thing I would want until I met Keith 😉I want to have him all the time😍.I thought that phase would wear off after a few months as it always did before with ex’s but its over a year later and even when he just brushes up against me I get the tingles down my body 😍He likes to take charge in the bedroom so I waited for him to tell me exactly what he wanted me to do to him 😉We have recently gotten into dirty talk during sex 😉It reallys makes me horny when he tells me that my body belongs to him and nobody else 😍If I defy this and tell him that it belongs to me or someone else he’ll spank me until I can’t take it😉He really likes to hear me tell him how much I want his penis(which is all the time!)😍During the sex Keith kept telling me how much he is going to miss me 😙He then put me on my hands and knees,bent me over and made me orgasm 😉

Keith was so tired that he couldn’t cum.I hate when that happens because I always question is it my fault or does he not find me sexy enough 😯After the sex he got up to use the bathroom and when he returned I notice a massive cut on his arm 🤕I asked him what happened and he replied”I fell last night”.We cuddled in bed until we fell asleep again 😪Keith likes to sleep with my hand on his bare gentials…no idea why but I don’t mind one bit 😉A few hours later he woke me up for some foreplay.I was determined to make him cum but it just wasn’t happening despite my best blowjob moves being used 😑We lay in bed cuddling and talking.Keith said”As soon as you come home from Australia I will be waiting for you 😍” and I jokingly replied”Well if you have banned me from ever having sex with any hot Australian guys you better give me the best sex ever when I am back 😉”.He laughed and said”You know I will” and played with my hair.It went quiet for a few minutes and then he said to me in a very serious tone”When you get back from Australia I will cum inside you,would like you like that?”It took me by surprise because he never cums anywhere near my vagina,its always in my mouth or face 😂I knew what he was really asking though.He was asking me did I want to start our family when I got home!😄🤰He had asked me two weeks ago about getting pregnant instead of going to Australia🤰.He was drunk at the time so I told him if he was serious we would discuss it when he was sober😞.He never brought it up again so I put it down to drunken shit talk but on Saturday morning he was now sober and serious.I simply replied”Yes I’d like that baby”.Keith kissed my head and we fell back asleep 😴

Keith’s alarm went off at 10am for work but we spent the next half an hour pleasuring each other.No better way to start the day 😜I became frustrated that I couldn’t make him cum still 😦He reassured me that it was because he was wrecked and I lay on top of him just cuddling instead.I left his apartment at 10:45am so he could go to work.I got a shower and changed my clothes to go into the city centre to hand my medical cert to my manager and let Pauline know I would be back Tuesday to work.While in town Keith text asking me when I was coming to see him again.I couldn’t stop the smile spreading across my face 😀He was thinking about me but again I brought up his ware abouts on Thursday night by asking him if he is seeing anyone else.He replied saying that he isn’t and he won’t but I dont think that is enough.Unless he is by my side 24/7 I’ll never fully trust Keith.He text me asking to stay with him that night again but I said I couldn’t because I was staying in Lauren’s house for our girl’s night.He replied asking if I was in my apartment right now and I said I was on the way back.He text me with instructions to “put on your yoga pants and come down to me” as he was on his way home for his lunch break 😉

I done as I was told and we stood in Keith’s living room just holding each other for a while.He loves to feel my ass in yoga pants🍑.He is obsessed with my ass and tells me all the time how much he loves it which is so sweet because its one of my biggest insecurties 😣In any outfit I wear he loves to turn me around and see how good my ass looks and feels 😉Keith slowly slid down my yoga pants,bent me over and fucked me good 😉He then lay me on the floor where he wanked himself off until he came all over my face.He got it right up my nostrils 🤣I cleaned myself off and got dressed to go back up to my apartment.He must have wanted to spend time together after the sex because he asked why I was leaving so I poked fun at him saying”I need a shower because someone came all over me inconsiderably” and he laughed 😋 He asked what my plans are for the next few days (so that meant I wasnt going to see him,thats always his way of telling me he is busy)so I said I had girls night that night and then we were thinking of going to Roundstone if the weather was still nice on Sunday (spoiler it isn’t).I waited to see his reaction to Roundstone because thats were he took me on the most romantic date of my life 😍He seemed a little taken a back when I mentioned Roundstone and just said”Oh,the weather is supposed to break tomorrow”.I said I would talk to him later and headed up to my apartment to get ready for girls night.As I headed out the apartment block I seen Keith getting into his car to go back to work but I didnt acknowledge him.As he drove by he stopped the car and honked his horn at me in appreciation for the short shorts I was wearing 😜

I walked up to Lauren’s house as she was hosting us for girls night.We bought loads of pizza,sweets and alcohol.We played a game called ‘Cards Against Humanity’.Then we listened to some music,drank and gossiped.We put on two movies and were snapping Chris of our bonding night without him 😂Lauren has a pet snake called Rocket which she took out of the tank🐍.I’m not the biggest fan of snakes so I just touched him instead of holding him.She put Rocket to bed and we stayed up until 6:30am talking about boys,secondary school days,Lidl and our futures.I love Lauren and Aoife so much 😁They are the two best friend’s a woman can ask for.I’m going to miss them terribly when I leave here 😢

We woke up at 12:15pm and luckily the hangover was not to bad considering we were drinking until 6:30am 😂Aoife and I gathered our stuff to head home.We were all exhausted so we decided to recoperate instead of going out for the day today.I went straight into bed when I got home and only woke up a half hour ago 😊Now its time to order Chinese food and enjoy some trashy tv.These last few weeks are all about just living my best life with those I love in Galway before I leave for Australia 😁Before I sign off I must say a happy anniversary to Lauren.Its our friendsaversary on Facebook 😁Two years of friendship down,a lifetime to go 😋

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

 

 

Against all the Odds (My Dad’s Accident)

Hey gals and guys 😁

So now I am off work for a week (signed off for medical reasons)I thought I’d write a blog about the day my whole life as I knew it changed forever.

My then boyfriend William and I were back in Donegal visiting family.My aunty Cathy,her husband Joe and their kids were also in Donegal visiting from Cork 😁We were just back for 2 days so a quick visit.At that time as you know my relationship with William was falling apart 😑Being at home was a nice distraction.We were sitting around my parents kitchen island talking about hopes and dreams.My Dad mentioned he had always wanted to go to Prague to see the Astronomy clock tower.As we usually do,we went for a drinking session with my granny on the 16th of August (yes my granny is too cool 👵🍷)We chatted and as my granny would later tell me she could see how unhappy I was but knew I had to figure things out for myself.

On the morning of the 17th of August I was awoken by a phonecall from my mother👩.She told me that my dad had been in a road traffic accident and she was on the way to Letterkenny hospital to go get him (she thought he had just broke a leg as the paramedic was very calm on the phone)so I didn’t panic or think much of it🏥.

I should just explain that my dad is not my biological father.My biological parents split up when I was a toddler.My mother and I moved from New York back to Ireland after they split.My biological father had no interest in keeping in contact.My mother met my step dad a few months after we moved here and he has brought me up as his own ever since.We are currently in the midst of looking into my Dad adopting me so its all official 👨‍👩‍👧‍👧

Back to the morning of the 17th of August 2016.After I got off the phone to my mother I went downstairs to my granny and informed her of my Dad’s accident.I told her it didn’t seem serious and we had a cup of tea before William and I left for my parents house🏡.When we arrived my mother was in the shower.My aunties Arylene and Cathy were in the kitchen with my uncle Joe and the kids.Everyone seemed calm and we were all laughing about how Mam was going to kill Dad when she got her hands on him.Joe got the kids ready to go out for the day and headed off.Mam came down the stairs with an overnight bag just incase they were going to keep Dad overnight.William and I were due to go back to Galway that evening so I said goodbye to my mam and aunties as they headed to the hospital.I told Mam to ring me to let me know how Dad was.We arranged for William and I to collect my younger sister Grace (11 years old at that time)from school and to look after her until Joe came home with the other kids from their day out.

At 2:30pm,a half hour before we were due to collect Grace from school a Garda car pulls into our driveway🚔.At first I wasn’t too worried.I answered the door smiling and they asked “Are you Michelle Leckey?”I replied that I am her daughter and that she had left to go to the hospital.The Garda said”Oh so you know about the road traffic accident this morning”.It was his tone of voice and facial expression that gave me a bad feeling in my gut so I asked him”Is my Dad ok?”He looked me straight in the eyes and said very seriously”Miss,I think you should get to the hospital right away”😯.I could feel my heart drop and I pleaded with the Garda to tell me what was going on but he kept repeating the words”You need to get to the hospital as soon as possible”😯.William was standing at the door beside me while this conversation was going on and he took over as I went into shock😵.

I told him that I couldn’t go back to Galway because this accident is more serious than we thought.I rang Lidl and explained to them the situation as I knew it.They were very understanding.William rang his boss to let her know also.I kept trying to ring my mother but I got no answer.I rang my aunties but again no answer.I started making arrangements to get to the hospital as soon as possible.I wasn’t sure what was for the best as I was now responsible for my 11 year old sister and as her guardian,her needs came before mine😦.At first I thought about picking her up from school and leaving her with my granny while we went to the hospital but then I thought if something was really wrong I should stay with her because without her parents she would need the comfort of the next best thing.I was conflicted though because what if Dad died and I wasn’t there to say goodbye but I decided my sister needed me more and truth be told I needed her too.

We collected Grace from school.She asked where Mam was as she was supposed to collect her from school.We told Grace calmly that Dad was in an accident but we made it seem non serious.Not long after Joe returned from his day out with the kids and I told him about the Garda visit.Thats when he told me.He said that morning the Garda rang him and spoke to him about the accident.Joe knew how bad it was but decided it was best to stay calm when telling my mother.I immediately wanted to get to the hospital but William managed to keep my head straight and reminded me Grace needed me here with her.

The hours went by but it felt like years until my the house phone rang☎.I answered and it was one of my aunty’s who explained how bad my Dad’s condition was.She told me that my Dad was going to be airlifted to University Hospital Galway as the best cardiologist was working there.Then she said the words that changed everything”Shauna,they don’t think he’ll make the journey to Galway.They are expecting him to be DOA”💔😭.I don’t remember hanging up the phone or much after that.A plan was made that they would come from Letterkenny hospital after Dad was on the helicopter and we would get some suitcases ready.William would drive myself,my mother and aunty Cathy to straight to the hospital in Galway and aunty Arylene would mind Grace.My mother made the decision that Grace should stay at home until we knew for sure what was happening.She didn’t want to scare or worry her.I felt it was the wrong decision but I supported her anyway.

In the car my mother explained that when she arrived at Letterkenny hospital the doctor told her the list of Dad’s known injuries.She went into shock but they let her see him.He was in surgery when she got there.By pure luck the world’s best heart surgeon was visiting Letterkenny.He was due to fly back to Australia but when Dad came in he stayed to take care of him.While being operated on my Dad went into cardiac arrest and my Mam was ushered away while they worked on Dad.She was sure we had lost him there and then but after what seemed like a lifetime they got him back.

They temporarily stabilised his heart and made the decision to airlift Dad to the hospital in Galway.They operated on his broken leg and stablised his broken pelvis.They gave my Mam my Dad’s possessions that he had come in with.As they wheeled my Dad to the helicopter he went into cardiac arrest for a second time.Again the doctors were able to revive him.The doctor accompanying Dad in the helicopter was a biker too and so was the pilot and they assured my mother that they would look after him.I asked my Mam how the accident happened but she said all she knew was that it was a boy racer that crashed into Dad👨🚘.

The journey to Galway from Donegal felt like the longest time ever🕰.When we arrived a nurse came to see us in the ICU waiting room.Dad has survived the journey and had been wheeled straight into theatre.The nurse called Niamh was lovely and became our beacon of hope against all the odds.Dad was in surgery for 8 hours and when they were done he was wheeled past us in a coma into the ICU ward.I never felt such relief.Soon after a doctor came to talk to us and to be honest I don’t even know how to begin to explain what he said but Niamh was there to explain in plain English.I simply asked”Is my Dad going to die?”and the doctor didn’t sugar coat it “I’m sorry but the extent of injuries your father has suffered,the odds of survival are not in his favour,the next 24 hours will be critical”.We were not given much hope.As the doctor left the room my mother broke down😭.I had never seen her cry in my 27 years.She was holding my Dad’s wedding ring and wailing”I can’t lose him”.I had to be the strong one at that point and I assured her that if anyone can beat the odds then its my dad.I asked should we tell Arylene to bring Grace to the hospital but Mam said to wait until the next 24 hours pass.

I don’t have much memory of the next few hours.In those first 24 hours after Dad’s heart operation in Galway he took another turn for the worst.His blood pressure dropped drastically and they had to operate on his heart for the 3rd time.The doctor and Niamh came to see us.He cleared the waiting room and put the blinds down.I thought this is it.Dad has died.He explained about the combination of an open book fracture of the pelvis,the tear in Dad’s heart,the broken leg,the four breaks in his spine and the bleeding on the brain made it difficult for them because once they operate on one area and fix it,it causes issues with the other injuries.I looked at him and I barely got the words out through my tears but I asked him”I have an 11 year old sister would you advise we bring her to the hospital to say goodbye?”.The doctor simply replied”Yes get her here as soon as possible”.I broke down for the first time and I couldn’t stop😭

It didn’t seem real.My heart broke but not for me.I was devastated for my little sister.How do you even begin to tell a child that she is going to lose her father?She was only 11 years old.I felt guilty.I had Dad in my life since I was toddler and until I was an adult but she needed him and he is her biological father.Mam and I were allowed to spend sometime with Dad before he went for surgery to say our goodbyes (just incase).The nurse asked us if we would like for him to be given the last rites and we said yes📿.My Dad is Protestant but the minister was away on holiday so they asked us if we minded if a Catholic priest gave him the last rites and my mother replied”It all goes to the one man as far as I am concerned”.It took an hour for the priest to get from Cong to the hospital.My mam and I couldn’t help but laugh that if Dad survived this when he came around we were going to mess with him and tell him we converted him 😂When the theater was prepped for Dad they came to get him.Before they wheeled him down I thanked him for being the best father a woman could have ever wished for,I begged him to fight to stay with us or at least hold on until Grace was here to say goodbye and I made a promise that if he made it through all this I would pay for him to go on holiday to Prague.I prayed to everyone I knew who were in heaven and to God himself.I made every promise under the sun.My aunty Cathy made the call to my aunty Arylene to bring Grace to the hospital as soon as possible.As soon as I saw Grace walk into the ICU waiting room I wrapped my arms around her.Soon after Grace arrived Niamh came into the waiting room and explained to Grace what was happening.

Niamh was a god send because neither myself nor my mother knew how we could break the news to my sister and we were in no fit state too.Niamh made us all feel like there was hope despite being told otherwise.She not only looked after my father but our whole family.She is the best nurse there is and you can tell she genuinely cares about the patients which put us at ease.We knew Dad was in good hands with Niamh.We spent the next few hours of Dad’s latest surgery drinking tea and praying.My aunties became the family spokespeople/secretary as the Garda rang with continuous updates on what happened.Niamh came running into the waiting room with a huge smile on her face,a thumbs up and shouted excitedly”He made it through the surgery”.We hugged each other with relief.Soon after Dad was wheeled past us and once he was settled we were allowed to go see him.

As he lay there I couldn’t help but cry😭.There wasn’t one part of him not covered with a cut,scrap,bruise or dirt from the road.My sister was so brave and strong.She didn’t cry.I don’t think she felt she could in front of my distraught mother.We weren’t sure what was the next step or what to do.All that matter was that he had made it through the critical 24 hour period.Just so you can get a clear picture of just how lucky my Dad is to be alive I will give you the final tally of his injuries:

-Bleeding on the brain

-Swollen and bloodshot eye from where his glasses broke

-Broken teeth and swollen lip

-Two fractures in his neck

-A broken shoulder

-Two broken vertebrae in his back

-Tear of the aeorta in the heart which had to have stent put in

-Broken wrist and thumb

-Open book fracture of the pelvis

-His leg was broken and shattered (he eventually had to have it amputated as too much damage was caused)

The doctors kept a diary which they wrote in everyday so that when Dad would eventually come around from the coma he could read it and know what exactly was going on.We wrote in it too.The doctors kept telling us that they couldn’t believe he made it through the surgeries.Our prayers were being heard.I can’t remember for exactly how long Dad was in a coma but when the doctors felt he was strong enough they started bringing him around slowly.We waited impatiently by his bedside for weeks until he finally opened his eyes.I’ll never forget the look of fear and confusion in his eyes when he came around.Niamh explained slowly that he had been in an accident and is hospital.She told him to try to remain calm and told him he will be ok.He looked at us with tears in our eyes and reassured him that it was tears of joy and not to worry.

Over the next few months Dad made tremendous strides😁😄😃.At the beginning when he was coming around he was on a high dosage of morphine for pain relief.We got great craic out of his hallucinations🤣.One minute he was commentating on the motorbike racing,then he thought he was back at work so he started bossing the nurses around and at one point he thought the nurses were strippers🤣.There was one bad halluncination he had though which was that he thought people were out to try kill our family but he couldn’t tell the Garda because there was a stash of cocaine belonging to him under his bed 😂My Dad is a barrister and the strongest thing he had ever taken non-medically was weed 😂When he was stronger and able to breath on his own properly they took out his ventilator.Hearing his voice after all those months was the greatest thing I have ever heard.Its what I imagine parents feel like when they hear their child’s first words.Eventually Dad was well enough to move from ICU into HDU 😊

In HDU he made more progress.He started talking more,eating and drinking small drops of water.Dad had been tube fed while in coma.Before the accident he was 22 stone (which the doctors reckon helped save his life)and he lost 7 stone while in Galway hospital.My mam felt comfortable enough to go home a few days a week to be with my sister who by now had gone back to school.I sat by my Dad’s bedside while she was gone but I struggled.I didn’t know what to say to make it better and thats all I wanted to do.At the same time the realisation hit me that my Dad as I knew him physically and somewhat mentally was gone.I had to mourn the person he used to be even though he was still alive which made me feel awkward.I hit a pit of depression like no other.William used to have to persuade or drag me to the hospital to see my Dad.I feel bad saying that but I didnt know how to be around this new version of my Dad and I just wanted my old Dad back.I eventually opened up to my mam and I went to my GP for help.She diagnosed me with anxiety and depression.I was prescribed medication and Lidl kindly paid for my councelling.

Once my medication and councelling began to make a difference I decided to try get back to some normalcy by going back to work a few hours a week.I can’t thank Lidl enough because they worked the roster around me so that I would work all mid day shifts so I could be at the hospital in the evenings with my father.It soon became clear though that I had gone back to work too soon.Dealing with work on top of my Dad’s accident and my crumbling relationship drove me to my limit.I had suicidal thoughts and had even planned to kill myself but my sister saved me.She was staying here in Galway one weekend visiting Dad in hospital.After seeing him in hospital late one night William and I took Grace back to the apartment for bedtime.I had decided that was the night I would do it.I felt so empty and alone.I just wanted the pain to stop.I climbed into bed beside my sister to say a final goodnight.As I lay beside her I told her how much I loved her and how much she mean’t to me.At 11 years old,with a sense of knowing and wisdom beyond her time,my sister wrapped her tiny arms around me and said”Shauna its going to be ok,I am here if you ever need to talk,we’ll get through anything aslong as we have each other”.Those words saved my life because for the first time in years I felt like I didn’t have to pretend I was strong,happy etc.I wiped the tears from my eyes and told Grace not to worry.I said goodnight and left her to read her book. (This part of the story explains the “By the GRACE of God”tattoo on my left arm)

After 6 months in University Hospital Galway my father was transferred to The Royal Victoria hospital in Belfast because they have the best orthopaedic doctors in Ireland and the UK.As they had to deal with the troubles of the religious war in Northern Ireland throughout the 70’s,80’s and 90’s they were more than qualified to deal with my Dad’s broken bones.All his broken bones were healing apart from his leg.I was glad that Dad was well enough to be transferred to Belfast as it meant another step closer to getting him home but I fell into a deep depression when my family left Galway.I hated not being able to go to the hospital everyday to check on Dad myself and anxiety consumed me as I feared I was too far away if something were to happen.I missed having my mam here supporting me too and I didn’t want to face being left alone with William again.

I went back to work full time to try get myself back to normal.I thought some rountine would help me.Just before Christmas we found out that my Dad’s broken leg would have to be amputated if there was ever going to be a chance of him walking again.Out of all that had happened,I struggled with this decision the most.Prehaps because I was in denial and had convinced myself that Dad would eventually come home completely back to his old self one day.As Mam told me the news over the phone while I was in the staff canteen I couldn’t control it.I broke down and cried asking”Why this is happening to my Dad?He had been through so much already(before his accident he had just overcome skin cancer and his father had died in May 2016)What had he done to deserve this”My mothers heart broke as she started crying too.When I got off the phone my manager Shaun done his best to comfort me and sent me home from work.

On the day of the amputation before his operation my Dad thanked us all for being with him.He didn’t need to thank us I told him as there is nowhere else we would be than by his side supporting him.I was a nervous wreck considering the previous surgeries he had been through.I was scared of how he would feel and react after losing his leg.Such a devastating and lifelasting reminder of the hell he had suffered.We knew it was for the best so he could learn to walk again but even with this amputation the doctors had told us there was a slim chance he would ever walk.We had faced these odds before when doctors told us he would die mutliple times.My Dad is determined to walk again and I know one day he will.The operation went well thankfully.When he came around we were allowed to go see him.I didn’t know where to look but my mam faced the issue head on.She looked at his leg which was amputated below the knee and touched it.I decided to be brave and told Dad”I’m just not ready to look yet” and he replied”I’m with you on that one” and we smiled at eachother.

When visiting time was over we went back to the house.William and I were leaving the next day as we both had to return to work.Dad was kind of dosing in and out all day.At first we paid no attention as we figured he was still coming round from his operation yesterday.I woke him up to say goodbye but he was barely conscious.I was reluctant to leave but the nurses assured us he was just getting over the surgery.We went back to Galway but I left feeling like something wasn’t right.The next day back in Galway I get a phonecall from my mother saying my father had took a turn for the worst during the night.He had some kind of infection but was not responding to any antibiotics.He was unconscious and his organs were starting to shut down.I was angry and knew I shouldn’t have left.I made plans to go to Belfast as soon as possible but Mam told me to wait 24 hours.I didn’t sleep at all.At death’s door once again,Dad was diagnosed with septicismia (no idea how to spell it) and they found a cocktail of antibiotics which finally began to work.My Dad says now that that was the only time he felt like giving up but mam wouldn’t let him thankfully.

Christmas was coming up and we were going to spend it in Belfast.Dad was now well enough after his amputation that he was transferred to Musgrave to begin his rehab a few weeks beforehand.We had an early Christmas dinner and opened presents at our house in Belfast but it sucked without Dad.We went into the hospital that evening to spend time with Dad and open presents with him.William and Mam went out for a cigarette and Grace headed off to the staff canteen to go say hello to one of the nurses she had become friendly with.Dad looked at me and asked”So how are you really doing?”and I told him that I was very unhappy especially in my relationship with William and that I wanted to end the relationship but was waiting for the right time.Strangely enough this was the first time I felt used to the new version of my Dad.A woman will always need her parents no matter what age.I told Dad that his accident showed me that life is too short for loveless relationships,toxic friendships,crappy jobs and I just wanted to be the best and happiest person I can be.

The doctors in Galway told us that Dad would be in hospital for 2 years from the point he came into them until he would be finished his rehab but again he defied all expectations,predictions and odds.10 and a half months on from that horrific day of August 17th 2016 my Dad was given the go ahead to come home 😁As of today he has continued his physio at home,at the gym and as an outpatient of the local hospital in Ballyshannon/Sligo.He is in a wheelchair but he can stand unaided for a few minutes and can take a few steps with crutches.This progress has meant that last week he was recommended for a prosthetic leg 😁If he is deemed eligble (which I have no doubt he will)it’ll be no time before he is walking.Of course we know he’ll never walk normally but aslong as he can make it around the house,around work and enough to be able to walk his daughter’s down the aisle one day then Dad is happy with that and so are we.

As to what actually caused the accident we found out after the Garda had completed their investigation.My father was stopped at a junction behind a people carrier/jeep on his motorbike on his way to work in Derry.A boy racer was speeding and lost control of his modified Audi.The people carrier saw the boy racer coming at top speed and made a quick right turn so my Dad had no chance.He didn’t see the boy racer in his Audi coming and he crashed into my Dad.The Garda estimated that the impact my Dad was hit at was 120mph.My Dad was found 75 feet away from his motorbike.Thank god my Dad always bought the best brands of biking gear which helped save his life.His motorbike was completely distroyed and his helmet was smashed to bits but done its job as despite suffering a bleed on the brain,he hasn’t been left with any permanent brain injuries.The accident was in no way my Dad’s fault and we want to get the word out as there is this stigma attached to motorcyclists that are involved in road traffic accidents that they are always blamed first.

Yesterday my parents met the two people who without a shadow of a doubt are the reason that my Dad is here today.Linda Callaghan was out walking her dog when she heard the crash.She was first on the scene.She opened my Dad’s helmet visor and kept him conscious by talking to him.She told another passerby that there is a paramedic living a few feet away and to go check if he was home.Linda dialled the ambulance,Garda and firebrigade.She held my Dad’s hand and noticed he was wearing a wedding ring so she asked if he was married and if he was able to give her his phone number to which my Dad replied”Yes my phone number is……and my wife is going to kill me 😂”.Typical Dad always making a joke.Knowing that there was a very real possibility that those could have been my Dad’s last moments I take some comfort in knowing he wouldn’t have died alone.Pat Carlin,the paramedic living close by,was on the scene soon after.He knew not to move Dad and kept Dad’s heart going until the ambulance arrived and took over.It was lucky Pat was around as he was actually not meant to be.He was running late for work that morning.Both Linda and Pat’s quick thinking actions are why our story turned out to be one of hope and survival against all the odds.I wish I could have been there to meet them myself yesterday but I am not well enough to travel yet but I hope to meet them before I go to Australia.Sometimes ordinary people come into our lives to do extraordinary things and our family can never find the right words to show just how grateful we are to both Linda Callaghan and Pat Carlin.

As for the boy racer who caused all this.Well I can’t say much as its a legal matter and the court case is ongoing but he deserves everything he gets.After the accident instead of helping my near dead father he found it more appropriate to put pictures on various social media of the scene of the accident but what disgusts me most is the picture he put up on social media of my father lying on the road being revived by the paramedics with a caption saying “Bad day for my new Audi” 😠😠😠We have learned that he was also uninsured and has since been in more road traffic accidents.He is going to kill someone driving and I just hope its himself.

Anyway I will leave you with a picture which fills my heart with joy.Its of my Dad meeting his saviours Linda Callaghan and Pat Carlin yesterday that my mam sent me 😁

Oh and by the way I kept my promise to send my Dad on holiday to Prague.My sister and I paid for flights and hotel for the parents to go to Prague on Valentine’s week as a Christmas present 😁

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

 

William

Hey gals and guys 😁,

So as there was confusion on who my ex of 6 and half years is and Keith who I am seeing on/off is so I thought I’d write a blog about the two 😊.I already wrote a blog about Keith called ‘The Situationship’ explaining that whole scenerio so now I will tell you all about William.

William and I met when we teenagers (17 years old I think?).The first I heard of William was when he started dating one of my good friends (at that time)Aisling.For ages our friendship group thought he was made up because Aisling had been talking about this William she had been going out with for weeks but he was nowhere to be seen 🤔😂After much persuasion,Aisling finally introduced William to our friendship circle😊.I don’t remember our first meeting to be honest.He was my friend’s boyfriend so I didn’t pay much attention to him but he says he was instantly attracted to me 😂At that time I was back together with my first love Mark (I will also do a blog about him at some point 😊)and I didn’t have eyes for any other person ❤

As the months went by and William began to hang around with our group more I got to know him really well.He was funny,good-hearted and loyal😁.He became my bestfriend and the person I went to when Mark and I were having problems 💔We hung around together with our other friend Vanessa all the time and people were always making up rumours that he was cheating on Aisling with one of us 😂

There was one night we were both staying in Vanessa’s house.I had been out drinking with Mark and his friends but we had an arguement so I left and went to cry on William’s shoulder at Vanessa’s house as per usual😭.Aisling and William had also had an arguement because he had left their date to come look after my drunk ass 😓William put Vanessa into bed and I climbed in beside him in the spare room.This was no way a sexual thing as I had slept beside him many times before.We spent most of the night talking and I don’t remember how but we ended up having a tickle fight which ended up with him touching me inappropriately(by accident!).However that was when things changed😮.It was when I first saw William in a different way 😉

After that night we pretended nothing happened.Mark and I continued to have furious and jealous fuelled rows about the other person flirting with the opposite sex😠.Our relationship was becoming toxic as he would cheat on me so I would “forgive” him but go out the next weekend and cheat on him😫😭😠.I started drinking more and more to numb myself to the fact I was losing my first love and the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with🤑.As always William was there to pick up the pieces when I finally ended my relationship with Mark for good.

A few months after Mark and I split,I headed off to university🤓🎓.I had been single for 8 months(longest I’d EVER been single)and was learning to love myself again😀.I had no interest in finding love again for quite a while 😏William and Aisling subsequently broke up during that summer also and our friendship group had turned our back on her due to her awful behaviour😒😲.William decided to come back to Portstewart for a few days to see where I was going to University and check out the nightlife🍻.After us both suffering heartache over the summer we just wanted to have a few drinks and hang out.

When we arrived in Portstewart I introduced William to my housemates Eleanor and Fiona (he already knew my other housemate Sarah as she was in my friendship group in secondary school).We all headed out to my student union bar where we met up with Conor and Michael 🍺I ordered a bucket of beer which at that time was £5.00 and being the lightweight that I was back then I was quickly drunk😆.William also had quite a bit to drink that night 😂All night Sarah and Fiona kept whispering in my ear how right and perfect they thought William and I were for each other 🤔I kept denying there was anything more than friendship but in the back of my mind I started thinking maybe they were right.I always chose the wrong guy and here was this amazing guy who treated me like a princess so maybe I should give it a try.Maybe they could see what I couldn’t and William actually was the one for me all along 🤔

When we got back to our house that night William and I headed off to my bedroom🛌.We were talking and cuddling.We decided to play truth or dare.It was very innocent questions and dares for a while.I can’t remember who amped it up but I remember William daring me to kiss him on the lips so I did and then the dares kept getting more sexual until finally we stopped daring each other and just had sex 😯Afterwards I excused myself and went to the bathroom.I locked myself in there and burst into tears 😭I immediately regretted crossing the line with William.When I returned to my bedroom we both just said goodnight,turned our backs to eachother in shock and went to sleep 😪

The next morning was quite awkward as you can imagine.I dont know why but I woke him up to have sex again 🤔I think I was trying to figure out that maybe after the intial shock wore off if there was feelings between us.When the sex was over I remember just feeling like I needed a shower as soon as possible🚿.We decided to go into Portstewart for a look around the town and we discussed what happened.He made it clear that he really liked me but he didn’t want to put any pressure on me.I was so confused 😣In my head I had a voice saying “No this isn’t right,you’re still in love with Mark and just tell William you want to go back to be being friends” and another voice in my head saying “This guy has all the qualities you look for in a guy,all your friends and family already approve and you may grow to love him so give it a go”.I went with the first voice in the beginning but then we got drunk the next night and had sex again 🤔

I decided to try give this a go with William.It made sense.So when he asked me again to be his girlfriend on Rossnowlagh beach I agreed👫.I started to develop strong feelings for William after two months and things were going from strength to strength until we hit the 6 month mark.I had by then realised I was not in love with him despite telling him I was (I was a coward and didnt want to hurt his feelings when he said those 3 words to me so I said it back 😯).I kept praying that my feelings would change until I eventually convinced myself that it takes more than love to make a relationship last so I would focus on the other aspects of our relationship.As the years went by our sex life dwindled as I gave every excuse under the sun to avoid intimacy with William as much as possible and he put up with it because I swore blind I just had a low sex drive.I would put out when it could no longer be avoided.

We moved in together after two years of dating as both of us could no longer bare living with our parents👨👩.At the time I didnt have a good relationship with my mother and William’s family home was feeling a little crowded for him.We got a nice one bedroom apartment in Donegal Town🏡.Living together was quite an adjustment!We drove eachother crazy with all our annoying little habits but we soon got into a routine.I don’t exactly know how or why but we began to row nearly everyday a few months after living together😲😡.The main issue he felt was that I put my family first above everyone and everything else.William resented that fact because my mother treated me so badly.He wanted me to stand up for myself for once but its easier said than done.

Soon our rows became physical😭.I am so ashamed of this😦.It was NEVER him,it was me😩.I would get so blind with anger that I would lash out😡.I am only 4ft 11 and not very strong so luckily I never managed to hurt him despite throwing objects such as shoes,lamps and tv remotes at him.I would punch him repeatedly and he being bigger always managed to pin my arms until I calmed down but this disgusting behaviour pushed him to the edge and he then began to lash out😡.He never lay a finger on me but he would become so enraged he would punch walls and doors to avoid hitting me.We both realised we needed help if we were going to stay together and make this relationship work so he attended anger management and I went to councelling.William completed his anger management but I gave up the councelling a few weeks in😧.I was in denial that I was in any way wrong and had convinced myself William’s disapproval of my parents was what drove me to violence😒.

We decided to make a fresh start by moving to Galway.I found a job and an apartment for us (William had decided he wanted to relax a few weeks before getting a job in Galway).When the day of the move came,our apartment was not ready,so we stayed with our friend’s Beckey and Chris who had moved to Galway a few months beforehand.I hated my new job so I quit after a few weeks😑.I was only on the dole 2 weeks when I got another job thankfully and I loved it(only problem was it was a confectionary shop so the weight piled on🍩🍰)We moved into our one bedroom apartment and life was good😊.The violence subsided and we were happy.Our new neighbours Elaine and John introduced themselves.We quickly became firm friends.We would have dinner parties and I would go on shopping sprees with Elaine 🎁

After a year of living in Salthill,Elaine announced herself and John had found a bigger place so had decided to move.I was so sad (excited for them though)as Elaine had become my closest friend.It was hard knowing I wouldn’t be living downstairs from her.On the day they were moving I cried my eyes out but promised her she would see me just as much 😊As their aparment was nicer and a tiny bit bigger we moved from the downstairs up to their old place.William had by then gotten a job and was quickly moving up the ranks.He loved this job so much,he was very good at it but it quickly began to take over our lives.We started spending less and less time as a couple🙉.He would come home,eat dinner and go to sleep.He had put on a serious amount of weight too so his snoring was horrific.We would row ferociously and again the violence started to creep in.I got frustrated as I had no life outside of his job.I started comfort eating to deal with my problems and slowly me own weight crept up the scales too🍕🍔🍟🌭🌮🌯🍲🍿🍝🍦🍰🍫.All he ever talked about was work,all our friends (apart Elaine and John)were from his company.I began to feel trapped by his job.

Despite the problems in our relationship we began to discuss marriage🏩👰💍.All my friend’s from back home and my school days had begun to get engaged,married or have children👶👰🤵🤰💏👪👨‍👩‍👧👨‍👩‍👧‍👦👨‍👩‍👦‍👦👨‍👩‍👧‍👧💍🏩💒.By that time we had been together nearly 5 years.I was particularly pushing for an engagement despite knowing deep down I wasn’t in love with William.I was asking for this because it felt like it was expected of us.Everytime a friend announced their engagement or got married I felt sad that I was settling for security instead of love but still I thought its better than being alone😕.William wanted to wait a few years more until we were more financially stable.

As we were both earning a bit more money we decided to move into a bigger apartment🏘.We wanted a two bedroom place so that we could have guests stay over or I could kick William into the other bedroom when his snoring was bad.We didnt have enough money for the deposit so my parents kindly gave us the money for it.I loved our new apartment and again harmony returned into our relationship💑.William took a promotion in another branch of the company he worked for in Ennis.This took a major toll on our relationship.He was gone all day and by the time he got home he was so tired all he do was get dinner and go to bed.He gained even more weight so his snoring became unbearable so I began permantly sleeping in the spare room.At first I would get into our bed,watch some Netflix with William and try sleep beside him but even with ear plugs I ended up waking up at some god for saken hour to go into the spare room.The broken sleep left me irritable and exhausted😒😴

We never spent anytime together anymore.On our days off together all he wanted to do was sit in the apartment,play video games and catch up on sleep🎮😴.I wanted to go out and make memories.I felt lonely and trapped.The resentment quickly set in and by then I had given up all pretenses of even wanting to have sex with him yet we still continued to talk about getting engaged💍!I used to dread to see him coming home and would make every excuse not to be in his company.I was so angry that when I was working and he was off he would never lift a finger around the apartment (dishes piled up,laundry not done,no dinner on etc)yet he expected all this done for him when I was off work and he was working 😐We were becoming just two friends living together.Eventually he moved permantly into the spare room but we still struggled on.

In August 2016 we were visiting our families back in Donegal for a few days.We went to my granny’s for a few drinks on the 16th of August👵.On the morning of the 17th of August my mother rang me to say my dad had been involved in an accident on the motorbike but it wasnt serious.She was going to the hospital to go get him or so we thought.I informed my granny of the news and we headed back to my parents house.When we got there my relatives who had been staying with us were out for the day but not long after a Garda car pulled over🚔.They informed me of my Dad’s accident but I knew something was wrong when they told us to get to the hospital as soon as possible🏥.I was due back into work at Lidl (I had started there just a few months before)the next day so I rang them and informed them of the situation.My mother rang me and detailed how bad my Dad’s accident really was and told me that he was being transferred to Galway University Hospital🏥.

We waited for her to return home to pack up her stuff and we headed straight for Galway.I went into a state of shock when we arrived at the hospital.I have very little clear memory of that time.I will discuss the accident in a separate blog but we were not given much hope of my dad surviving (he did by the way)and my whole world turned upside down😖.William done his best to be there for us all but I pushed him away.All I wanted was my family around me.My mother moved in with us while Dad spent months in the ICU recovering but she would go home at weekends to be with my 11 year old sister.During those months William and I became strangers practically.I spent every waking second at the hospital and when I was at home I barely acknowledged William only to keep up appearances when other people were around.I don’t know why I was treating him so poorly as he couldn’t have done more for us all during this time.When we did speak he would talk of planning our engagement for when Dad was better😰💍.I knew he had started planning already.Dad’s accident made me realise life is too short and that I would rather be lonely than in a loveless marriage.It wasn’t fair to either of us.

After a few months Dad was transferred to The Royal Victoria hospital in Belfast.My grandparents had left my Dad a house there when they passed away so my mam moved there.I missed her terribly as we had become so close during this time.My Dad’s accident had changed us both and repaired our relationship.William and I were now back to having our apartment to ourselves.I went back to work a few hours a week and he went back full time.I found solace in Elaine and John.They knew exactly what I was going through as John had lost a sister in a car accident years beforehand🤧.I leaned on Elaine alot and I couldn’t ask for a better friend.I went over for a meal and a few drinks to Elaine and John’s new house one night shortly after my Dad has been transferred.The topic of course turned to marriage at one point.For the first time,I admitted that marriage with William was not on my radar any longer.I think Elaine and John were taken aback but just assumed I meant not anytime soon and not that I meant not at all.

I spent weeks agonising over the decision to end my now 6 and a half year relationship.One day I was determined to do it and then the next day I would talk myself out of it persuading myself that it was just a reaction to my Dad’s accident.Not long after Elaine and John announced their engagement 😁💍William and I went around to their house a few days later to drop off a gift and to have a catch up.William spent the whole time talking about his work (well complaining about it).Everytime someone tried to change the subject he would bring it back to work.Everytime Elaine or John would try to ask me a question William would answer for me.Maybe he got used to doing this while I was dealing with Dad’s accident as I was not capable of much but it angered me.

In the run up to Christmas I decided to take the time to think about the future of our relationship.I didnt want to make any rash decisions.We put on a united front but as my family would latter inform they could see the cracks showing 2 years before our split.After a lovely Christmas and New Year I met Elaine for lunch🥗.I asked her all about the wedding planning and we had a laugh about all the stresses of it.She made a comment about how it’ll be my turn soon no doubt but I kept quiet.Elaine then explained how she isn’t that fussed about the whole big white wedding and that it was about their love for each other.She then said “I am marrying John because I couldn’t imagine my life without him”.Little did Elaine know that hearing those very words would be the catalyst for me ending my relationship with William.As I sat there after hearing those words all I could think about was how I didn’t feel that way about William and how I could imagine my life without him.Those words rang in my ears for the rest of that lunch and by the time I returned home I had decided to set about ending it.

There is never a good time to break up with someone let alone someone you are living with,been in a relationship with for 6 and a half years and someone you were making plans with to get married soon👰🤵.I had decided to do it in two weeks time after my aunty had gone from her visit to us.I slept on the sofa while she was here but blamed it on William’s snoring but she could see right through that excuse.I went to work and before she left my aunty spoke to William to ask if everything was alright between us.He was honest with her and told her we were having problems but that we were trying to work through them(little did he know).I came home from work a few hours after she had left.I turned on the tv and just stared blankly at it.William asked could we talk so I muted the tv.He told me about his earlier conversation with my aunt and he asked “So are we going to be ok?”I hadn’t planned on breaking up with him for a few more days but I just blurted out the words”I want to break up,I don’t love you anymore”.It was brutal.My heart broke for him💔.He still was in love with me.He started crying.I tried to comfort him but I didnt know how.I apologised.He asked how long I felt like this and I said “Quite a while”.The next few days were a blur.We spoke at length about how long it had been going wrong and how best to proceed with splitting up.

We informed our families first.My family were not one bit shocked nor were my friends but William’s were.They kept asking if he wasn’t sure that this was temporary and just a reaction to my Dad’s accident but he told them that he could see there was no way back for me.As we both had no money we decided to stay living together until one of us was able to move.We agreed not to date anyone while living together and that if one of us found someone we would move out.We wanted to try salvage a friendship so living together seemed like a good way to do this also.William asked me not to change my relationship status on Facebook for a while until he was ready which I begrudgingly agreed to.I was ready to move on with my life immediately and felt that this was some form of him trying to control me.When I sat and thought about it I realised I had years to grieve the end of this relationship while we were still together so I needed to be more understanding because for William it felt like his whole world has fallen apart suddenly.

Of course our arrangement turned sour very quickly.Its never a good idea living with an ex.We fought over everything😠.There were times he would beg me for sex so that “he could forgive me” especially when he eventually found out about Keith and I.A few weeks after my split with William I began secretly dating Keith as I knew William would not take it well.I had no plans to date seriously.I was only on the online dating apps to see what they were like.As my confidence soared and my self-esteem returned I gained the ability to go out by myself and make new friends.I started going to the gym,going out to social events and gatherings more.I became the person I always wanted.No longer isolated ,crippled by anxiety or trapped by what I now realise was an controlling (him)verbally and emotionally abusive (him)and physically abusive relationship(me)William on the other hand became a recluse who would spend all his spare time smoking weed.I tried to encourage him to get out more with his friends.

I got councelling for months during my Dad’s hospital stay and after my split with William which helped show me a different way of dealing with anger and how to communicate.I know I will never be physically abusive in a relationship again because I have learned to love myself.My situationship with Keith has tested me and pushed me to my limits but never once have I ever even thought about lifting a finger to him.Once William found out about Keith and I,he did become physically violent with me.I forgive him totally because I understand it especially in these circumstances.He would threaten both Keith and I.He woud ring my family and everyone who would listen to tell them about how disgusted he was by me when he found out Keith and I had been secretly dating for four months before I told him.I won’t dive much further into it as its all detailed in the blog about Keith.

William eventually moved out and has since moved on with his new girlfriend (who he met when she moved into his new place as one of the new flatmates).We talk,text and occasionally meet up but things will never be the same.I miss our original friendship but I just dont think ex’s can be bestfriends and to be honest I dont want to be.I just want to move on and for everyone to be happy.William seems to be getting there thankfully.There is no more bitterness,just acceptance and lessons learned.

So now you know all about my 6 and a half year relationship with William.

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

 

Burning the Candle at both Ends

Hey gals and guys 😁,

So Lidl done it!They worked me until they broke me 😯

I was due to work 6pm until 11pm on Sunday.I had been out the previous two nights so when I woke up on Sunday morning feeling a little worse for wear I wasn’t too worried.I thought I’d go back to sleep for a few hours and I would be right as rain again.

I woke up at 10:30pm and knew immediately this was no hangover.My throat felt like it was on fire,I had a fever,I was shaking,it hurt to swallow and I was losing my voice but what was most concerning was that my gland on the right side were sore to touch.My first action was to check the mirror to see if my neck was twice its size but it looked fine.I messaged my mother privately on Facebook to see if she thought it was serious enough to ring the out of hours GP but I got no reply so in sheer panic I posted a status on Facebook for medical advice 😂A few people got back to me saying to make an appointment with the out of hours GP.I rang up and she told me to come in at 1:30pm.

I got a taxi to the other side of the city which was quite expensive but I hadn’t the energy nor was I in the mood for getting the bus.When I arrived at the doctor surgery I went to the waiting room.I was there a few minutes and I was getting agitated by another patient sitting across from me.She was coughing constantly without covering her mouth 😠🤢No wonder she was ill,she was wearing short shorts in the pissing rain!Finally at 2:15pm I was called into the doctor’s office.

I discussed my symtoms and how I had been extremely exhausted all the time.Thats when the doctor became concerned.She decided to take blood tests.She took four samples of blood but the only two I remember her saying what they were was for underactive thyroid and diabetes 😯She asked me about my periods and forms of contraceptive.I told her how my periods had been different the last 2 months but lied and said I had it checked already.I also lied about my contraceptive because the truth is I am embrassed to say I don’t use any with Keith and we are not in an exclusive relationship😕.Now I am freaking out 😖What if Keith has been sexually active with another woman a few months ago and got something off her that I now have?Why did I lie?Then I reassured myself that if I have anything it will show up in my blood tests but things like Chlamydia don’t so I am going to go get an STI check from another doctor.I may be overreacting.Keith assures me he always used condoms with other women but he hasn’t exactly been the most truthful guy in the past 😐

After she took the blood samples she checked my pulse and heart rate.Thankfully they were both fine but she was worried that I am suffering from exhaustion and decided that I couldn’t continue to work.She signed me off with a sick note.The doctor had no firm diagnosis so she wrote I was suffering from tonsilitis,acute fatigue and currently awaiting test results for glandular fever.I was also dehydrated so she put me on bed rest and ordered me to drink plenty of fluids.In the meantime my mam had got in touch so when I finished with the appointment I rang her.In her typical style she gave out to me for burning the candle at both ends but she was also worried that there is also another underlying issue.So by Friday I should know what is going on.In the meantime I am doing exactly as the doctor ordered and I am resting in bed.

Even lying in bed though I am stressing out.Stressing about Australia and stressong about Keith.He has been quite distant the last week.I know he explained that he is doing this IT course and is studying alot but we have only 7 weeks left to spend time together before I leave here!I want to spend as much time with him as possible and I thought that was what he wanted to but maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part.It doesnt matter now anyway because I have to concentrate on getting back to full health.At the end of the day I just have to remember that people who truly what to be in your life will make time for you and my besties are always there when I need them.A woman can survive without a man but not her bestfriend/s.

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗