Hump Day

Hello gals and guys 😁,

Happy hump day,coincidentally, it also happens to be national steak and blow job day 😂😉I didn’t get any humping,steak nor did I give any blow jobs 😂

First off can I start by saying a massive thank you to everyone who has taken the time so far to view my site and read my posts 😍Today I had the most views,comments and likes than ever before 😄I can’t believe people are taking the time out to read about my life!Its so humbling and I appreciate every single viewer😍.

My week has improved slightly thankfully🤗.I had a long shift at work today(1pm-11:00pm)but Magda was duty manager tonight so as she always does we finished on time as promised 😁Again though I was stuck at a till by myself so no getting to have the craic with Ellen or Chris 😒Customers seemed to be in alright moods so not much bother on that front 🙂Aoife is in tomorrow so at least I can catch up with her and have a laugh at our wild night out on Saturday 🍺I have been working in Lidl over two years now and I FINALLY got my own locker 😄There is more staff members than there is lockers(usually)so when I started there wasn’t a spare one.I took a snapchat of my locker and put it on my story(its the little joys that get you by in that place!)and Lauren replied back saying”That was my locker”.How cute?I got one of my work besties locker after she left 😃

One of my besties arrived home from Australia today too 🙂Dylan left a month ago to go to Australia for a year so I am not 100% why he is back so soon.He did mention that one of the women he went with was making the trip miserable but I really hope he isn’t home because of her😯.Travelling is one of the best experiences and I would hate to think he missed out.I have known Dylan nearly 3 years.His stepfather Mike was my manager in Tesco and soon after I joined Tesco,Dylan started.We got on immediately but he would never talk to me outside of work because I was in a relationship.When my relationship was falling apart and my Dad had his accident,Dylan really stepped up as a friend.I can talk to him about anything and he can always cheer me up so its good to have him home ❤I am working tomorrow so I won’t get to see him until Friday but I can’t wait to catch up with him.

We have been in constant contact since he left so he knows all about my massive crush/obsession with the musician 😂He has been advising me from a man’s point of view and is probably the only reason I have remained half normal in my quest to get the musician in my bed again 😉Dylan is not a fan of the musician.He thinks the musician loves himself too much even though they have never met.They will meet very soon though as we have decided to go to the Skeff and make the musician jealous by being flirty infront of him 🤔What else are guy bestfriend’s for right?!😂

The musician has been very quiet on social media again today apart from viewing my snap story about my locker.Obviously I can only see what he puts of up on his profiles so he might be very active in sending messages or snaps to others on social media privately.I was listening to his EP on Spotify on the way to work ♬I can’t get enough of his voice.I am not being biased because I have the hugest crush on the guy.He is seriously talented and I know he will be as successful as Ed Sheeran one day 🤞He already appeared on The Voice of Ireland and came close to winning 😁My plan to use work as a distraction to stop thinking about him didn’t work as I had one of his songs stuck in my head all day and so many times I thought I seen him come into the store today (wishful thinking😉).

My former lover in the apartment below hasn’t contacted me since our fight yesterday.For once I might have gotten through to him and he has now accepted we are done.I was speaking to my ex (the man I was with for 6 and a half years)on the phone and having a catch up.I’ll write a whole blog on that relationship and break-up soon.I was telling William all about the fight (he never liked the guy downstairs for obvious reasons!)and he said something that just click in my mind.William pointed out that it always came across as though my former lover in the apartment below thought “he owned me”.The former lover told me many times in recent months that my pussy and ass belongs to him 😠Another favourite of his lines to tell me was that he knows I’ll only want him even if I move on (sometimes I worry deep down he is right?!)I could never see this “ownership” of myself because I was so caught up the whirlwind romance of the first few months of our situationship but now the rose tinted glasses have come off and I realise I was just a possession to show off to him 😭😠💔He must be at his parents or one of his many women’s houses tonight as his car is not parked outside the apartment block.I just hope that he sorts the issue out that we argued about yesterday for himself because its dangerous to his health but I doubt it as he is in denial.If he doesnt its no longer my problem to deal with.I tried and I can do no more.The debauchery that has gone on recently has definitely shut the door on any reconcilation 😕

Everyone was talking about the death of Stephen Hawking today.I didn’t know much about him only what I saw when I watched ‘The Big Bang Theory’ tv show (one of mine and the musician’s favourite tv shows 😍).I do admire how despite being given two years to live and being confined to a wheelchair,Hawking never gave up.He achieved so much and inspired so many scientists.He is one of the people you can truly say left this world a better place than what he found it.May he rest in peace.

I hope my week continues to improve.I am absolutely exhausted (I have come to accept that this may just be my permanent state of being from now on)from the last few bad days.I’ll of course as always keep you updated on the drama in my life 😋

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

 

Too Little Too Late

Hey gals and guys 😁,

What a day?!My bad streak continues.I woke up at 7am for some reason 😪Instead of the usual checking my social media my first thought was to check if my former lover’s car was still outside 🤔.I used to do this during our situationship just to catch a glimpse of him in the mornings😍.He would even text me sometimes to let me know he was leaving so I could spy on him and vice a versa 😂When I realised what I had done I climbed back into bed and fell asleep until I was awoken at 11:31am by a phonecall from my doctor.It was test results I had been waiting for.

It was not good news 😭I won’t go into details but its all sorted now.My mind was also put at ease as my smear test for cervical cancer came back clear.Cancer runs in my family so I am always paranoid I will get it 😯Smear tests are so uncomfortable but I have never found them embrassing.I know some people do and I can understand why but I would rather a few moments of blushes than months of treatment or loosing my life.

My nightmare day really kicked in when I had an arguement with my former lover in the apartment below.We were messaging and I just lost it about an issue between us.His clear lack of respect and care for me could not have been more obvious😑.I can’t go into details of the conversation but lets just say he done something unforgivable.It was a conversation I wanted to have face to face but as I have previously stated he can’t accept responsibility for his actions so he refused to meet me.I eventually gave in and told him via message what the issue was.I love him with all my heart but I can’t have someone in my life that continuously walks all over me.

My former lover in the apartment below and I are finally finished.There is no going back after today 😔We can’t even be friends.I need to move on.I told him there will be no further communications between us ever again.I hope he at least obeys this request after all he has put me through.I doubt it but his efforts are too little too late.Of course if he was in serious trouble I would be there but boundaries would be set if that were to happen.When you have been in love with someone that never fully fades away,it changes.I am so excited to move on (hopefully with the musician 😉)and start preparing for going to Australia ✈

Speaking of the musician…I stuck to my word and didn’t reply to his snapchat.He is starting his gig in the Skeff in a half hour and I would love to be there but I do think its good he doesn’t see me for a few weeks so that I am not coming on to strong as per usual.I did tag the musician in a meme on facebook and I didn’t get a comment back 😳(publicly rejected 🤣).He has been unusually quiet on social media today but then again he was in college in Dublin and then travelling back for his gig tonight.Another good thing about not being there tonight is that I don’t have to see women flirting with him 🙂

I have the apartment to myself tonight as the flatmates are away and I am quite enjoying the peace.Its nice to have some alone time every now and again.I think I am going to watch some trashy tv,read some more of the Harry Potter illustrated book and go to sleep 😴Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day 😁

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

One of those Days

Hey gals and guys 😁,

How was your Monday?Stupid question really.Most people hate Mondays 😝Mine was quite shitty to be honest.From start to finish I just spent the whole day rolling my eyes and thinking fuck my life.

I started my day off by checking all my social media.I had a few snaps from Shane who had been out last night.He was very drunk and was sending me song lyrics 🤔The musician was also out as I seen from his snapchat story and instagram story (I don’t know if it was a “date” or not but he was out with a woman).Not exactly the best start to my day.I decided to announce my decision to leave Galway and head to Australia in July on my snapchat.It was the easiest way to let everyone know and quickly.I have a lot of people I want to meet up with before I go and trying to organise a time to suit everyone will take weeks 😆The musician viewed my snap but he never said one word.Its as if he doesnt give two fucks!Actually not as if…he clearly doesn’t 😢

I was absolutely exhausted still from Saturday night.These hangovers are taking longer than ever before to recover from.When I got to work and saw who was in for the day I nearly died.What a fucking snoozefest man?!I thought it would be grand as Chris(manager I get on best with in and out of work)was working so I could have the craic sitting at the tills with him but he was sat at the tills way over the other end 😫I was sat at till 5 all day on my own apart from when Adrian came to help clear the queue’s every so often.To top off a long day it was bloody freezing too.I stole Adrian’s fleece to wear over mine and I was still shaking with the cold 🤤I had an hour break so I got some food and again checked all my social media (and the musician’s).I got a text from the former lover saying he would love if I was sucking him off right now (what ever happened to the old classics such as “I can’t stop thinking of you”?)It actually just pissed me off so I didn’t reply until I calmed down and all I said was that I am working.

It was crazy busy today at work and the work load was doubled due to new staff members being in.They are only trainees so everything takes longer to get done especially when some of them are as thick as planks of wood 😖The deputy store manager asked if I would stay on an extra hour and I agreed.I had nothing else better to do in fairness and its some extra money which I badly need.After work I bought some shopping and headed off to the bus stop.Just as I arrived the bus pulled off and I had to wait 40 minutes for the next one 😐

To cheer myself up I bought takeaway (even though I am some what broke).While in the takeaway I snapchatted Aoife to see what was going on with her(she was in the gym 💪)and I snapped Lauren to see how her first day in the new job went but I still have yet to get a reply.When I arrived home to my apartment I realised I didn’t have my keycard.I knocked on the door so the flatmates would let me in.I got no reply so I messaged them and of course they are away back home to Limerick for a few days 😣I e-mailed the rental company maintenance explaining my predicament.They got back to me letting me know I will be charged €20 for them to come let me into my own apartment (cheek of it?As if I am not paying them enough in rent like?).I informed them that I had no money on me at this time(total lie)and that I would drop it into the office tomorrow (another lie).I ate my takeaway food while waiting for them to arrive to let me in.

After 20 minutes I was finally in my apartment.I got straight into my pj’s and now I am just chilling out in my warm bed.I hope the rest of this week doesnt follow the same pattern or I will have a break down.The musician is playing his usual gig in the Skeff bar tomorrow night and it will be the first one in nearly a month I haven’t been too😭…just as I am writing this about him he has sent me a snapchat for the first time in ages!I just viewed it and he looks so fucking hot 😍😘He is hungover after 4 days of birthday celebrations…I know the feeling and just want to cuddle him.I won’t be replying to him…I like to skip a few replys so I don’t appear too keen.I could have invited him over tomorrow after his gig as I have the apartment to myself but I got my time of the month yesterday 😡Anyway,I am going to do some laundry before going to sleep.

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

 

 

 

About Last Night

Hey gals and guys 😁,

Oh lordy!The fear is real!Why do I do it everytime?!I had such a great night out with Lauren and Aoife but alcohol influences bad decision making.

Lauren and Aoife came to my apartment for pre-drinks.We were due to go out to a bar called Seven at 8pm.We lost track of time due to banter and drinking 😂Lauren got a message from another one of our co-workers asking where we were so she called her boyfriend to come pick us up from my place and drive us to the bar 🍷.

When we arrived we went straight to the bathrooms to reapply make-up and take the usual obligatory bathroom selfie.Then it was onto the bar for a round of shots.I knew right there and then I was going to end up drunkenly snapchatting the musician 😯Not long after Katarina,Ruth and Pauline arrived.Katarins had been trying to guess who the guy was that I was crushing on so I showed her a picture of the musician on instagram.Thats when it happened.She said “You should message him” so I did.I asked if he was out and I can’t for the life of me remember what he replied.I decided to fill him in that I was leaving Galway in June to go travelling(I actually hadn’t planned on telling him until nearer the time).The musician replied but I can’t remember what he said.Something along the lines of “Awww Shauna.We will definitely have drinks before you leave….”.The message was longer but my drunken state means I have no clue what he said.What’s worse is I am not sure if I replied after that but I must have because when I checked my snapchat this morning it said he opened the snap 3 hours ago 😯I just hope I didn’t declare how much I loved him or something 😣

I also was drunkenly messaging one of my managers but its ok as he knows what I am like when I am drunk as he has been on manys a night out with us 😂I didnt say anything inappropriate to him thankfully.There was a few people I drunkenly messaged or called apparently and some of them did not get nice texts or calls 😣

After we left Seven we decided to go to a nightclub.At first they wouldn’t let us in because I was too drunk 😂The girls took me to the takeaway to get some food to sober me up a bit.A bag of chips later and we headed back up to the queue to try get into Electric again and this time we were successful (shockingly).Once in there we bought another round of drinks 🍸At one point I remember us sitting down chatting and I started to cry about how much I am going to miss working with Lauren and Aoife 😭.The emotional drunk stage was kicking in 😂Apparently I handed myself into ‘Lost and Found’ at the nightclub and a former co-worker came to my rescue.I have no memory of this whatsoever but a photo of it 😂When the nightclub finished Lauren called her boyfriend to come get us and bring us home.He dropped Aoife back to her house and as I live near them he didnt have far to bring me home 😊

I woke up this morning and as standard I checked all my social media trying to piece together the events of last night.I deleted any photos that were awful before anymore people than already had wouldn’t see them.I thought once Lauren’s boyfriend dropped me home that I had passed out in my bed but oh no…

As I am slowly coming around this morning I got a message from my former lover in the apartment below mine.I had called him 4 times last night at 3am 😑Luckily he was fast asleep so hadn’t heard his phone.Again I don’t remember this🤔We message for a bit and all he keeps asking for is sex but I have no interest in that happening ever again.

I am so hungover today and I have work at 7pm.I just want to lie in bed and have someone look after me.I really have to stop drunkenly snapchatting the musician.Its just desperate looking 😒Most of all I need to never takes shots again.

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

 

3:30am

Hey gals and guys 😁,

Hope you are all doing good 😄I certainly put in a long one last night 😫😡After writing a blog last night I was exhausted and was looking forward to getting a good night’s sleep.Before I fell asleep I could hear banging in my former lover’s apartment below mine but put it down to his brother having come home late from their parents house.The noise quietened down very quickly and I went out like a light 😴

Suddenly at 3:30am I heard my phone vibrating rapidly and hard on the wooden surface of my bedside locker.It was my former lover and he was extremely drunk🍻.When I seen it was his number I let it ring out because I just couldn’t deal with the drama.He proceeded to call me another four times before I finally answered.I knew he would just keep calling and if I didn’t answer he would come up here banging on my door to be let in.When I eventually answered he asked me to come down to him as he wanted to just put his arms around me (so cute😍) but I lied to him and said I was asleep as I had to work at 5am again.In reality I had reached the end of my tether with this toxic situationship 😕He continued to beg me to please come down inbetween bouts of hiccups 🤣I remained strong and persistently declined.

Then my former lover asked “What would you do if I asked you to be my girlfriend right now?”and I replied with “You made your choice when you had sex with those other four women”.Many times whilst he was drunk during our situationship my former lover would ask me this question.The first few times I was naively delighted but morning would come,he’d sober up and claim to forget everything that was said.This time for the second time and with more conviction than ever before I denied his request.I felt so empowered 🙆He stated that he knows deep down that I’ll never want anyone else 😂I was going to tell him about the musician but in his drunken state and knowing how verbally aggressive he can get I decided against this.

I tried getting off the phone with him by repeating that I needed to sleep to get up for work.He said he would let me sleep if I answer one question so I granted this request.He asked me what I wanted from him and I said “To cop the fuck on,stop having sex with every woman who looks at you and love me the way I love you but thats never going to happen”.There was silence for a few miutes and he asked me if I had sex with anyone else besides him recently which I replied to with honesty(the musician and I had a brief fling with a younger man)My former lover took this news very well but I took the high ground by informing him these sexual encounters only took place after I ended our situationship.

Then something happened that has NEVER happened before.My former lover had genuine emotion in his voice.I informed him that I wasn’t fully over him but I couldn’t go back to him.I relayed to him that even if he made drastic changes it is now to late as I am leaving Galway permanently in June.I thought he was going to start crying as he quietly said “It can’t be happening”.My heart broke a little and i wanted to comfort him but I knew if I gave in the cycle would never end and I would be right back to square one with him.Thats when I think he realised it was time to lay his heart on the line…

There was a time during the first 6 months of our on/off situationship that I could see myself marrying this guy and having children with him.I thought he felt the same even though he NEVER said it.His actions showed it to me before the debauchery kicked in and I seen all his true colours.I never told him how quickly I was falling for him until the situationship was beginning to crash down.To this day I have NEVER told him that I thought he was “The One” and I never will.I think I went into shock for a few minutes after I heard his next words…”It doesnt matter where you go you are a part of me.I know for sure we will get married one day.I care about you so much.I never want to see you hurt and I would hurt anyone who did anything to you.I just want you”.For nearly a year I yearned to hear him say something like that but I had to snap out of it.I was determined to show him that I am moving on.My sharp reply of saying “to be married to someone you have to love,respect them and not have sex with other women” made him give up and he said he would let me sleep.I hung up the phone somewhat proud at how strong I remained but also apart of me died inside for what could have been.I went back to sleep quickly.

I didn’t get to enjoy my slumber for very long.I was awoken by the noise of banging and his loud voice from down in his apartment.I checked my phone to see what the time was (now 4:39) and noticed I had a further 3 missed calls and a text from him stating “You are not kind for me”.Just as I was about to put my phone down and go back to sleep he starts calling again.I answer it(I can hear him stomping around and I am afraid he might come up here)He pleads with me to forget the past mistakes we made and for me to please come down to him.For what seems like the millionth time I deny his request so he decides he is coming up here.I raise my voice a little this time and tell him he cannot come up here as we will only argue which will anger my flatmates.He gets a bit angry now so hangs up the phone.I wait half an hour before going back to sleep to make sure that its safe.

At 5am I finally fall back asleep 😪😓I sleep soundly and better than I have for a while.I was so exhausted in every way!Then my sweet slumber is disrupted by my phone going off yet again.Its my former lover.I check the time and its just before 10:30am.We spend hours texting over and back.He is still drunk from the night before.This time he is being quite rude.He keeps telling me my pussy belongs to him (charming 😒) and that he knows I’ll only ever want his cock.This is what I call his ego stage and the stage I hate the must of his drunken binges.I get so angry that I text him back saying “My pussy doesn’t belong to you.I can’t wait to go to Australia so I don’t have to hear or see your sluts and I can finally get the fuck over you”.Then he came out with the most big headed thing I have heard in a long time “You can travel the world and you’ll never meet anyone like me”.Before I even had time to stop myself I quickly typed back “Thats the point.I don’t want to meet anyone else like you”.

This upset him greatly and he laid the blame firmly at my feet for why we never became serious.I told him I wasn’t ready as I had only gotten free from my 6 and a half year relationship.He promised to wait but as far he could see I was showing no signs of commitment anytime soon.He can never accept responsibility for his actions 😠I replied that was the case for the first four months but I did tell him continuously for the rest of our time together that I changed my mind and he was the only guy for me.I stood up for myself against him(for once)and told him on no uncertain terms that we are done.He seemed to accept it as he said “Fine let someone else have you because I know you’ll always want me”.I lost it like never before 😠I let him have it by texting back “When I am half way across the world you will realise how badly you fucked up in letting me go and now its to late” to which he quickly text back “I’m not the one leaving”.I don’t know how he does it but those words made me want to cry 😭.It was as if he was saying that I was giving up on us without even trying but I know that is not the case.I fought to be loved by him until it became unhealthy and I had to walk away for my own sanity😖.

The forth and back continued until I decided I was going to pay him a visit to let him know that we are done.I stormed down the stairs and knocked on his door after he sent me a photo of him arranging to meet up with one of his sluts.He looked happy to see me and it dawned on me that I played right into his trap.I shouted at him about being sick in the head and why he was always trying to hurt me.He sat on the bed and put his head down like a lost child and asked me to stop shouting as he is hungover.I calmed down and just wanted to comfort him as he hugged my leg like a little boy.He took my hands and pulled me closer.He hugged me and started to feel my ass.I knew I had to get out of here before my feelings of love rushed back.Then he pulled me down onto him for a proper cuddle.As I lay on top of him with my head on his chest and our arms wrapped around eachother I felt a sense of belonging.I couldn’t fight anymore.I just lay there in silence for a while enjoying his embrace before the urge to resist kicked in.I said to him “I hate you” jokingly and he replied seriously “If I were you I’d hate me too”.Then I got off him.As I turned to walk out the door, he pulled me back and we kissed passionately.

That was it I was in serious trouble😯.I couldn’t stop myself.I had missed his kisses so much but then the musician entered my mind.I immediately stopped kissing my former lover and told him that the kissing should never of happened.He refused to take his arms from around me and began to kiss my neck😘.He knows my weaknesses.Before I knew it our clothes were coming off and he bent me over his desk😉.It was some of the best sex we had(we had a really great and adventurous sex life to say the least 😍) but as we were really starting to get into it my mind started screaming at me that if there was any chance with the musician I had to get the fuck out of my former lovers apartment.I pushed him off me and pulled on my clothes.He was very confused and I said “This can never happen again,that he made his choice of sleeping with those sluts and that this was the last time he would be seeing me before I go to Australia”.I was full of regret as soon as I left my former lover’s apartment.

I went to work and tried to put it to the back of my mind.I spent the day on the tills serving customers and organising Lauren and Aoife’s leaving party via snapchat.We have arranged for pre-drinks at my apartment and then out to a bar called ‘Seven’ at 8pm tomorrow.In the meantime the only manager who we invited out messaged to say he couldnt make it as he is sick🤢.The guest list is getting smaller by the minute so I am not even sure if it’ll go ahead now.I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t because I was looking forward to a final wild night out with the original Lidl crew and the possibility of bumping into the musician (who I noticed might actually be out celebrating his birthday tonight instead if his snap stories are anything to go by)but if it does and it’s just us three and Ellen then we’ll still have mighty craic 😄

Just after mid-night tonight I decided to snapchat the musician to wish him a happy birthday.I didn’t use any love hearts as usual because I didn’t want to appear too keen due to his lack of messages recently.He didn’t open the message until an hour later and my heart started beating way too fast when he started to reply.He snapped back saying “Aww thank you so much Shauna 😍❤”.I thought it was best not to reply after that.He looked incredibly hot in his snapchat stories tonight 😍If we do go out tomorrow night I hope he is out too and we bump into each other.With liquid courage I might just walk up to him and kiss him 😙I’ll keep everyone posted as per usual.

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Positive vibes always

Shauna 😗

 

International Women’s Day

Hey gals and guys 😁,

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY 🥂Hope all you ladies out there had a good one.Mine was quite boring as I was working from 5am(😪😫)until 2pm.I am not a morning person and having not slept during the night (panic attacks 😣)I was in a foul mood.The guys cheered me up with their usual brand of banter.As much as I dislike my job,I do love the people I work with❤.Today I found out another one of my work besties quit 😭Aoife was like my grumpy twin soul sitting on the tills 😂I was so tired from work I came home and napped until 7pm.Naps are LIFE!!!

Last night was awful.I was alone in the apartment and my mind wouldn’t stop racing.I can never sleep the night before a 5am shift anyway for some reason but last night my mind went into overdrive.The guy I was seeing just after I got out of my 6 and a half year relationship lives in the apartment below mine (very convenient I know).He was partying last night in his apartment.Through out our situationship I came to realise he has a problem with drink.He isn’t an alcoholic but when he does drink he can become verbally abusive.He constantly rings me telling me how much he loves me,how he wants me to be his girlfriend and then he’ll get verbally aggressive if anyone else(guys mainly)talks to me if we are around other people etc but I know its all just because he likes to think I’ll come running back to him (like I used to).If I dont answer his texts or calls he’ll bang on my door until I let him in.I feel sorry for him and I still care about him.Believe it or not,it was him who made me believe in love again.”Kevin” complimented me everyday until my confidence and self esteem grew back.We went on adventures just the two of us to places around Galway.He showed me I deserve better and that included even better than him.He brought the smile back to my face when I needed it the most and supported me through my anxiety after Dad was released from hospital.”Kevin” seemed like the perfect man until months went by and the drink binges took over.I think the worst was when I found out he was having sex with other women 😡We had promised that even though neither of us were quite ready to be in a relationship we didn’t want to be with anyone else (though funny enough the musician would always come into my mind from time to time).Once that promise was broken and the illusion of perfection faded I was done.I don’t need perfection but trust is a must.

As I lay in bed I could hear someone at my front door and assumed it was him.I heard what I thought was someone sliding down against my door and thought he was probably to drunk to even knock the door.I was in no mood to be dealing with him after how my encounter with the musician had went on Tuesday.I waited a half hour and then went to the front door to listen for anyone outside it.I found a note and it was from the rental company letting me know they are putting my rent up by €76 😡As if I wasn’t worried enough.Not long after he text asking if I was around and of course he was looking for a booty call but I am in no way interested.I just wanted to try get some sleep.I went back to bed and all I could think about was where is the musician?why hasn’t he snapchatted like he said he would?Then I snapped out it and began panicking about the more important issue of how am I going to be able to afford to live in Galway as I am just about making enough to cover bills.After much agonising I decided my best option was to move back to Ballyshannon to my parents house,get my old waitressing job back and save to go travelling.I cried at the thought as back home there is no prospects at all.My social life would consist of staying in all the time as all my friends have either gone travelling or are starting their own families.

With that decision made my heart felt heavy at the thought of never seeing the musician again (but I have a feeling he wouldn’t care or would rather I was gone so he didn’t feel the need to be nice to his one night stand which is now clear to me that is all I was to him).Unlike all my other crushes though I had a moment of clarity and decided that I would ask him out for a drink before I leave.At least that way I would know 100% how he feels if he didn’t reply or if he said no then I could move on.If we are mean’t to be which I doubt it(from his point of view anyway) then it’ll work itself out eventually.Then the crazy side kicked in and I decided I couldn’t cope with the possibility of not seeing the musician so I made a plan in my head to come to Galway for a few days every month to catch up with friends and hopefully have some alone time with the musician 😉

This morning during my break at work I rang my parents to discuss my predicament with them.I informed them that I could continue living in Galway but I would not be able to travel as I would have no extra money to save.My parents understood but advised me to hold off because my step-grandfather had left me money when he died and it was more than enough to go to Australia ✈My parents know how much I love living in Galway but more importantly they have seen how being here,especially in the last year after my relationship broke down,made me independent.I used to be crippled with anxiety especially in social/group situations,I never went out,I had one friend and was extremely unhappy.Now I to go out to social events even if I am alone,I’ll do what is best for me,my friendship circle has increased and I am the happiest I have ever been.Of course suffering with depression and anxiety I still have my bad days but there is no more dark thoughts of ending it all because I know I can get through anything.

My transformation since my Dad’s accident astounds me.It took something so horrific to put everything in perspective for me.As my Dad lay in a coma I realised this was the time my mother and sister needed me to be the strong one.My mother always had to be the strong one.I never remember her showing any emotion apart from anger when I done something wrong growing up.She was never the giving hugs and telling you how much she loves you type when I was a child.I think this was partly due to how young she was and dealing with making ends meet as a single parent is VERY difficult.Don’t get me wrong I knew she loved me because she stood by me when I done some awful things(nothing illegal).My Dad’s accident changed my mother beyond recognition but like myself for the better.She is more fun,more open emotionally and is more relaxed.I am lucky to have my mother as a female role model because I learn from her mistakes.I think the most positive female influence in my life has to be my younger sister Grace.

Grace is 15 years younger than me.I never thought I would get a sibling and I felt like I was missing out.There is no bond like it.I would do anything for her👭.I was diagnosed with depression not long after she was born unbeknownst to my parents as I went to the doctor myself.I didn’t want to worry them and felt like they wouldn’t believe me.They only realised how serious it was during my Dad’s time in hospital.Over the years I was prescribed many different types of anti-depressants but I felt they never worked but truely I was just looking for a quick fix instead of dealing with my issues.During the times of my suicidal thoughts the only thing that kept me alive was Grace.I couldn’t bear to leave her grow up maybe wondering if it was anything to do with her.I want her to have the best life she can and I knew that was only possible if I stayed.Grace makes laugh like no one else can and she is my biggest protector.At 13 years old she is way more mature than I am now,she is ambitious,head-strong,confident and is full of love.Between my parents and I we got it right.She was my rock during Dad’s accident and recovery which I have always felt guilty about.It should have been the other way around and eventually it was.She kept my head above the water.I am so immensely proud of Grace.She is my saving Grace and thats why I got a tattoo tribute to her of the the words “By the GRACE of God” because I believe he sent her to our family at time when I needed to be saved from myself.

Another woman in my life that I could never imagine being without is my granny.When I was just beginning school my mother was sick for a number of years and spent months in hospital at a time.My granny was there doing the job of a mother and that is probably why we are so close.I think aswell I value her so much because she will always comfort me first,then tell me how it is and give advice.My granny had it hard losing my granda to cancer at a young age and she was left to raise 6 children on her own.At a time she should have crumbled she remained a constant source of love and strength to everyone.I admire her will to never give up and to enjoy life to the fullest because you never know when your time is up.I know I will be utterly devastated when she passes away and its becoming a greater possibility now she is sick.Instead of moping about it though I just want to make as many memories as I can with her and I cherish every moment I spend with her.Not many people get to their late 20’s and still have their grandparents around so I am extremely lucky.

With all these bad ass women in my life I feel bad for pining over the musician to be honest.Its his birthday on Saturday and I’ll be out for my work besties leaving party.I am hoping we cross paths but we never usually go to the same bars/clubs unless we specifically agree to meet.I know once I take a few shots I’ll end up in the women’s bathroom crying to Lauren and Aoife about how much I like and how it hurts he doesn’t feel the same.Then I’ll probably think its a good idea to snapchat him and it will all go downhill until I wake up full of regret the next morning.I am going to snapchst him to wish him a happy birthday to let him know I am thinking about him.He is out tonight around Galway as he has been putting snaps up on his story and he was out at a gig in Dublin last night.He has a great social life anyway haha.Social media is a blessing and a curse when it comes to crushes.I need to get a fucking life 😣I can’t wait for this crush to be done haha!

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Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

Love is like a Cup

Hey guys and gals 😁

I have returned from my night out rather sober but full of a range of emotions so what better way to work through them than to blog right?

I spent hours getting ready and I am in no way big headed but I have to say I looked hot 😉I was feeling myself for sure haha.I got a taxi to the Skeff and turns out he was playing tonight.He looked so hot too 😍As soon as I saw him I had the biggest grin&was literally blushing.I sat watching him perform and as much as I was enjoying the gig another emotion hit me…jealousy😠!There was a group of girls dancing and interacting with him which is great that people were enjoying his set but I could see that they were also interested in more than just his music 😠😔Its been a while since I have felt jealous!I always thought I was above that because I felt that whatever is meant to be will be.I think what made my stomach turn and my heart hurt was when he mentioned he was on Tinder…I was wondering if he would mention it tonight…clearly he isnt catching the same feelings I am💔.The group of girls cheered that he was on Tinder and I felt like getting all territorial which is so not like me.I wanted to walk on that stage and kiss him in front of everyone and be like “Back off”.I genuinely don’t like feeling this way and feel at a loss as to how to get over it as soon as possible.

While waiting for Shane to arrive I had a few drinks with two lads who were visiting Galway from Clare.They were a bit strange to be honest but I get hit on alot so I am used to it.I must just have a friendly demeanour which isnt a bad thing ☺They had some interesting advice for me but nothing I’ll be putting into action as it involves spending the next few months drunk and stoned!

After he finished his set I went to the bathrooms hoping he wouldnt notice me walking by.At this point I just wanted to go home and feel sorry for myself but then I thought why the fuck am I acting like this🤔.Nobody is worth the self-doubt so I walked to the bathrooms and the dancing girls were in there😑.They were talking about him and trying to find him on Tinder 😮I had to get out of there because again the jealousy was to much!I honestly felt like telling them join the queue girls because his heart belongs to a woman in Thailand who I am pretty sure he sang about in a song tonight 😣

In the meantime Shane had arrived and the musician went outside for a smoke so I decided just to be brave and go speak to him😮.I went outside,hugged him and we chatted awkwardly for a bit.I did mention his new little fangirls,I dont know if he detected my annoyance?!It was quite cold so I decided to go back inside the bar.I hugged him goodbye and he said he’d text me but I highly doubt it 😔😕I was half-expecting him to ask me to go for a drink sometime but nothing so I for sure was not going to put my heart on the line to be rejected 😭

When I went back inside to Shane I couldn’t stop looking around the bar for the musician to see if he was flirting with women😥.I get that he is naturally flirty because so am I and its part of the job to be charming.I was trying to seem interested in what Shane was saying but it was all white noise as the thoughts of the musician would not stop filling my mind.I seen him walk out of the bar with his gear and a woman who I think is just a friend as I have seen her a few times with him.As he left without even glancing my way I felt disheartened to say the least.I decided to just put him to the back of my mind,get drunk and enjoy the night out ☺I finished my cocktails and we headed onto another bar called “The Front Door”.Of course the obligatory bathroom selfie was taken.As I was trying to pose up a storm in the full length mirror of the Front Door bathrooms all I could hear was various women vomiting 🤢I got out of there before the smell hit me haha.When I sat down again I checked my snapchat to see who was out and seen a certain musician was still awake and viewing my snaps.All I could think was “Fuck you,clearly you used me and it fucking sucks”

After the Skeff and all these feelings I needed something stronger than cocktails so it was time for vodka and diet coke.I was very tempted to take a shot to just bring my mood up but decided against it 😂Its not worth the fear the next day for any man!At The Front Door we chatted,danced and I was reunited with Evan who I met at the house party of a mutual friend.Evan is always happy and loving life…watching him dance like a lunatic cheered me up ☺I decided to call it a night as soon as the Front Door closed.I know Shane was hoping to come home with me but its never going to happen.I am just not that type of woman.If I have feelings for someone then I dont see the point in having sex with someone else?!I know they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else but thats complete bullshit.If it were that easy there would be no such thing as heartbreak or lessons in love.The problem was Shane wasn’t taking no for an answer at first😐.He was quite pushy and when I gave some bullshit reason for him not coming back to mine he kept saying that wasnt good enough.He got a bit to hands on for my liking and kind of scared me a bit😓.He kept grabbing my hand,pulling me back to him by the arm and trying to kiss me.At one point he cornered me into a shop shutter and was being quite insistent I listen to him but I kept pushing forward just wanting to get a taxi home.I just kept repeating no until I got to the taxi rank and he finally gave up.In that moment I actually just wanted to snapchat the musician to come get me as he lives near by but thought I better not as he made it clear he was going to bed after the gig.

I got home and realised I had locked myself out so I had to message my flatmate to let me in.Luckily the flatmate was still awake as he was gaming on the PS4.I planned on going to bed but I heard him go into the living room so I went in to chat him.I explained about the musician to him and he tried his best to comfort me😌.The flatmate said that since he has known me he has never seen me this hung up on a guy and that its usually guys obsessing over me which I much prefer!!!I told him that I am not the type of person to talk about feelings and emotions but I feel so lost with this crush and I dont know what to do to fix myself or snap out of it😩.The flatmate told me I need to put my heart on the line for once and maybe it might work out but I know I wont be able to.I never have since my first love broke my heart.The flatmate also said he read somewhere that love is like a cup…right now my cup is half-full of love for myself but I need to fill it before I get a boyfriend and then the boyfriend will be there to take on the overflow of love which I think is kinda beautiful ❤We talked a bit about various aspects of our lives and I felt better for the first time tonight.He made me see that at the end of the day these feelings will be insignificant one day.Just hoping that day will be sooner rather than later.

On a brighter note I got a few more views on the blog…hello Argentina readers…hope you enjoy my ramblings 😂I cant thank people enough for taking the time out to read my blog.I appreciate all the support 😁I hope it makes you feel less alone and brings comfort somehow 😄

Positive vibes always,

Shauna 😗

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